:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

:: Tuesday, December 27, 2005 ::

A friend gave me this album for Christmas and unknowingly broke my heart:

Miracle

"You're my life's one Miracle,
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness,
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this till you.

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
With all the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more?

The nearest thing to heaven,
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love.

When you smile at me, I cry
And to save your life I'll die
With a romance that is pure heart,
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires,
I live for your desires
Forget my own, needs will come before
Who could ever love you more?

Well there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me stop, loving you
And every breath I take,
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams and know for sure
Who could ever love you more?"

What took ten minutes takes a lifetime.
In 50 years there will still be presents missing under the Christmas tree.

:: ashli 10:15 AM # ::
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I wanted to thank everyone again for contributing to the current crisis pregnancy situation. I also wanted to let you all know that the mother just recently read the series of posts on her situation and was very upset with some of the information I gave. She was also upset by some negative comments made on another blog. She is in an extremely fragile state right now.

Perhaps in May I will be able to say whether the situation "ended" well, but I will not be posting regular updates, as I had planned.

I hope you can forgive me, leave it in God's hands, and rest in the promise that your contributions are going to a very worthy cause.

Thank you so much for the tremendous, somewhat miraculous effort on behalf of your fellow man.

You are all precious gifts.

:: ashli 7:39 AM # ::
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THE NEED HAS BEEN MET!!!
(With just a tad over a hundred bucks to spare on medical bills no less!)

Thank you so much to all of those who stepped out in faith and in compassion and made a contribution to this mother and her daughter. You are truly blessings from above. I am touched and grateful to the point of tears.

Among the beautiful cards many of you sent, one came "with a prayer for room in the inn and in the heart." This simple prayer is actually quite phenomenal, and I pray it for all of you who made such room for someone else.

May God bless you richly and draw you near this Christmas.

















Please check back for updates on this situation. I intend to post a series of eventual progress reports and lots of cute baby photos (sonograms). Pray that there will be glorious photos of a sweet newborn in May, and know that you have been an important part of it.

:: ashli 12:57 PM # ::
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"It is easier to be enthusiastic about Humanity with a capital 'H' than it is to love individual men and women, especially those who are uninteresting, exasperating, depraved, or otherwise unattractive. Loving everybody in general may be an excuse for loving nobody in particular"

C.S. Lewis

:: ashli 7:50 PM # ::
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Fund-raising is an interesting thing. I have on occasion received criticism for what I am doing or even how I am going about it. This is from people who lack adequate information to make a particularly accurate judgement. That is not a dig but a mere fact.

"Concerns" about the mother have been raised, and I want to address them. Not as a lambast for anyone with a concern but as a simple explanation for anyone with such concerns or with an interest in human study and how something like this situation works:

This is a God issue. He will provide for this mother and child with or without a particular individual's help. I have given the information that I feel comfortable giving, information that honors the mother the best that I can while maintaining her privacy. I have not been attempting to "paint a picture" but only to put the need out there with as many details as I can tactfully provide. This is not a game, and I am not a professional fund-raiser.

I am the first to admit that I am not particularly adequate for this task, but God has given it to me anyway. Take it up with Him if I am sucking.

Everyone is well within their right to determine for themselves that they do not have enough information to contribute. They are well within their right also to make total assumptions, however inaccurate they may be, that cause them to reject the idea of giving to this cause. I have no opinion of them personally. I am only grateful for the help that I do receive in this "hostage" situation where a little girl's life is literally at stake.

Unquestionably, I would run myself into the ground to save a child's life and a mother's heart. I'm not ashamed of that.

There are a variety of individuals and a variety of responses. Some people won't give a dime to a woman who "got herself pregnant", because it was within her control not to engage in "risky" activity. Some will have mercy on the woman and give. Some will not have mercy on the woman but will give anyway for the sake of the child. Some will donate over a thousand dollars and refuse to let me give them even the remotest information on the situation because they know I am the one asking and they trust my nature completely. Some will give [a much-appreciated gift of] less than $10 contingent upon an epic biography on the mother. A biography, btw, which they will not receive.

I am not an idiot. I would not put myself out there like this for an invalid or unworthy cause.

This situation is what it is, God knows the details, and He will use who He chooses to meet the need... for the sake of the mother and child and for His glory.

Nothing is guaranteed. We could all spend ourselves financially and emotionally and this mother could still flip out and kill her child. Or they could both get hit by a bus on her way to the grocery store to use foodstamps for the first time ever. I can promise a worthy endeavor, a tremendous college try, but I can't promise a happy ending.

Sometimes you get what you pray (and pay) for and sometimes you don't. In the end, it's all about faith. Christians should be used to the idea by now.

:: ashli 2:43 PM # ::
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I tell you, I have gotten the best Christmas present I could get this year: watching you folks in action. You continue to blow my mind with your compassionate activism on behalf of a mother and daughter you have never even met. How lucky am I to watch God pouring you out like glittering snowflakes upon this situation at Christmas!

With permission, an anonymous letter I received this morning:

"Hello:

Just read your S.O.S. for the pregnant mother's mortgage. My 6 kids (4-14 yrs. old) just won a $* prize in a poster contest that they would like to send, and I will add another $*, so you have a total of $* to be sent to the church on Wednesday. It will take 3 days for the check to get to Florida.

Our family erects the pro-life booth at the fair, and my kids work the booth with me. We talk to many young women during "fair week", but we never know how many lives we've touched. This is the perfect way for us to know we are helping someone, so we are very happy to do this. We will keep the courageous mother and baby in our prayers."

Christmas really does not come in a package. It comes in the hearts of all of you as you actively honor the love, grace and mercy that our Creator has bestowed upon all of us in sending His greatest Gift so long ago.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

*I omitted the financial information so as to avoid any pressure or comparison. Every donation of any amount is a precious gift of life and is much appreciated.

:: ashli 2:04 PM # ::
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I want to thank the pledger who can't afford to send Christmas cards, or buy any presents for her own kid or even a Christmas tree this year. This precious soul is living on credit, savings and equity in hopes that business will pick up after the first of the year, and s/he is planning on tapping into her/his IRA if necessary, to keep her/his own house.

I am in awe of people like this. They humble me to the core. Please take a quick moment to pray for this individual.

(May God bless you richly, my dear friend.)

:: ashli 1:07 PM # ::
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I have decided only to update the online total with donations received because we had a little problem early on with people making pledges that they, for whatever reason, did not or could not honor. So as soon as the church receives a contribution, you will see it deducted from the total need posted online here at the SICLE Cell. (I normally hear from the secretary of the church, who checks the mail at the post office, approximately once a week.)

Any funds that we receive over the total mortgage need will go to pay the mother's other mounting bills, especially medical bills, as Medicaid has not yet kicked in (and they seem to be taking their sweet time on that). We have been tossing the idea of a midwife back and forth to try and figure out a way to get affordable medical care for this mother thus avoiding excessive hospital fees, but unfortunately, she has some health issues that may make that impossible. Her health (and the baby's health) is our main concern obviously and we are taking the utmost care not to jeopardize that in any way.

As I say, the mortgage payment is currently one of her biggest financial concerns but there are plenty more to contend with, so whatever we receive over the amount, if anything, will go to help the mom financially and will certainly not be misued.

This is a genuine, worthy endeavor and I am eternally grateful for those who are playing a tremendous, positive part.

:: ashli 12:59 PM # ::
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A question arose from someone interested in making a compassionate contribution to the current mother/daughter crisis. This person was interested in knowing more about the issue with the home. In case you are too, here is a semi-brief explanation:

Recurring pregnancy-related issues are interfering with the mother's ability to work. She is out of work now but is attempting to stabalize her condition so that she can find another job (which will probably pay minimum wage). Because of these issues she knew she would not be able to keep up the mortgage payment on her home, and she was going to abort her child so that she could go back to work to ensure that she would not lose her house.

I have been attempting to find donors to cover her mortgage payments for her entire pregnancy in order to assure her that pregnancy will not be a factor where her home is concerned. By providing this economic relief, the hope is that the mother will not feel forced to kill her child to avoid homelessness, a choice no woman should ever be faced with.

Mom (who is 19-weeks-pregnant as of today) is not renting but holds the title to the house, which she had just purchased and was moving into on the day that she found out she was pregnant... when she was neither expecting to be nor prepared to be.

I hope this serves as an explanation for those who felt they would have liked a little more information. Due to very delicate privacy concerns, I am not at liberty to say more, and I hope everyone will understand. If anyone would like to do as this blogger has done and contact the pastor of the church involved in handling the mother's mortgage payment, please feel free to verify the legitimacy of this very real and very worthy endeavor in such a way.

I really do appreciate the current interest generated here and here. As of today, the need is down to $1,249.

(My fondest gratitude to the most recent donor... who knows who s/he is.)

:: ashli 10:23 PM # ::
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Another donation received, bringing the total human response to 5 actual people!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Fab Five!

The mother is going through a lot of trauma and still needs $1,750 to render the mortgage payment issue a non-issue.

People, she chose life against all odds. Let us be the hands and feet. Let us back up all our talk with the utmost action. It is too much for just a handful to bear, but it is no problem at all if a ton of us responds.

Please send a contribution of any amount to:

New Philadelphia Presbyterian Church
P.O. Box 344
Quincy, Florida 32351

:: ashli 7:36 PM # ::
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Four and holding.

:: ashli 12:26 AM # ::
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Ok, things with the mother and daughter are still quite precarious.

I will tell you that with all the blog mentions
here
here
here
here
and here...

we got 4 donations so far.

So I'm posting it again. And I'm going to keep posting every day with financial updates until the need is met.

As of today, we need $1,950 to secure this woman's mortgage payment so that she is guaranteed not to lose her house through May when the baby is due. I know all the particulars and quite frankly, I can't post them here because you would know who the mother is and she does not want to be identified at this time. So you're just going to have to trust me. I know how that sounds, but there's just no way around it.

I feel like this particular situation may be suffering a case of the "bystander effect". As in the Kitty Genovse case, there may be a feeling of diminished responsibility because surely, with all the blog press, tons of people must be helping this mom and baby, right? Again, we only got four donations - four donations we are profoundly, eternally grateful for, but only four out of hundreds if not thousands of readers.

$1,950 is the magic number, people.

Please contribute any amount to:

New Philadelphia Presbyterian Church
P.O. Box 344
Quincy, Florida 32351

This church will send the payment directly to the mother's mortgage company. Please clearly mark your tax-deductible contribution "Crisis Pregnancy Ministry" in the memo field.

Please do not rely on anyone else to make a contribution. You may quite literally be the only one who will.

Be the antithesis of D. Nathan. Ask, care, give.

:: ashli 9:00 AM # ::
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Abortion via comedy: Laugh so hard your second trimester baby will simply shoot out avoiding those costly late term surgical procedures.

:: ashli 3:46 PM # ::
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Abortion and breast cancer

:: ashli 3:08 PM # ::
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Beautiful Girlhood: An alternative to American Girl?

:: ashli 7:44 PM # ::
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As a sincere thank you to those utterly appreciated few who are contributing to help a precious 15-weeks-pregnant woman and her child:

She's a girl!

(Donations are still needed. Please send me an email if you would like to contribute.)

:: ashli 10:31 PM # ::
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And yet Californians rejected proposition 73 today.

:: ashli 3:21 PM # ::
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As the eyebrow raises...

:: ashli 3:19 PM # ::
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High five!

(Scroll down and click on "Puddy".)

:: ashli 11:08 PM # ::
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The Bridge Builder

An old man going a lone highway
Came at the evening cold and gray,
To a chasm vast and wide and steep,
With waters rolling cold and deep
The old man crossed in the twilight dim,
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim near,
"You are wasting your strength with building here.
Your journey will end with the ending day,
You never again will pass the way.
You've crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you this bridge at eventide?"

The builder lifted his old gray head.
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way.
The chasm that was as nought to me
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be;
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim-
Good friend, I am building this bridge for him."
~Will A. Dromgoole

That's why.

:: ashli 8:12 PM # ::
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Watch it.

:: ashli 8:02 PM # ::
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Hey, this sends a great message!

:: ashli 7:22 AM # ::
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Remember LDI?

"A Planned Parenthood watchdog group says an article written by a top Planned Parenthood executive has the national abortion business admitting that it is engaging in 'social marketing' of abortion and sex.

Douglas Scott, president of Life Decisions International (LDI), points to an article titled 'Social Marketing for Sexual Health,' written by Michael McGee, vice president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America's (PPFA) education and social marketing group.
'We have 'sold' the public on the notion that individuals have the right to decide when and whether they want to have children,' McGee admits. 'Even before the term was coined, we were doing social marketing.'

'Changing the world to reflect our vision takes courage, intelligent use of resources, and enormous commitment,' McGee writes about Planned Parenthood's abortion promotion strategy.

'One exciting strategy we are beginning to use is social marketing for sexual health,' McGee says. McGee said PPFA's goals are 'audacious--as they have been throughout the history of Planned Parenthood.'

Responding to the article, Scott says Planned Parenthood's 'hierarchy admits that it sold abortion to the public just like Bill Gates sold computers.'

'What was once almost universally recognized as bad, Planned Parenthood has turned into a product and convinced people it is good,' Scott explained. 'And not only is the product good, it is essential. PPFA's success has made the group one of the wealthiest so-called nonprofits in the world.'

In his article, McGee also admits to using teenagers (called 'peer educators') to advance Planned Parenthood's pro-abortion agenda, saying they're more effective in convincing other teens than adults at the abortion business.

Peer educators 'are an ideal constituency to engage in our social marketing effort,' McGee declared. 'Activist teens can create a buzz about the campaign by a variety of means--regardless of whether the activities are branded or identified as Planned Parenthood.'
Scott urges pro-life advocates to get involved to counter this tactic.

'We can sit by and let the Planned Parenthood philosophy flood our society or we can help repair the damage already done. Not only should we choose to repair the damage, we need to strengthen society so it can resist Planned Parenthood,' Scott concludes."

:: ashli 4:36 PM # ::
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"Okay, it's pop quiz time."

:: ashli 4:30 PM # ::
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Speaking on behalf of her peers.

Gianna Jessen's story.

Yes, we are really doing this in America. Still.

:: ashli 2:30 PM # ::
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I would like to take a brief moment to thank the three compassionate friends who have thusfar responded to this blog's plea for the woman I personally know who is in a crisis pregnancy. One of these dear people made a pledge of $30/month (for the next 7 months), and she is a "starving" college student!

This stuff just moves me like nobody's business.

I am so honored to have the privilege of being read by you good people. I did nothing, nothing, nothing to deserve the pleasure of your acquaintance, and I am so grateful for you.

Love,
Ash

:: ashli 1:49 PM # ::
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Currently I know a woman in a crisis pregnancy. There is a definite financial aspect to the situation. She is an at-risk mom with prior abortion experience who wants to place her baby with a particular Christian family, but their humble funds are not enough to cover necessary expenses.

I will say more later, when I am at liberty to do so.

A couple of people have already pledged monthly donations for the next 7 months. (Thank you profusely.) Are any of you interested in preventing the trauma and tragedy of abortion for this woman and child? Are any interested in contributing financially to adoption? Two birds with one stone, baby. Be the Hands and Feet.

Please share this with any and all, and email me directly with responses/pledges. Finances do not go directly to the bmom but to the creditors (mortgage company, etc.).

:: ashli 7:00 PM # ::
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He's living in lala land but his kid is living in America.

"'I think they're sending the message that if you or any member of your family screws up, you can kiss your parental rights goodbye,' said American Civil Liberties Union lawyer Mary Catherine Roper..."

If raping and sodomizing children is "screwing up", then I think that's a pretty good message, ACLU.

And it's about frickin time.

:: ashli 1:20 PM # ::
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Yikes.

:: ashli 2:50 AM # ::
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Please pray like you've never prayed before for my precious friend and her equally precious little baby.

:: ashli 12:52 AM # ::
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I was looking for a new vacuum cleaner on eBay today when I stumbled across this auction. Notice the pad that the vacuum is sitting on. Flashback city. I can't tell you how it makes me feel. I can't look at it.

And don't think the fact that this is an auction for a vacuum is lost on me. Can I just die already? For Pete's sake.

I killed my child. I was sick, it was legal, but I didn't get away with it.

And I'll never get away from it.

Life in the Cell...

:: ashli 12:11 PM # ::
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"Who You'd Be Today" touches a nerve with "abortion-sensitized" women (my term for the personally hated "post abortive"). Click here to see the video.

(I recommend following the above link and clicking on the link there to hear the song before seeing the video. Feel the words and then see how they chose to represent them.)

HT: You know who you are! :-)

Keep sending your thoughts, videos, songs, poems, movies, T.V. shows, dreams, experiences, etc. my way. I'm sorta out of the loop these days and I need you guys to keep the momentum going while I'm "away".

:: ashli 10:01 AM # ::
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Want breast cancer? Choosing abortion is a great way to start the tumors rolling.

:: ashli 3:22 PM # ::
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One paper with a twist of media, please.

Ashli: Abortion is great if it doesn't kill a child. If it doesn't kill a child, abortion is a good, ethical problem solver.

Media headline:

"Ashli says abortion is great and claims "Abortion is a good, ethical problem solver."

:: ashli 1:12 PM # ::
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What do you do
When being born
And dying
Are the same thing?

HT: PLI

:: ashli 5:05 PM # ::
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To borrow heavily from Frederick Douglass:

"Must I argue the wrongfulness of abortion? Is that a question for any political party? Is it to be settled by the rules of logic and argumentation, as a matter beset with great difficulty, involving a doubtful application of the principle of justice, hard to be understood? How should I look to-day, in the presence of Amercans, dividing, and subdividing a discourse, to show that men have a natural right to life and freedom? Speaking of it relatively and positively, negatively and affirmatively. To do so, would be to make myself ridiculous, and to offer an insult to your understanding. There is not a man beneath the canopy of heaven that does not know that being injected or otherwise imbued with poison or having his head torn off or having his brain sucked out at the point of birth is wrong for him."

Red text is mine, and I can really relate to Douglass' frustration. For a decade I have been trying to explain to the "blob of tissue" crowd that biologically speaking (fact v. opinion), the gestating person is both human and alive.

The fact that a gestating human is human has been genetically established. And as to life, s/he consumes oxygen and metabolizes nutrients in order to grow. I don't know how to explain it in simpler terms, and trying to find them borders on ridiculous. I guess I'll have to leave the patois to the experts, as the following is something that even an abortion-supporting Harvard grad can understand:

:: ashli 8:42 AM # ::
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You can be an evangelical and you can be self-described pro-life," Gary Bauer, president of the American Values Coalition, said of Miers. "But it doesn't tell us what she will do about a decision like Roe that has been set in stone now for over 30 years. And that's the rub."

Roe is no more set in stone than the Dred Scott decision was set in stone. Bad law was meant to be changed.

If America (not Planned Parenthood, but actual America) ever decides that mutillating and killing women and children is uncool then the law should reflect that no matter how long civil rights have been legally trampled on.

(I wonder why abortion supporters weren't singing the same "set in stone" tune when laws protecting people from abortion were the general standard for over a hundred years in this country. Hmm...)

:: ashli 8:29 AM # ::
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More on American Girls...
(You go, Soccer Mom!)

:: ashli 11:39 AM # ::
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Eating black licorice, aborting black babies... who cares?

:: ashli 12:47 PM # ::
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I could only watch a fraction of this absolutely appalling picture of the unraveling of the culture of America's youth. Aside from parents who seem to have been duped out of their roles by the lies of modern liberalism, "parentless" children were jumping in and out of the sack like bunnies. It was painful to watch.

Too much freedom, too much unearned liberty can turn into a flipping fetter.

Of course the good folks at Discovery Health interviewed the "experts" at Planned Parenthood. When one young girl expressed her genuine committment to abstinence, her Planned Parenthood counselor was very skeptical stating, in an "oh, the poor, silly girl" tone, that it was probably not a very realistic notion. She seemed genuinely disappointed in the girl's intent to abstain from having childhood sex.

What is interesting is that the PP employee didn't seem to trust the teen's private choice to abstain, citing that the youngster was probably being "unrealistic". And yet, were that same teen to go to PP with a choice to abort, that would never, ever be questioned, because juveniles always know what is best for them, especially in a flipping crisis, riiiiiiight?

One thing I do know... PP doesn't really make a ton of money off of a kid who doesn't need birth control pills, doesn't have an STD to treat, and doesn't have a baby for them to abort. Where the almighty dollar is concerned, no bar-raising is allowed.

It's certainly not all PP's fault. They wouldn't do business at all if parents weren't providing them with "patients". We had better flipping straigten up and start raising our kids instead of giving them the "freedom" to raise themselves.

:: ashli 11:58 AM # ::
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Awww, isn't the American Girl product line so fabulous and good for our little girls!

Think again.

Take the pledge:
"If I can't control my sexual urges I CAN always abort any resulting child, because I am an American Girl!"

Woohoo! The red, white and blue!!!

(The red blood that flows...
The white innocence sullied...
The blues that lingers...)

What was that that I once said about post-Roe girls nursing at Roe's teat? I'm not making this stuff up. Take a gander at post #31.

Take a good look at me, people;
I am a flipping American girl.
If this is what it is,
you don't want to be one.

HT: JC

:: ashli 12:33 PM # ::
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"We demand..."
"We cannot allow..."
"We expect..."

Hello, this is America not flipping Burger King. Sometimes you just don't get it your way. (You might wanna make a note of that, R. B. Ginsburg.)

"We believe that everyone has the right to choose when or whether to have a child, and that every child should be wanted and loved."

Hey, great! This is something we have in common. I believe everyone has the right to choose when or whether to have a child. Rock on! But I'll tell you what I DON'T believe... I don't believe we have the right to kill children who are alive and growing. I don't believe we have the right to discriminate against people based on what they look like, how smart they are, how old they are, where they live or their abilities in general. Nope, I don't flipping believe in killing people based on those things.

Also, along with Planned Parenthood, I believe that every child should be wanted and loved. Isn't it great! Where we diverge is that I know that every child IS wanted and loved by someone. Every child. Yes, this includes the Down Syndrome babies, the Treacher Collins babies, the A.I.D.S. babies, the biracial babies, the minority babies, the limbless and deformed and retarded babies... and even the older children... (although abortion doesn't directly relate to the 8-year-old, since it's still, as of today anyway, illegal to kill an inconvenient, "unwanted", 8-year-old.)

Golly goodness, Planned Parenthood, you sound so nice and sane, but we're all in need of Paul Harvey's services where your philosophical soundbites are concerned.

Until you get a little honesty, I guess we juss gon' have to keep tellin' it for you!

HT: TRA

:: ashli 5:17 PM # ::
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A Cry Without A Voice

:: ashli 3:01 PM # ::
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From Patte:

"I have changed the names to protect the identity of everyone involved. You are free to share this story with everyone you know for the glory of God!

In early September, 2005 we met a worried mother through our new online pre-abortion counseling ministry. Celia's 14-year-old daughter was more than halfway through pregnancy and wanted an abortion. We were told that the state of California automatically emancipates a girl from her parents as soon as she conceives a child, so apparently, Celia's daughter Sarah could abort without ever even consulting her mom. So, the abortion was planned.

Sarah had an appointment at Planned Parenthood and because of the lateness of her pregnancy, she was referred to a hospital to kill the child. Several of our online counselors contacted Celia and offered help and support and adoption information.

Celia is a neo-natal nurse and she knew the humanity of her grandchild, whom they were told was a little girl. Sarah's father, however, was pushing for abortion, and Sarah herself didn't care about the baby and didn't want to be a mother. Things looked bleak. We prayed and continued to reach out to Celia.

The very last night before she was to have her abortion, Sarah was given a DREAM. She described her dream to her mother saying: "Mommy, an angel told me to give my baby to Tula."

Due to injury from an abortion 10 years previously, Tula (a long time friend of the family) & her husband had been unable to conceive. Sarah woke up on the day that she was to have her baby snuffed out in a late term abortion and called Tula! Thanks be to God for His great and marvelous gift of life and protection for all the players in this drama!"

A note from Celia:

"She is here! Sunday morning at 9:55 A.M. Sarah delivered a darling baby girl. The doctors tried to keep the baby inside as long as possible but when the water broke at 7:35 the doctor said he had to let her be born. He checked and Sarah was 6 centimeters dilated. She was so tired of being in the hospital that she did not say anything when her labor started the night before. I felt bad cause she could have had an epidural for the pain. Finally I heard her get sort of grunty and she began to push. I could see the baby's head crowning, and Sarah pushed maybe 20 minutes.

Tula and Don were in the room and were so excited. Sarah's father (my ex) walked in as she began to deliver. It caught him by suprise to say the least. I figured he'd turn around and walk out but he didn't. He just watched. A week earlier he had offered Sarah an abortion with that doctor in Kansas who does it right until birth.* The baby is doing well she weighed in at 3lb 4oz,. The ultrasound was so accurate, to the ounce.

Everyone in the room cried including myself. Here was this little life that almost was not allowed to be born.

Tula and Don love their new baby and can't wait to take her home. She will be in neo-natal intensive care for 3-6 weeks . This morning Sarah signed away her rights to the baby. I told Sarah she could change her mind but she said she was not wanting to be a mother. She didn't cry but I sure did especially when the social worker asked herif she realized she had just given up all rights to the baby permanently. She signed a waiver to make it final and said she understood.

I thought adoption was suppose to be so painful for the mom. It was for me, but Sarah seemed totally at peace with her choice. I'm amazed at my daughter's strength.

I'm taking my vacation time to be with my daughter but also because it botherd me to think of seeing the baby each day in ICU where I work.

Sarah told Tula she did not want a lot of contact with the baby for the first year but would like pictures of her first birthday. I could see Sarah distancing herself from the baby.

I went to leave the hospital tonight and glanced in the nursery window. Don and Tula were in rockers next to the baby. They can't seem to leave her. Tula ran up to me and hugged me and said "Thank you so much." I started to cry being the emotional being that I am. She said 'Celia, I thought God was punishing me when I developed infertility after my abortion 10 years ago but now I think He must really love me to give me such a beautiful gift as this'. Her and her husband adore their new daughter. Sarah is doing fine. She is anxious to come home tomorrow. She has no regrets.

Celia"

:: ashli 9:52 AM # ::
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Rapist's consent.

:: ashli 1:10 PM # ::
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Shut up.

:: ashli 1:08 PM # ::
...

This is just flipping ridiculous. Hello, the AMA supports abortion, so how could their collective opinion be biased against it? This one has already been tried and ruled on. Put it to bed and tuck it in already.

:: ashli 10:06 AM # ::
...

Here we go again.

(Be forewarned: I am NOT prepared to apologize for drawing analogies when the issue most certainly IS one of treating people, human beings, as property to do with as an "owner" sees fit.)

:: ashli 10:22 AM # ::
...

This class I'm taking now, not the biological science class afterall, is really blowing my mind and bringing things out that I did NOT want to address in such a forum. Considering the content of recent reads, what is one to do?

:: ashli 4:31 PM # ::
...

Ruther Bader Ginsburg tells Bush that the only female Supreme Court Justice pick who qualifies is one who would advance abortion. I wonder if she thinks it would be wrong of Bush to opine that the only female Supreme Court Justice pick who qualifies is a dissenter of Roe v. Wade. Don't look now, but it appears that these two disagree about abortion. So I guess the only thing left to weigh is that RBG is a Supreme Court Justice and Bush is the flipping President of the United States. Mebbe he'll decide that he can nominate whomever he chooses. Surely RBG can respect his choice!

:: ashli 12:33 PM # ::
...

Tragedy.

:: ashli 10:17 PM # ::
...

Jean Garton of Lutherans for Life once recalled how she spoke to a church women's group about abortion and appealed for their help in working against it. The group's president responded that "We don't get involved in anything controversial."

Then, Garton recalled:
"I sat down, and they went into the business meeting. And the main topic of business was the purchase of a new coffee pot. And you never heard such controversy in your life, between the drippers and the perkers. And I sat there thinking: "The women of God, arguing over a coffee pot!"

:: ashli 7:08 PM # ::
...

Totally, TOTALLY devastated.

:: ashli 8:05 PM # ::
...

"Hi. I'm Tucker. Lots of people have their 'beliefs' about abortion. Some don't believe that a child in the womb is a child at all. Some people do, but they believe there are more important things -such as not telling a woman what she can do with her body.

Please take a careful look at my body.

No matter what you 'believe' about abortion, the truth is, when I had been alive and growing for seven months, a woman made a choice that tore my legs off and most of my fingers too. Because of her choice to abort me, I will never be able to walk or run and play with the perfect, healthy legs I was created with, nor will I ever be able to type with the healthy, nimble fingers that used to be mine. That kind of sucks, doesn't it.

Also, no matter what you believe about adoption, these are my two white parents, and I am their (unnecessarily) disabled black son. Some people say that doesn't happen. Some people understand that it does, but they would still prefer a woman's choice over my life (and limbs). No matter what anyone 'believes', it looks like adoption solved my birthmom's problem and hey, mine too! So I kinda can't help feeling that it might have been better if I had been adopted, same as now, but without the dismemberment part. I think it would be nice if people looked less at their 'beliefs' about abortion and more at the bodies affected by it. Mine for example.

Please forgive the SICLE lady for not providing a big, red WARNING sign before showing my picture. Even though I am a graphic image of abortion, she thought that slapping my adorable little forehead with a warning label just wouldn't be right."

:: ashli 11:47 PM # ::
...

Apparently I'm not "gone" and I haven't "taken all my good stuff with me."

Once in a blue moon I'll post.
(But then, I said I would.)
:-P

:: ashli 11:46 PM # ::
...

For TRA.

;-)

(Hear/see it here.)

:: ashli 11:33 PM # ::
...

Pro-Life Blogger Shatters Retirement Record
Florida, August 20, 2005
Special to The New York Times
Raving Atheist Reporting

Returning just 40 hours and 48 minutes after announcing her "retirement" from blogging, pro-life blogger Ashli of The S.I.C.L.E. Cell has smashed the previous records for both brevity and pure pathos.

What's particularly funny is that her "retirement" lasted only half as long as the recent break between her August 19 and August 23 posts, said one blogging expert. "If a day and a half is a "retirement," she must be collecting at least 1,500 separate pensions."

Another expert noted how pitiable it was that Ashli's retirement post invoked the poignancy of "So Long, Farewell" from the Sound of Music, convincing tearful readers that she was truly gone. "And before you know it there's this chipper 'Hey guys, look at this!' like nothing happened," he said. "Pathetic."

Ashli admitted she felt foolish but refused to promise that she would not do it again and again. "I just can't stand the idea of my blog wasting away in cyberspace, untouched and unread." she said. "And why let that happen when I can just push a button and throw out a link?"

Psychiatric experts noted the possibility of addiction. "She walks by the computer and thinks 'one more post can't hurt,'" said one doctor. "But it never stops. Soon she'll be sitting down writing a post and thinking 'just one more thought,' eventually spewing forth a 15,000-word blogopotomus."

:: ashli 10:54 PM # ::
...

God in heaven.
(I couldn't leave this one alone.)

:: ashli 5:39 PM # ::
...

For now.

:: ashli 12:51 AM # ::
...

I meant what I said
and I said what I meant
and an Ashli is faithful
one hundred percent.

From an email I sent to a dear, rug-burned friend in July:

"1. When my son was born I found these birthstone angels for the Christmas tree. I bought one for each of my children: a ruby, a peridot and a topaz. One day I was sitting in the living room by myself when I heard a "plunk" by the Christmas tree. Something lay on the floor. I went over to pick it up and realized that it was the body of the ruby angel, the one I bought to represent the child I aborted. You know what a D&E is. The angel's head was still attached to the tree. The body detatched from the head. I just stood there looking at it. The other angels were perfect and whole, but Tenny's angel was decapitated. It threw me.

2. I bought a teacup that said "July", the month in which Tenny should have been born. The cup is displayed in the most sentimental room of our house. One day I went to dust it and, upon picking it up, the bottom of the fine bone china simply didn't come with the rest of the cup. It sat on the shelf as if glued while the rest of the cup came away in my hand. The bottom of this teacup literally fell out. There was no reason for this. It had not been dropped, nor glued, nor did it ever have a crack in it. It simply came away. It was no longer whole, but broken in two and ruined. It was and is a mystery.

3. I also had a stork pin that had a baby charm dangling in a silver diaper from the stork's beak. Someone had given it to me as a gift when I announced my initially ecstatic pregnancy. I buried the pin when I buried the bloody socks from the clinic along with the sonogram... all the symbolism that was supposed to help me, sayeth the self help books. It didn't. One night a month or two later I was on my hands and knees in the dark digging it all up with my bare hands. The socks were totally gone, but the sonogram film was still there along with the pin. This pin became precious to me even though I didn't deserve it. It was a little worse for wear from having been buried but it was still kosher enough. One day the baby just fell off and hit the ground. Of course, of course, of course."

The fun that is life after abortion.

:: ashli 9:21 PM # ::
...

"A person's a person
no matter how small."
He who wrote that
didn't buy it at all.

After Theodore Geisel
lost his life
his money of course
went to his wife.

"I want to do something
hubby would have thought good."
So she sent heaps and heaps
to Planned Parenthood.

:: ashli 10:28 AM # ::
...

I think this is ridiculous. If women have the freedom to choose to destroy a child for any reason, then they certainly should have the right to destroy a child because the child is gay (or a boy, or a girl, or white, or black, or genetically bent towards obesity, or merely "unwanted").

The only just way to stop the abortion of gay children, should the technology to identify such individuals ever exist, is to stop abortion period.

Otherwise the sole remaining option would be to convey special legal status on a homosexual individual, status that other, non-homosexual individuals don't enjoy, via reverse discrimination.

And that's uncool.

HT: Rug Burned

:: ashli 7:44 PM # ::
...

Woman is "aborted" after refusing abortion. (Where's the Laci Peterson coverage?)

:: ashli 8:53 AM # ::
...

Plan A: concern for women

Plan B: concern for women's money

:: ashli 8:49 AM # ::
...

TRA asks, "Would you like (tofu) fries with that?"

:: ashli 11:39 PM # ::
...

HaHAAAAAA! The Raving Atheist busts NARAL in the worst way!!!

:: ashli 2:06 AM # ::
...

"I was going to feel a little tugging in my lower belly."

:: ashli 11:07 PM # ::
...

This touched me deeply for obvious reasons.
HT: Aa

Surprisingly, I found that it also comforted me regarding the disposal of my first child's body. We had asked the abortion business if they would consent to turning our child's body over to our funeral director. Our request was rejected. With an uncomfortable wincing, the abortion facility worker told us, "I'm sorry, we really can't do that."

It bothers me. Ridiculous, isn't it. Of course, nothing about any of it doesn't bother me. Being killed in the womb is despicable. Being disposed of as waste is only a cherry on top of that Snot-Sundae. Even so. It has pained me.

Reading the story of Maximilian Kolbe, I find that I have stumbled upon a petit four of comfort. Kolbe, a diamond, was killed and disposed of as garbage. And I see, a little more clearly, that it doesn't matter; It could never touch the beauty of what he was.

The value, the loveliness of what and who my child was... these are at least two things abortion had no power over. The abortionist and I... we couldn't take these things away.

For a moment, a tender moment, I rock softly my little one in the safe place in my heart that never consented to any part of the SICLE.

:: ashli 1:38 AM # ::
...

The pears, my friends, are ripe and so it's canning time. It takes me just over four hours to put up five quarts, and that is a HUGE chunk of uninterrupted time for a stay-at-home mom/homeschooler/college student/wife/Christian scouting director, so I am just popping in to say hullo.

Hullo.

A few things before I dash away...

1. The other day I saw a car with a Choose Life tag and a John Kerry bumpersticker.

2. Yesterday I took my son to the dentist for the first time in his life. The office was packed. There weren't enough seats; people were standing up and sitting on the floor. I panicked. Heart racing, skin sweating, I flashed back to the equally packed lobby of the abortion facility where I commissioned the slaying of my second-trimester child. Presently, I sat in the oral office and waited with a straight, gapless smile as others were fooled into thinking nothing at all was the matter with me.

:: ashli 10:24 PM # ::
...

Look up "total deception" in the dictionary and you will find this cartoon. HT: Aa

The choice to do (horrible graphic link with video and sound) this to a child is equated with the right to choose what vegetables you will eat for dinner or what sports team you will root for.

Abortion opponents, of which I am one, are portrayed as squatty evil villians and living-dead corpses. But don't worry, the violence-opposing abortion advocates at Planned Parenthood take care of that by decapitating, exploding, and boiling those pesky "lifers". They also hurl verbal insults at "anti-choicers" and use the cuteness and innocence of a baby to sell abortion.

Ahhhh! It's got everything!

:: ashli 12:44 PM # ::
...

Follow the Money

HT: Patte Smith

:: ashli 12:31 PM # ::
...

Found the violence link here as well. Notice the lovely "pro-choice" cartoon depicting an abortion opponent being decapitated by, of all things, a rubber.

(If the rubbers that abortion supporters are using are old enough to be that stiff, then it is no wonder they are having issues with unplanned pregnancies.)

:: ashli 5:02 PM # ::
...

Just how dangerous is it to be an abortionist in the United States?

:: ashli 4:52 PM # ::
...

Abortion Violence

HT: Rebecca Porter

:: ashli 4:50 PM # ::
...

Thought you'd heard it all?

Think again.

:: ashli 1:40 PM # ::
...

Serrin of Feminists for Life will be on NPR today. A NOW member has been invited to call in.

You can listen live here.

:: ashli 1:37 PM # ::
...

On the subject of "posturing" this reminds me of this.

HT:Aa

:: ashli 10:52 AM # ::
...

I'm depressed lately.

I have an overly-lovey baby girl, and I couldn't be happier about that, because I myself am overly-lovey.

When I am doing dishes she comes and clings to my legs. When I am reading a book, she toddles over and parks her diapered rear right on my head, damned if I consume another word rather than love her. It is a rare moment that she allows herself an instant away. The other day I caught her having one.

One of my finer hobbies is dabbling in the art of stained glass. I can make lampshades and nightlights, candle screens, and figures, etc., but my favorite thing to make is the cliched window. <--scroll down there.

Before she died, my mother and I made a window together. It is set with lovely bevels, which, when the sun is setting in the west, cast vivid rainbows all across the living room. Colorful bands splash themselves in puddles on the floor. It was in one of these puddles that I secretly caught my one-year-old.

She was sitting with her legs stretched out as colored light played across her knees. Her face was filled with wonder as she fingered her newly technicolored flesh. She grabbed at the rainbows trying to hold them in her hands. She went here and there trying to pick them up off of the floor. Thrusting her tiny fists in the light, she observed at last rainbows situated in her palms. Of course she tried to eat them.

These moments are precious and real. They force her worth upon me; I see what I have without buffers. My heart fills to bursting. I love so much I ache. I am the luckiest girl in the world...

The moment I think it, I am shot down. I remember my illness, I remember my SICLE, I remember Tennessee and all the lost rainbows. My heart breaks and I can never pick up the pieces.

Life's multicolored bands of light are bittersweet. I can't know one truth and not the other. Would that I could. I would tuck it away in a shoebox and bury it in the wood at the edge of the yard never to be heard from again. Alas, love prevents that, and I've never mastered the art of un-loving. I simply don't know how.

And so it was last night that I, in the midst of myriad baby kisses from my satin-lipped, silly, loving punkin, began to feel the overwhelming ache for Tennessee and all that we had missed of love and life together. When my dove was safely resting I examined her little wrist bones and cried into my pillow. There were other wrist bones, precious and mine the same.

Moments like these I can't find God. The pain is a salt that smothers the passion of that flame. I am not big enough, so I call out to the One Who Is: "Find me!" And He does.

He wraps me in blankets of darkness, velvet like chocolate, vast as the sea... a place where I can hide. I fall away as the warm-heavy tingle begins in my legs and feet and slumber overtakes me. And there I am in a dream.

A child is playing with other children. He is the target of another child who is older, bigger. This big child has a wooden bat with a strategically placed nail. The small child makes up his mind to refrain from entering games from now on. He will read books instead, become a doctor or a scientist while everyone else gulps fresh air, rosy-cheeked and laughing.

"Naw, it's all in your head," I convince him. "Go out and play; work it out. It really can't be all that bad."

Cut to the next scene: a small boy post-play, sitting in a dim grey alley, legs crossed, staring out in a crisis-induced trance. Something is not right. Moisture sparkles at his collar where blood is pulsing from a nail-inflicted gash in his neck. He is all but drained. His mother finds him and wailing, cradles him in starving arms. He speaks calmy, saying things like, "It's alright Mother. I've just been out for a play. I'm leaving softly now. Don't cry. Goodbye, my dear." And then he is gone.

I run from the scene retiring to my grungy apartment, apparently in the heart of New York City in the 30's. I am looking for my son to hold in appreciation, to cling to for dear life. He is sitting in the windowseat as dead as a doornail, the underlying skin of his face tinged with the mottled blue-black blood of death. I am crushed with loss.

He looks at me and I at him. I ask him, "Do you want to go to heaven, love?"

He answers, "No, Mother. I want to stay."

"Well are you cold then?" I ask.

He replies, "No, I'm fine."

And so he is dead and alive in my life.

And I wake up yet somehow the dream hasn't ended.

I underestimated the detriment of abortion; I was that snowed, that unevolved, that loveless. My child, though aborted from my life, is not gone. S/he moves with me, walks with me, sleeps with me. I feel him/her in everything I do, because my children are my heart and my heart is not half-beating. The engines of fond regard are at full throttle. I am over-lovey. But then, I already said that.

:: ashli 9:35 AM # ::
...

"It is the family's hope that all who mourn for their son, Hunter, would join them in thanking the Lord for his precious life," the statement read.

Short-lived isn't short-loved.

:: ashli 4:40 PM # ::
...

Woman wakes after 20-year coma.

:: ashli 9:34 PM # ::
...

Celebrities who support abortion.

:: ashli 9:00 PM # ::
...

Boycott update.

Get out your checkbooks, people!
(So you can know when to put them away!)

:: ashli 8:47 PM # ::
...

Happy birthday!!!

WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

:: ashli 8:35 PM # ::
...

Woman's choice/right to have her baby denied.

:: ashli 12:04 AM # ::
...

"Lakoff proposes that abortion advocates go on the attack to reclaim the term 'life,' labeling pro-life groups 'anti-life'..."

LOL!

Isaiah 5:20

:: ashli 12:01 AM # ::
...

From "Sidewalk Counselor" Patte:

Sanctuary Ministries
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Hyde Park Center for Women
(owned by James Scott Pendergraft)
Tampa, Florida

Our Friend Wendy was quickly brought to tears over what we saw. Women and men going inside the abortion facility to kill their late term babies by having them delivered prematurely. There were also women arriving to have their smaller infants mangled and killed (sorry, but that's what abortion does).

"Brianna"...
When we called out to them, 14-year-old Brianna came right over with her mother "Pam". Both Brianna and her mom seemed in shock that they were even there at a place of death. They told us that Brianna was about 6 weeks pregnant. Wendy spoke to Brianna with such love and concern, saying "There is a way for this baby." I spoke to Brianna about adoption and assured her that we had a network of amazing people that actually cared about her, about her mother and her pre-born baby.

Brianna is shy. She stared down at the ground most of the time and didn’t speak much. I told Brianna: "It will take a strong woman to carry this baby full term," and added, "Brianna, something tells me that you are strong-willed." Brianna broke into a beautiful smile, revealing a mouth full of braces. Her mom Pam spoke up: “Oh yes, she is!”

I asked if they would be willing to give us their phone number to follow up with them and they said yes! Brianna and her mom left with information about a local crisis pregnancy center, and hopefully a changed mind and heart.

Update: August 3, 2005
A week went by and then two. I called Brianna and her mom a few times and left messages but they never returned my calls. This morning I finally got a call! It was Brianna's mom. I was delighted! Brianna is still pregnant and wants her baby. Pam is being strong for her daughter and her gestating grandbaby. She explained that they just found out that Brianna has gonorrhea and they can’t afford to have her treated.It will take a several weeks until Medicaid kicks in, and they are having financial difficulty. Pam asked: "Can you help us?" I responded with an enthusiastic "YES!!!"

I have arranged for Brianna to receive free medical care but Brianna and her mom may have some needs in the future. Would you be willing to send a tax deductible donation for our Sanctuary Tampa ministry? Even if it’s just $5, we can use it for Brianna or another local girl that we personally know and are helping.

Please send your tax deductible donation to:

Covenant Presbyterian Church
PO Box 309
Goldenrod, FL 32733
Attn: Sharon Leigh

Kindly make the check out to Sanctuary Ministries BUT make sure you mark in the memo section "for Tampa Ministry".

We'd like you to know that when one of the moms we reach has a need, we do not hand cash to anyone. We usually pay the need directly (for example: If they need an electric bill paid, we pay the bill directly to the electric company or the doctor is paid directly, etc).

Will you prayerfully consider supporting Sanctuary Ministries Tampa on a regular basis?"

Dude, if a hundred of us send five bucks, that's five hundred bucks. I'm sending a fiver. I know Patte personally, and the money will go where she says it will.

Will you join me in helping Brianna, her mom and her little one? What a courageous girl. She's 14, and she has decided to take responsibility for the child she helped to bring into being. That's hopeful.

:: ashli 11:32 PM # ::
...

Little Girl Torres is making it!!!

:: ashli 5:31 PM # ::
...

Nick's lame copout.

I was surprised when I heard someone say Nick was "pro-life". I didn't get that at all from the "apology" at the end of the song. It went something like this:

"I ain't makin' no judgements.
I ain't makin' no decisions."

I still like the song, and I still think it has already saved the world for a few people out there.

As an aside, I wish people would stop making this statement:

"No one knows what it's like to be open prey in your mother's womb unless you were born after 1973."

Oh really? Tell that to all the jar babies in Magda Denes' Necessity and Sorrow book. Hello, this notion just perpetuates the fallacy that if Roe v. Wade is ever reversed abortion will be illegal.

When it happens abortion will still be legal in the vast majority of states. The only thing Roe v. Wade did was mandate the legalization of abortion for the country. It took the right of local government away; individual states could no longer decide what they wanted for themselves. In short Roe v. Wade took away the right of the state to choose.

:: ashli 11:19 PM # ::
...

BUST!

:: ashli 1:20 AM # ::
...

This reminded me of Rowan.

You know... the kid had a chance. It was small, but it was his, and he had a right to it. A LEGAL right to it. After reading the article, it hit me for the first time: Rowan really, truly had an honest chance of surviving the abortion if only the abortion facility had called 911 like Rowan's mommy begged them to. Heck, he might have survived if the abortion facility would have simply let paramedics in after Angele called them herself. Evidently, staff doesn't really believe in the right to choose.

And anyway, can you see the looks on the faces of waiting "patients" as a little one is wheeled out of the back room with paramedics actively resuscitating him? I mean, this could possibly be something of a turnoff to a waiting mother or two.

For cryin' out loud, people, consider the scope of potential financial loss the abortion facility could have incurred. These people have to eat too lest they lack the energy to get up in the morning and help women be equal to men in the workplace. Even abortionists need cash to live, baby, and we're talkin' second trimester abortion day. These are the big mamas, cash cows. Why let a retro-fetus get in the way of a living when a killing can be made?

Plus, it just wouldn't be fair to all the women trying to exercise their right to choose. Women waiting to abort their late term children should not be victimized by the inconvenience of having to witness a mass of cells flailing around fighting for his life.

:: ashli 2:17 PM # ::
...

Abortion: Kind of a bummer.

:: ashli 11:06 PM # ::
...

Apparently sponsored by NARAL.

HT: RA

********
Tennessee, you're in my heart today on your due date...and every day. You would be 8. I miss you. Gianna won't speak to the mother who aborted her. Surely, you would feel the same about me. I love you anyway. I always will. There are no mulligans in abortion. "I'm sorry you missed your life," isn't enough. "I love you isn't enough." But I do. What can I say? I do! I know it means nothing now; that's abortion. What happened to you is not OK. May God hide you in the shadow of His wing away from the pain of what I did to you.

:: ashli 2:08 PM # ::
...

Here's a puzzler.

HT: TRA

P.S.
God is alive and well and loves TRA.
(And so do I.)

:: ashli 1:15 PM # ::
...

Discrimination?

:: ashli 1:49 PM # ::
...

Yikes.

HT: Aa

:: ashli 2:45 PM # ::
...

A very caring "pro-lifer" just sent me this hoping it would help me.

Once again we see the theme of forgiveness and then "healing".

Perhaps if my only link to my child were guilt I could be "forgiven and set free". But you see... there's that pesky little matter of love.

After all the guilt is gone, my child is still dead and the death was still sanguine. It grieves a mother. I'm terribly sorry if that doesn't sit well with the Hollowell crowd... the crowd that balks at the idea that the mother of an aborted child could feel love for that child.

It's love, love, love that keeps me up at night. The culpability lingers, but the love is bigger, the missing badder.

People who lost children in the 9/11 attacks have no guilt whatsoever to contend with, and yet they still grieve daily, still anguish over the circumstances of a "bad death" happening to someone so very dear to them. I have that, and the cherry of guilt on top. Why would it be easier for me then?

It is something of a challenge dealing ad nauseum with attitudes that can only see abortion in terms of guilt.

My husband and I looked forward to the day we would be holding our child in our arms in a hospital delivery room. Our child was real, came at the perfect time, was loved and wanted by us, etc. All the things that happy parents experience at discovering they are pregnant we experienced. We started that first pregnancy with awe and wonder and love, and I really DO NOT CARE if others dispute that because of the tragic, messed up way it ended. HG does things to a woman. And so does abortion. These things, at least for me, expiation can not heal.

:: ashli 9:41 PM # ::
...

You don't tug on Superman's cape.
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.
And you don't mess around with the Banannie!

HT: RealChoice

:: ashli 11:59 PM # ::
...

I'm ok, people. I have my moments. But that's life in the Cell.

(Thanks for all the eLove.)

:: ashli 11:50 PM # ::
...

Well heyyyy, it's five after midnight and whaddaya know! I'm having myself a li'l "Dear God in heaven, I killed my child!" freak out session.

I'm telling you, I read everything in the abortion facility's literature and this was just not in the brochure.

I needs must retire. My children (you know, the living ones) need a well rested mother tomorrow. Would one be willing to come over? Because I will be zonked.

Humor, humor.
Comic relief.
Talk me down, man.
TALK ME DOWN.

Breathing deeply.
Telling myself the moment will pass.

It's something of a panic attack, but not a real panic attack, the kind that don't make sense. I had those during my fourth pregnancy. They come from nowhere. They leave a residue of impending doom. Total flight response. Nothing to wrap your head around. This is different. There's a sort of panic, but not wrought by impending doom. Rather precipitated by retro doom. Someone else's demise and my blasted survival without him/her. Tomorrow looms... a sense of living another day without the would-be 8-year-old. My child.

My child.

Presently, if I flew into my darkened room, crawled into bed... I'd be asleep in less than ten minutes, and yet I persist. I am slightly afraid of dreaming tonight.

C'mon, Mother. This is nothing new.

There's a wee one at my church. She was born on my tummy mummy's exact due date. I look at her and think of my own. I look at her and die.

...a moment passes.
...a moment more.

Ah, the lifelong instant departs in the sense of immediate emotional urgency. I will let it go until the next one. As with contractions I will breathe in the interim.

God finds me here
looking at my hands,
longing for the love they decimated.

:: ashli 3:30 AM # ::
...

I think I'm in love.

:: ashli 11:43 PM # ::
...

I am so furious about this article that it brings me to tears. It reminds me of this. The answer is not to vilify women who have already taken ownership of their tragedy, so much so that they are willing to flay themselves for a public who might respond hatefully.

Hollowell repeatedly uses inflammatory language to drive the knife of blame in deeper. She does not understand the SICLE and her seeming "authority" is particularly vexing.

"Rowan's mother, Angele, thought she wanted an abortion."

If she knew Angele she would know that Angele did not "want" an abortion. I did not "want" an abortion. Who "wants" an abortion?

"Reportedly, the laminaria cannot be removed even if the woman changes her mind. She must return for the subsequent completion of the abortion."

Patently untrue. It is potentially dangerous to disseminate this kind of misinformation. Women change their minds. Laminaria can be removed, affording the mother a chance at a successful pregnancy outcome.

"Despite the calculated decision to end her son's life, he was born alive."

"Calculated decision" is neither compassionate nor completely accurate. There were a lot of "calculations" going on in the midst of Angele's crisis. Abortion was not the first choice. It was, in fact, the last thing on the list. "Calculated" evokes shades of coldbloodedness. For many women, perhaps even most, abortion is more complex than an unfeeling woman walking into a facility and asking to have her child butchered. I don't think that portraying a reported quarter of our fellow women as emotionally inferior is entirely accurate nor does it help anyone.

There is a lot people don't know about Angele and the lengths to which she went to try and have Rowan. But, OK, she ended up the stirrups anyway. What now?

Blaming her is futile. It is a stick that beats down a woman already groaning under the weight of her SICLE. It is unnecessary, gratuitous. It's a "God hates fags!" poster at Matthew Shepherd's funeral. Furthermore, the approach sends at least some hurting mothers running into the arms of abortion supporters who may not be telling the truth, but who will at least refrain from pummeling them when they're so desperately down. These groups offer a brand of sympathy and acceptance, and in the midst of despair some moms are willing to meet the terms of any form of comfort even if it costs them something personally.

"I for one am not prepared to extend an immediate healing hand to Angele; at least not until I hear her take ownership for her actions."

Only Christ can expiate Angele's SICLE. Angele is not required to give account to Dr. Hollowell.

"To my mind, Angele premeditated the murder of her son. She traveled to Florida from her home state to seek a clinic experienced in late-term abortions. She got educated on the process and chose the method of his execution ? stillbirth."

One may have a manifold of snappy titles, but if one has not love...
While Hollowell's statement is technically true, I am disappointed in her apparent lack of grace . While crisis rationale doesn't make abortion right, those of us with SICLEs can understand and identify with Angele's mental "back-and-forth" in a period of great and terrible desperation.

She was in a crisis. Abortion is legal. Everyone was telling her to abort. Professionals were telling her to do it. Perhaps it seemed she would almost be an idiot NOT to do it. A cruel idiot at that... inviting ages of torment into the lives of her children. Oh, what to do? What to do?

Perhaps she came to believe that she had a responsibility to abort. Perhaps sacrificing so much to keep Rowan was even somehow twisted into a sort of perceived selfishness. She was in a terrible, desperate situation that goes much, much deeper than Hollowell is willing to go. It's easier to point a finger than to sit down and listen, to try and figure out what would cause a woman to choose this. It takes time, effort, and genuine concern to attempt to figure out how to solve such a problem that similar problems might be circumvented in the lives of others... others, by the way, who aren't bothering to talk or reach out, precisely because of responses like Hollowell's.

"Inexplicably, digoxin was never administered. Without the fatal injection, Angele had to know he could be born alive."

Angele has not spent her life in the abortion industry and is not terribly familiar with second trimester abortion techniques. Plus, she was lost on auto-pilot inside the numbing void that enabled her to "solve" all her problems with the advised, advised, advised abortion.

Like most of us, Angele was rather naive about abortion, thinking that perhaps she had misunderstood the process and had been given the digoxin in the I.V. She was under the impression that the digoxin would simply target Rowan's heart and "put him to sleep". (George Tiller's staff tells women that digoxin turns their children into angels.) It never dawned on Angele that facility staff wouldn't do what they were supposed to do as "medical professionals". She trusted them implicitly.

Instead of taking myself to the nearest hospital, I stupidly sat in a hotel tub waiting to see if I would bleed to death or survive. Why? Because the friendly neighborhood abortionist told me to. I complied like a "good girl"; give me my Scooby snack.

"Still determined to end his life,"

More volatile language.

"At the sight of him alive after delivery, yes, she cradled him and told him she 'loved' him."

Ah, the word "loved" in quotes. Hollowell makes the point I blogged a little over a week ago. How on earth could a mom with a SICLE "love" her child? Well, she can't, of course. She doesn't deserve to. She can only feel guilt, saith too many participants of the "pro-life" movement.

Perhaps this is why the logic is: remove the woman's guilt (via the death of Christ) and voila! She is "healed". Or should be. Or better be. (Even though the same "pro-lifers" concomitantly remind those considering the SICLE that they will always be mothers even if their children are dead.)

Is it so hard to understand that we as a society have been convinced that killing is kindness? Does anyone really believe that Mike Schiavo thinks that "letting Terri go" was mean? In case anyone missed it, here in America, we are being taught to love one another to death.

Angele loved Rowan more than anyone else ever could. Angele made a bad choice in a crisis. A bad choice that she owns. A bad choice that she is trying to expose to anyone who will hear. A bad choice that she is trying to dissuade anyone else from making. A bad choice that America has legalized. Legalization sends a message. Smoking pot is illegal. Illegalization sends a message. Illicit drugs are bad. "Abortion is just a personal choice... one that is only personally bad to personal people who have personally silly beliefs."

Think of what we have been taught since Roe v. Wade. Think of the children who have been nursed at Roe's teat by our government, by liberal parents, by friends, physicians, etc. Blaming Angele is fruitless. Examining the problems and the ways to ameliorate them is not. Shift the focus; Learn to love.

"Yes, she called for help and no one came or answered. But her response reeks more of fear and guilt than love."

Love denied. Fear and guilt on the other hand, yes. Sure. A given. But love? Prohibited. Angele's response, we are told, reeks. More language. Hollowell's personal disgust is evident, punitive fruitlessness.

"Bottom line, if she really wanted him alive she could have – should have – gone directly to the hospital when she went into labor. (Angele has two other children, so she knows something about giving birth.) "

Hollowell also asserts, as did Angele's facility of choice, that the laminaria could not be removed, that Rowan's fate was already sealed, so the comment is not only contradictory but terribly unfair.

Angele, really wanted Rowan to survive. From the start. She didn't know how to accomplish it. The world was telling her she couldn't. She was in a crisis. She wasn't strong enough, spiritual enough, moral enough, name your frailty. She was human and duped. Milk-drunk from Roe's blood-tinged repast.

How many abortion supporters would think twice about supporting abortion if they came face-to-face with a child, aborted in the second trimester, drowning in the toilet of an abortion facility? One? Two? More? Roe works because no one sees (and no one wants to). A dying baby in a toilet is a crash course in truth. So many of us need it. Angele is only different because she actually got it.

"But Angele cannot hide behind their inaction, callous hearts and criminal acts. She is responsible for her choice and no amount of finger pointing will change that."

(Would that Hollowell had refrained from finger pointing.)

Angele is not hiding. She voluntarily opened herself up to the type of negative scrutiny evidenced in Hollowell's composition. If there were a rooftop Angele would be shouting on it. The media doesn't want to hear it; they're not piping it into your living room, and "pro-lifers" are sitting on the story for whatever reason. Perhaps this one's too controversial for seat-warmer Sunday. Perhaps it's too lacking in the feel-good factor. Maybe it doesn't have a good beat that you can dance to. So where does Angele go but deeper and deeper inside of herself?

"As for Rowan, my heart does ache. He suffered brutally and died at the hand of his own mother."

It takes a village to abort a child, but granted, Mom is kind of a key player. This is the SICLE. We live it without anyone having to point it out.

While it can be said that Hollowell will never feel for Rowan what Angele feels for Rowan, a contest should not be made of love. If we love, we work together for the good of all. This tragic circumstance should be pause for serious reflection, a massive session of brainstorming so that solutions might be found, that another might be helped, that it never happens again.

"But Rowan joins the ranks of thousands of children who die each day by abortion"

And his mother joins the ranks of millions of mothers who are hated by people who lack compassion, love and grace.

:: ashli 1:57 PM # ::
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I notice NARAL took their Screw Abstinence page down.

:: ashli 10:24 AM # ::
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NARAL screws up again.

HT:Aa

:: ashli 5:45 PM # ::
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Dennis the menace visited Florida and borrowed my computer for about a day and a half. It was really weird not to be online every spare moment.

I almost... started... living again. (Shudder.)

Anyway, in the spirit of destructive winds, I feel a total tirade coming on regarding an article I read on Rowan and his mom. A ROARING RANT! Yeah, that's a threat. And if it seems Hollow well...

Look for it in a day or so.

:: ashli 2:38 AM # ::
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A dear friend sent me this.
(More here. Click on "Moviemails" and then "Vitae Caring Foundation".)

:: ashli 1:50 AM # ::
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"[Partial birth abortion] was cheaper for the insurance company and it guaranteed a dead baby – not one who would require surgery and expensive medical care."

HT: Aa and RC

:: ashli 1:17 AM # ::
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With permission, excerpts from a recently received email:

"It's 6 AM and I have been up for the last three hours doing nothing but reading your blog (browsing way back into the archives too). Yes it is on of those nights..........I am sure you know well what I mean."

"I always end up frustrated and angry and want to grab people by the shoulders and shake them and just scream out of sheer frustration when I get into debates with people over abortion. Especially with people who have never had an abortion and who "NEVER would myself, but I would never tell others what to do with their own body." Oh I want to shake some sense into them."

"Sometimes I immerse myself in anything and everything abortion and child loss related and other times I run as fast as I can to try to hide from it and usually find that through excessive drinking to feel numb but it always comes back........always. And tonight it's back with a vengeance. But such is life and how my life will be.......by my 'own choice'."

"I am hopeful President Bush will nominate a judge who will be able to see how many lives are completely destroyed through this 'freedom' we have been granted. I do wonder what the founding fathers would think if they saw how their words had been distorted and manipulated to include that women have the right to kill unborn children."

"I just want to shake people and scream at them and sometimes I want to show the whole world my box of things I have kept as connections to my child and show them my diaries and letters I have written and basically just show them my pain to try to make them understand......and I know it's not about me.....abortion needs to stop because a baby dies, period. But I get so very angry with so called feminists who have never had their feet in stirrups and fight wholeheartedly for this 'right' of ours to kill our child thinking it is such a wonderful freedom that we have.

What freedom is it to feel no other hope? Makes no sense at all. Women deserve so much better."

:: ashli 2:42 PM # ::
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The New York based Center for Reproductive Rights (CRR) will "live to fight another day", and perhaps, because of the CRR's recent legal loss, so will several tiny Floridians.

There's a saying here in Florida that the more south you go the more north you get. We have a large influx of New Yorkers. Some of them have run for office and won, so now we have New Yawkuhs representing "Bible belt" southerners, which is beyond me, but there you have it.

New York was "country when country was uncool". That is to say they were aborting children pre-1973, when it was not federally mandated for the country, i.e., when states that didn't want it weren't forced to have it anyway. The late abortion supporter Magda Denes' book, "In Necessity and Sorrow", chronicals these early and late term convenience abortions in a strikingly honest manner. If you can get a hold of a copy you must read it.

I think it's interesting that in long ago years the "South" was intent on disenfranchising a whole subset of people while the "North" was determined to save them. I marvel at the somewhat reversed roles.

Long ago the North was right, but now they are so very wrong and they are ever spreading their "compassionate" malevolence like a cancer to other parts of the country.

For years in Florida a child couldn't get her ears pierced without Mom and Dad's permission, but an abortionist could crack open her uterus and dig out her second (or even third) trimester baby while Mom and Dad were none the wiser. Florida parents voted to stop this insanity.

A message for the CRR from Florida parents of Florida children:

THIS IS NOT NEW YORK.
(Yet.)

:: ashli 12:25 PM # ::
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Another response about the issue of comparing grief perspectives:

"Isn't it ironic that women like you are held up as an excuse for keeping abortion readily available -- everybody wants abortion to be there just in case some ailing woman "needs" it. But then when the ailing woman, in her darkest moment, succumbs to what she's been taught -- that this is there for her to help her -- she's treated like a pariah.

Ashli, you have every right to feel the same pain as baby Henry's mom. Your baby was taken from you by a horrible illness, to the point where you were HALLUCINATING!"

The people around you, who were supposed to show you another way, who were supposed to be the voice of reason and intellect while you were out of your mind, failed you. You know darned well that people's decision-making skills go to Hell in a handbasket when they're stressed. That's how abortionists stay in business in the first place! They capitalize on that! And you were way beyond stress into the realm of trauma. Serious debilitating trauma. Your body was
self-destructing all around you. Something primitive kicked in and you didn't know how to fight it. You'd been taught that it was WRONG to fight it, FUTILE to fight it.

Here in Korea, we get AFN, the American Forces Network, and they do a lot of features about how POWs endured torture and deprivation. It was because they'd been given the tools they needed! The Code of Conduct gave them something to cling to, gave them structure, gave meaning to their suffering. That was how they were able to endure. Because they knew they COULD endure. They'd been told that it could be done, and they were told how. They had a full toolbox.

But where was your toolbox? What were you supplied with before the HG to give you the tools you needed to get through it with your baby and your psyche intact? You were never given the tools in the first place. You were surrounded by the message that sick women need abortion, that it's heartless to come between an ailing woman and her abortion, that abortion is necessary for women's health and well being.

Just living in the US is enough to brainwash you into believing at some level that it must really BE necessary and okay. You were given rubber crutches and expected to walk on them. You were given a Fisher-Price tool kit and told to repair the Space Shuttle so it wouldn't burn up on reentry. Pick your metaphor. You were in way over your head, and that was not your fault. You had no way of forseeing it.

Now, you make it your business to hand other women toolboxes and fill those toolboxes with everything they'll need to get through. And that, my dear, is where your character shows through.

My mom beats the shit out of herself for not giving my brother an orange when he asked for it, because it was only fifteen minutes to suppertime. She told him to go play. He played with a rope in a tree and accidentally got strangled. She does the woulda coulda shoulda with herself. I did the woulda coulda shoulda with myself because I was in the yard with him when it happened. I woulda shoulda coulda gone in and told a grownup what was happening. But, human frailty being what it is, as a 2 1/2 year old child I didn't have the tools to recognize the peril and know what steps to take. Human frailty, Ashli. Mom woulda shoulda coulda given my brother the orange and he'd have been in the kitchen spoiling his supper instead of outside in the yard dying. I woulda shoulda coulda gone for a grown-up. And to me, expecting yourself to have been rational enough to have avoided the abortion table, given your circumstances, is about as reasonable as asking the two-year-old me to have recognized that Brother was in danger and run for Mom.

Oh, such a simple thing in retrospect! But damned near impossible when the thing is going down. There's a high cost of human frailty sometimes. I failed my brother. He's dead. I was an ordinary human two-year-old when he needed somebody who had more knowledge and experience than I had. Just like you were an ordinary Mom, and your baby needed somebody with way more knowledge and experience than you had. We fell short, we were just ordinary human beings with ordinary life experiences up to that point, and the death of a loved one was the result.

It hurts me to see you hold yourself to an inhuman standard. Later, when you had the tools, the knowledge and experience, you saw another baby through to birth. If you'd have had the tools, you'd have seen the first baby through, too. But you'd only learned what you needed to know to get though that pregnancy from having had the horrible, soul-crushing, devastating experience of the first pregnancy. It was no shortcoming in Ashli, other than Ashli being human. And sometimes being human sucks. You'll get no argument about that from me and my mom."

My response:

"Thanks so much for this. 99% of me accepts it. But there's still that damnable 1% that can't entirely swallow it, 1% that feels more culpable than that, and that 1% is somehow gargantuan.

Even so... your words bring me comfort. You make me feel like a better person than I actually am, and I am ever grateful. Ever, ever grateful."

:: ashli 1:40 PM # ::
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One response I've gotten from this post is a question as to why I believe that others might be offended at my comparison.

The reason I know that some will be offended is because I once belonged to a group of women who were grieving child loss before birth, and they resented the "h-e-double hockey sticks" out of me. I didn't find this out until someone finally just got sick of the fact that I killed my child, sick enough to just blurt it out... to the basic applause of myriad other members who had been secretly hating and resenting my presence for weeks.

Barbs flew including explanations of why I didn't belong and why I had no right to grieve or claim real love for a child I killed. I was reminded that they would have done "anything" to have their children while I, on the other hand, went out of my way to kill mine.

Etc.

So this is why I offered up an apology. I have lost a child through no fault of my own (baby #2), and while it was fluffly pink bunny cake compared to the SICLE, I can understand that grieving moms without SICLEs have a unique grief perspective. I imagine that it would be very hard for them to understand any reason for a SICLE much less the love and loss a mom with a SICLE might feel.

I simply want to be sensitive to every type of grieving mom. And in particular, I didn't want Henry's mom to ever stumble upon the post and feel affronted.

It's kind of a common phenomenon when many mothers who miscarry are horrified and furious to find the medical term "abortion" on their medical records. To have their experience even remotely compared to induced abortion is much more than they are willing to tolerate. But the SICLE is a poverty after all.

I don't want to add to anyone's pain.

:: ashli 2:34 PM # ::
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(Warning: Link features picture of premature infant struggling for life.)

I know that, due to culpability issues, I'm not allowed to say this, that it is offensive to some and in extremely poor taste to others... but...

My husband and I can relate to many, many aspects of this married couple's grief and loss experience:

"...no band-aid is big enough to heal me."

I apologize to all who are affronted by the audacity of such a comparison.

:: ashli 12:10 AM # ::
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