:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Tuesday, July 19, 2005 ::

Well heyyyy, it's five after midnight and whaddaya know! I'm having myself a li'l "Dear God in heaven, I killed my child!" freak out session.

I'm telling you, I read everything in the abortion facility's literature and this was just not in the brochure.

I needs must retire. My children (you know, the living ones) need a well rested mother tomorrow. Would one be willing to come over? Because I will be zonked.

Humor, humor.
Comic relief.
Talk me down, man.

Breathing deeply.
Telling myself the moment will pass.

It's something of a panic attack, but not a real panic attack, the kind that don't make sense. I had those during my fourth pregnancy. They come from nowhere. They leave a residue of impending doom. Total flight response. Nothing to wrap your head around. This is different. There's a sort of panic, but not wrought by impending doom. Rather precipitated by retro doom. Someone else's demise and my blasted survival without him/her. Tomorrow looms... a sense of living another day without the would-be 8-year-old. My child.

My child.

Presently, if I flew into my darkened room, crawled into bed... I'd be asleep in less than ten minutes, and yet I persist. I am slightly afraid of dreaming tonight.

C'mon, Mother. This is nothing new.

There's a wee one at my church. She was born on my tummy mummy's exact due date. I look at her and think of my own. I look at her and die.

...a moment passes.
...a moment more.

Ah, the lifelong instant departs in the sense of immediate emotional urgency. I will let it go until the next one. As with contractions I will breathe in the interim.

God finds me here
looking at my hands,
longing for the love they decimated.

:: ashli 3:30 AM # ::

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