:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

:: Saturday, July 11, 2009 ::

Sorry for my long absence. In May I was diagnosed with a pancreatic tumor that turned out to be cancer. The average survival rate for pancreatic cancer, from diagnosis to the big dirt nap, is three and a half months. It's wicked deadly. So I thought I was out of here. However, after removing most of my pancreas (and my spleen) the tumor was found to be of the NET variety (neuroendocrine tumor), and my particular NET cancer appears to be of low aggression. You may remember the headlines last month re: Steve Jobs and his pancreatic NET-related liver transplant. Yeah, I think my life has been shortened.

Here's how it all came about:

I was visiting a dear friend who happens to be a doctor. I quipped that I grew a better mustache than he. He sent me for labs. I almost didn't go, but I thought it might be interesting to see if anything showed up that might relate to all my horrible HG pregnancies. Everything was normal except an elevated DHEAS level, a marker for adrenal tumors. But the number wasn't terribly high. Normally it's in the 700s for tumors. Mine was in the low 400s. Just to be on the safe side my friend ordered a CT scan. CT scans are no joke, so I didn't want to do it. In fact, the day before the scan I called him and said I wasn't going to do it. Didn't he know my family tree is worm-eaten with cancer? I argued with him for a good half hour, and then finally complied; that's my schtick.

Got the CT, and 4 days after my birthday, on my daughter's birthday, I got the news: adrenals clear, but there is a "small thing" on the pancreas. Then came the inconclusive biopsy. Btw, if you ever find that you have a tumor that will need to be removed surgically no matter what, don't let anyone biopsy it beforehand, because the biopsy can cause malignant seeding, which I am now at risk for, having had a totally unnecessary fine needle biopsy. I didn't know that malignant seeding was a risk, and when I asked, I was literally laughed at by the gastroenterologist who performed the EUS/FNA. Come to find out, there IS a risk, and my surgical oncologist acknowledged it. At any rate, next came the serious surgery, 10-day hospital stay and grueling recovery, which I am still not out of. Next on the menu is the rest of my life, however short or long it is.

And now you may find interesting the phone conversation I had with my endocrinologist who called to inform me that she received a certified letter from the lab where I had my initial blood test. The letter included a list of names of those affected by a faulty lab assay that mistakenly elevated normal levels of DHEAS. My name was on the list, along with the assurance that they had corrected their assay. Obviously, if they had not made the mistake, I would not have had the CT, and the NET would have grown, metastasized to my liver, and that would have been my modus of exit (i.e., I would have died).

Most of my pancreas is gone and also my spleen. It causes problems. I wish I could go to the pancreas/spleen store and get new parts. Or I wish new, cancer-free organs would regenerate. But they don't. No one can make a pancreas or a spleen. It would be a miracle. And yet, there are over 3,000 young Americans today with little spleens and pancreases that are being perfectly, Masterfully formed. These are healthy organs built to sustain long lives. No man can match their handiwork or even come close. And yet all these miraculously made organs, inside these tiny, miraculously made people will be destroyed and thrown in the trash in abortions performed this very day. IT IS SUCH A WASTE.

I knew before that life was precious. Cancer just brings it home. When you get your tumor, you'll see what I mean. And if you're an abortion supporter, maybe you'll reconsider. But hey, why wait? Love life now. (And not just your own.)

Well, that does it for the Cell, kiddies. My clock is ticking audibly now, so I'm investing my remaining time in my children. The years have been long. Thanks for reading me.

:: ashli 10:21 AM # ::
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This reads like a sad, sad comedy. It's sad that George Tiller did not truly know Jesus and sadder still that apparently neither does anyone else at his church. If his church had truly represented Christ, they would have warned him against his occupation and the fate that awaits murderers who are not sorry and choose not to reform. If every church had responded to George Tiller in that manner, perhaps it would have inspired something within him. Whether it would have caused him to reform or to abandon the church...at least he wouldn't have been living under false assumptions. His church allowed him to think that he could murder children and yet have a living relationship with Christ. That is so dangerous.

If you love your brother, you warn him, even when it hurts. You show him the chapter and verse which reveals his offense so that he knows it is not coming from you. You let him vent and walk away if he must, but you risk the friendship (and the donation, hello) for love. You risk it for the good of your brother.

I can't think of anything more heartbreaking than a church that does not know Jesus.

I wish Tiller had lived long enough to be given a chance to find Christ, repent and sin no more. As long as there is life, there's a chance. But what is done is done, and I can at least be grateful that no more children will die at his hands.

:: ashli 9:55 PM # ::
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AP reports Roe no more. Many people still do not realize that even Norma McCorvey herself is anti-abortion.

:: ashli 4:18 PM # ::
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Ever wondered what you can do to help prevent the abortion-related deaths of American children? Ever wanted to take action and yet, standing outside of abortion clinics with posters of aborted babies isn't really your thing? Ever felt like voting pro-life is right up your alley but only being able to do so every 4 years is leaving you a little flat?

Well, cheer up! Today you can take a stand and say NO to the Obama administration's imminent intent (we're talkin' within the next 24 hours) to fast-track socialized health care. Socialized health care means RATIONING health care...which means that women with RARE and EXPENSIVE pregnancy diseases will more than likely not make the cut...which means that more of their pregnancies will end in abortion.

So, do this today (you can do it for FREE by clicking on the "How to Send Your Own Faxes" button on the left sidebar at that site). Also, these Dems oppose fast-tracking, so call them and urge them to oppose fast-tracking socialized health care:

Senator Mark Begich 202-224-3004
Senator Robert Casey 202-224-6324
Senator Mary Landrieu 202-224-5824
Senator Max Baucus 202-224-2651
Senator Daniel Inouye 202-224-3934
Senator Mark Pryor 202-224-2353
Senator Amy Klobuchar 202-224-3244
Senator Carl Levin 202-224-6221
Senator Blanche Lincoln 202-224-4843
Senator Robert Byrd 202-224-3954
Senator Evan Bayh 202-224-5623

And as always call your own senators/congressperson.

I sent the faxes, called the Democrat senators and my own senators and congressman. You do the same. You'll be glad you did!

:: ashli 8:43 AM # ::
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Another moment brought to you by abortion...

Today at around 3:08 PM in Florida, you would have found me pulled over on the side of the road with my face buried in my hands as I gasped for oxygen and very audibly sobbed, because my very challenging son, who was diagnosed with autism at 8 and who had just had yet another public episode, innocently asked me if I wished I would have aborted him.

I was not prepared for this question. It felt like the whole of my viscera had been pulled through my navel in one neat tug, and I started weeping inconsolably. Not because there was any truth to his statement, but because I killed his brother or sister, my first child, in a second trimester abortion.

I was crying, my startled four-year-old was crying, my son was confused...

This is where we are 12 years later.

Abortion is forever.

:: ashli 9:28 PM # ::
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Bet you anything these two are staunch abortion supporters.

:: ashli 6:15 PM # ::
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Well, this torques me off. First of all, we're talking 17-year-olds, technically still kids. They can't buy a beer until they're 21, but they can unnaturally halt a huge, natural process that studies show has huge health ramifications...oh, not to mention it kills a kid. Yeah, there is that.

In a massive display of cajones, "U.S. District Judge Edward Korman ruled last month in a lawsuit filed in New York that President George W. Bush's appointees let politics, not science, drive their decision to restrict over-the-counter access."

Politics and not science? POLITICS AND NOT SCIENCE??? Are you flipping KIDDING me?!? Is this for freaking REAL??? Oh my gosh, I'm in freakin CRAZY TOWN.

Science, not politics, CLEARLY shows when a human being's life begins. CLEARLY. And everybody knows it. But POLITICS has been the ONLY focus since day freaking one; science has been completely ignored. So I find it oh just a tad more than hypocritical when an abortion supporter cries foul because "science is being ignored." Oh my freaking goodness!!!

"Among many in the medical community, it came to symbolize the decline of science at the agency because top FDA managers refused to go along with the recommendations of scientific staff and outside advisers that the drug be made available with no age restrictions."

Hello, did a three-year-old write this AP article? "decline of science" and "scientific staff." Good freakin' grief. Science, scientific staff and outside advisers. ROFL! It's hilarious! And there are actually real flesh and blood people who eat this bilgewater up! Oh my gosh, it's freakin comedy!

"'The FDA got caught up in a saga, it got caught up in a drama,' said Susan Wood, who served as the agency's top women's health official and resigned in 2005 over delays in issuing a decision. 'This issue served as a clear example of the agency being taken off track, and it highlighted the problems FDA was facing in many other areas.'"

Translation: The FDA didn't rule in favor of my political ideology, so they were "off track." P.S. anyone who questions abortion is a drama queen.

Speaking of drama, did you hear the one about the woman who resigned from her job because it didn't give her an answer about abortion when she wanted it? It's almost like the FDA's top women's health official was, politically speaking, an abortion zealot. Where are the "scientific staff" with their "scientific thingies" (that show that abortion is good) when you need them?

"Early in the Bush administration, more than 60 organizations petitioned the FDA to allow sales without a prescription. But according to court documents, the issue quickly became politicized."

Ooo! >60 organizations? "What's WRONG with that awful ol' woman-hating Bush organization?" LOL! Hey, I wonder W.H.O. those 60 organizations were. I'm sure all were completely politically objective "scientific staff."

"In 2005, the Center for Reproductive Rights and other organizations sued in federal court to force an FDA decision."

Oh, how novel: people who make money off of killing your children want to make even more money off of killing even more of your children. THAT'S progress for women!

"In his ruling, Korman said that FDA staffers were told the White House had been involved in the decision on Plan B. The government said in court papers that politics played no role."

Another novelty: a democrat charging conspiracy.

"The FDA allowed Plan B to be sold without a prescription to adults. But the controversy raged on over access for teens."

I hear the Center for Reproductive Rights' (and "other organizations'") next big lawsuit is whether or not to include Fred Flintstone, a male, in a chewable version of Plan B for those women who are too young yet to actually swallow pills. Thankfully, now that the FDA is back on track under the Obama Administration that decision will be based totally on science.

:: ashli 9:09 AM # ::
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If you pray, please do so for this lovely mama. She's in the "belly of the whale" and needs relief all the way around. If the time for that is not yet come, please pray for strength and for the suffering to yet deepen the relationship with Christ, blessing both mother and family.

Christianity is not always easy, but there is beauty in suffering for what is right. Find it.

:: ashli 2:53 PM # ::
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Seriously freaky.

HT: a

:: ashli 8:41 PM # ::
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"They also would prohibit funding of work on embryos created specifically for research purposes, with the aim of keeping the money going to work using cells taken from embryos that parents donated after they decided not to try to use fertility clinic embryos to create a pregnancy.

They also lay out guidance to make sure parents know and agree to how the embryos would be used, and limit the use of federal tax money to create certain human-animal hybrids."

Parents??? Oopsie! Reuters' Truth slip!

:: ashli 3:34 PM # ::
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I saw a mother in traffic three days ago. She had a bumper sticker that said, "My daughter was killed by a drunk driver." Is she on the list too? No. She makes sense. No one would deny her her cause. Her child was killed violently, and as a mother she opposes the terrible thing that took her child's life.

But when you're the mother of a child who died in an abortion, you're not allowed to have a normal response. You're to "have an abortion and a smile." Otherwise...you're a dangerous right wing extremist who EXPLOITS abortion (see pg. 5). It's insulting as heck.

I'm not dangerous. Point in case: I don't believe in abortion anymore.

Where's MY apology?

:: ashli 11:10 PM # ::
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Post-Roesgen and how!

Right on!

:: ashli 10:48 PM # ::
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Visit www.moblyng.com to make your own!

:: ashli 10:57 PM # ::
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Conservopunk.blogspot.com

Right on!

:: ashli 1:52 PM # ::
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In 2005, Jay Leno's wife, Mavis, told the Detroit Free Press:

"Our current conservative, religious government is obsessed with women on life support and with fetuses because they are imaginary people," as opposed to acknowledging the rights of everyday women, she said.

Mrs. Leno, My child was real. You are the one imagining things.

:: ashli 1:32 PM # ::
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Hippocratic Oath vs. Hypocritical Oath

:: ashli 7:45 AM # ::
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Fawcett became an "Angel" by choice, but the children who died for her cancer treatment became angels against their will. That's not cool.

And it didn't even work.

:: ashli 3:35 PM # ::
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Don't forget: Red envelope day is Tuesday.

:: ashli 10:36 PM # ::
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Dear God in heaven...

:: ashli 9:01 PM # ::
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"'To have your child die before you is devastating beyond words,' said his father.

Today's change of policy is something that Strongin and Goldberg have been advocating for years so that other parents don't have to go through what they did.

'It is too late for us, [and] obviously for Henry at this point, but it is not too late for us to stand up and applaud this incredibly wonderful thing,' said Henry's mother.

Mr. Bush and his supporters said they were defending human life; days-old embryos--typically from fertility-clinic leftovers otherwise destined to be thrown away--are destroyed for the stem cells."

To have your child die within you because of you isn't a picnic either. It teaches you things about human life and the value of it.

But I do feel deeply for parents like Henry's. If my daughter were dying and needed an organ, I'd be sorely tempted to pray for someone else's child to get into a car wreck so we could have that organ. Horrible, but true. I understand the ferociousness of love for a child. I also understand the pain of losing a child (whoa, that comment won't be appreciated by about half the population) but what we are talking about is deliberately destroying one living child to save another who has been around longer (not to mention the fact that children are being "destined" for the trash).

Embryonic stem cell research is definitely a case of some children are trash and some are treasures. Man, that sucks.

I would never vilify the parents of ailing children. They are in a tight, tight spot. I would do anything to help them--anything except kill other children.

Wanting their children to live is right. Killing other children to achieve that end is wrong.

This life is harder than hard. Thank God we have a Savior.

:: ashli 9:23 AM # ::
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The Way.

The Chicago Way.

HT: TRA

:: ashli 9:13 AM # ::
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I agree!

HT: TRA

:: ashli 10:54 PM # ::
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I'm neither justifying nor condemning the choice that the mother of the octuplets made, but I AM making commentary on the liberal anchors of the CBS show here. Watch the video.

Have you ever seen libs being this judgmental about say, homosexuality or late term abortion (or perhaps "octo-abortion moms")?

If we can't trust a woman to choose to HAVE children, how can we trust a woman to choose to KILL children???

The double-standard here is just stomach-turning.

If Nadya chooses to HAVE 8 children she's WRONG, but if she chooses to ABORT 8 children she's simply sexually free and more power to her. WHAT?!

I throw up my hands (and my lunch).

Where is the consistency?

Why aren't these freaking libs appealing to their leader for a bail out for Suleman? Instead of rolling their eyes at the audacity of her choices, why aren't they trying to buy her a home and a car and care financially for her and her children forever? Why does it matter to them whether or not her challenges were created by her? They're certainly bailing the heck out of entities whose glaring irresponsibility caused themselves (and everyone else) massive difficulties.

What is it about Suleman that momentarily alters the divide between liberal and conservative thinking? Do the libs think she's the only one in this nation who has made choices that have gotten her and her children into trouble? Oh, so we should all look down on her, but everyone else who makes questionable choices, as long as they don't have 8 children at once while receiving public assistance, is a victim and should be bailed out. That's what their leader stumped on for Pete's sake.

There was a theory held by that most unsavory other party that people should take responsibility for the choices they make. And further, that it is unfair to penalize (see: rob) people who make wise decisions; i.e., they should not be forced to pay for the financial mistakes of others. But that theory was poopoo'd by the libs and their leader who called that sort of thinking "selfish."

Why then are libs being so selfish in regard to Suleman? Where is the lib love?

I suggest they honor their "king" by rolling their eyes less and rolling up their sleeves more. Instead of leaving Suleman to the consequences of her choices, they should be doing their best to fulfill those areas, which, in their opinions, are lacking. To promote "hope and change," they should supply mental health care, a place to live, transportation, child care, food, clothing, anything Nadya and the children need in order to keep the family together and everyone well cared for.

They should be outraged at the suggestion that anyone would come and take her children away, and should support her choice to have 8 more children if she so chooses of her own free, feminist will. Above all, they should never question her reproductive choices for to do so would be the ultimate, anti-woman offense. They should embrace Sulman's differences; individual uniqueness is what makes the world go round after all.

If she should have the right to marry a woman, so should she have the right to NOT marry a man and yet single-handedly populate a small country in spite of her marital or financial status.

Looking askance at any of these facets comes uncomfortably close to conservative thought. And as a nation of community organizers who bring hope, change and fairy dust to the world we simply cannot have that.

:: ashli 12:25 PM # ::
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Please pray for a miracle for this little girl and her family.
And go out and buy a Jonas Brothers album.



Life is precious.

:: ashli 8:59 AM # ::
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Comment from a friend re: the Barney Frank post:

"Nice that a guy who doesn't know (allegedly) what's going on in his own home was this country's financial watchdog."

And how.

HT: TRA

:: ashli 9:40 PM # ::
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Hmmm...I tend to believe Gobie in light of the lying liar that I strongly suspect Barney Frank to be.

:: ashli 6:40 PM # ::
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The last election proves that this country cares less about human lives and more about money. The last election also proves a lot of other things about the people of our nation, one of them being that we don't pay attention, and we have amnesia.

This blog is about abortion. It's about the deception of the machine and who your friends really are (and are not).

52% of this nation didn't care about destructive hands reaching into the womb as much as they cared about them reaching into the wallet. So to those 52%, as you watch your leader struggle through the horrendous ineptitude that he calls the legacy of the last administration, do be reminded of this:



Yes, "even if there wree a problem the federal government wouldn't bail [Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac] out."

Hey, supporters of "choice," the last election was a choice between money and human life; you chose money (and geniuses like Barney Frank).

Let's see how that works out for you.

:: ashli 8:05 AM # ::
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"I think it's about time that I scolded my Christian friends who voted for Obama..."

HT: TRA

:: ashli 2:45 PM # ::
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Hipocrisy:

"AP Source: Obama to rescind Bush abortion rule

Loa WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama plans to repeal a Bush administration rule that has become a flash point in the debate over a doctor's right not to participate in abortions. The regulation, instituted in the last days of the Bush administration, strengthened job protections for doctors and nurses who refuse to provide a medical service because of moral qualms.

A Health and Human Services official said Friday the administration will publish notice of its intentions early next week, opening a 30-day comment period for advocates on both sides, medical groups and the public.

The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the notice has not been completed.

The Bush administration rule was quickly challenged in federal court by several states and medical organizations. As a candidate, President Barack Obama criticized the regulation and campaign aides promised that if elected, he would review it.

The news that he was doing so drew praise from abortion-rights supporters and condemnation from groups opposed to abortion.

"It would be a horrible move. These regulations were a long time coming," said Tom McClusky, a vice president at Family Research Council. "What they seek to do is protect patients, nurses, doctors and other health care professionals from being forced to violate their consciences."

McClusky and other abortion opponents said the Bush regulation clarified federal policies and raised awareness about the rights of medical providers to follow their consciences. But abortion rights advocates said it was vague and overly broad, and could reduce access to other services — allowing a drug store clerk to refuse to sell birth control pills, for example.

"I think it's a wonderful step," Rep. Diana DeGette, D-Colo., who co-chairs the Congressional Pro-choice Caucus and has introduced legislation to overturn the regulation, said of Obama's move.

"That rule was actually a poorly drafted last-minute attempt to, I think, restrict health care access and I think it would have had far-reaching and unintended consequences."

Federal law has long forbidden discrimination against health care professionals who refuse to perform abortions or provide referrals for them on religious or moral grounds. The Obama administration supports those laws, said the HHS official.

The Bush administration's rule adds a requirement that institutions that get federal money certify their compliance with laws protecting the rights of moral objectors. It was intended to block the flow of federal funds to hospitals and other institutions that ignore those rights.

But the Obama administration was concerned that the Bush regulation went too far and could also be used to refuse birth control, family planning services and counseling for vaccines and transfusions.

The White House released a statement saying that Obama supports a "carefully crafted" conscience clause — not Bush's version.

"He believes this issue requires a balance between the rights of providers and the health of women and their families, a balance that the last-minute Bush rule appears to upset," the statement said.

The administration will review comments from the public before making a final decision. Options range from repealing the regulation to writing a new one with a narrower scope.

The administration's move was first reported by the Los Angeles Times."

:: ashli 9:01 PM # ::
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Coming to the party late again, but...

"Please visit our website:

http://www.RedEnvelopeDay.com

What:
Get red envelopes or postcards (http://www.zazzle.com/RedEnvelopeDay)
and mail them on March 31st to the White House

When:
March 31st, 2009

Get a red envelope. You can buy them at Kinkos, or at party supply
stores. On the front, address it to

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington , D.C. 20500

On the back, write the following message.

This envelope represents one child who died because of an abortion.
It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part
of our world.

We will mail the envelopes out March 31st, 2009.

Put it in the mail, and send it. Then forward this event to every one
of your friends who you think would send one too. I wish we could send
50 million red envelopes, one for every child who died [in the U.S.]
before having a chance to live.

It may seem that those who believe abortion is wrong are in a
minority. It may seem like we have no voice and it's shameful to even
bring it up. Let us show our President and the world that the voices
of those of us who do not believe abortion is acceptable are not
silent and must be heard.

Together we can change the heart of The President and save the lives
of millions of children.

Barack Obama spoke at a Planned Parenthood Action Fund event, uttering
the now infamous line, "Well, the first thing I'd do as president is,
is sign the Freedom of Choice Act. [Applause.] That's the first thing
that I'd do."

An empty red envelope will send a message to President Barack Obama
that there is moral outrage in this country over this issue [The
Freedom of Choice Act, which would essentially “undo” every law
currently in place to limit abortion in the U.S. (i.e., parental
consent laws, parental notification, waiting periods, prohibition of
transporting a minor girl across state lines to obtain an abortion,
etc.)]. It will be quiet, but clear.

Please read more about The Freedom of Choice Act here:

http://www.lifenews.com/nat4359.html

http://www.barackobama.com/2008/01/22/obama_statement_on_35th_annive.php

http://www.jillstanek.com/archives/2008/07/one_year_annive.html

http://www.RedEnvelopeDay.com"

HT: CC

:: ashli 6:46 AM # ::
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Obviously this officer does not advocate abortion, for in his mind "abortion" meant "kill," when, as all abortion supporters know, it simply means "choice." So when the poor driver sported a bumper sticker that said "Abort Obama" what he really meant was "Choose Obama." 52% of America did just that on election day, and you don't see the Secret Service showing up at their doors.

HT: TRA

:: ashli 9:31 PM # ::
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For a friend:
the faint outline of the reality of loss
their comfort, my expense
sticker situation
nonconformist
a load of crap
underrepresented
Flip flop
another satisfied customer
heal-or-else movement's double standard
goofballs unite
results
Jesus heals it, baby!
HEAL!
unhealed voices of discontent
broken hinges
cure for love

:: ashli 10:20 AM # ::
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"Octuplet birth doctor under investigation

LOS ANGELES — The spotlight on the mother of octuplets is turning to the fertility doctor who helped her give birth not once but 14 times by implanting Nadya Suleman with fertilized embryos.

The Medical Board of California investigating the doctor — whom it did not name — to see if there was a "violation of the standard of care," board spokeswoman Candis Cohen said Friday.

She did not elaborate.

Suleman, 33, of Whittier, already had six children when she gave birth Jan. 26 to octuplets. The births to an unemployed, divorced single mother prompted angry questions about how she plans to provide for her children.

But the backlash seems to have extended as well to Suleman's doctor.

In a portion of an NBC interview, broadcast Friday, Suleman said she had six embryos implanted for each of her in vitro pregnancies, using the same sperm donor and fertility specialist.

In the case of the octuplets, the procedure resulted in six boys and two girls, including two sets of twins.

"The revelation about one center treating her makes the treatment even harder to understand," said Arthur Caplan, bioethics chairman at the University of Pennsylvania. "They went ahead when she had six kids, knowing that she was a single mom ... and put embryos into her anyway."

In the United States, there is no law dictating the number of embryos that can be placed in a mother's womb. Multiple embryos can be implanted to improve the odds that one will take.

However, there are national guidelines which put the norm at two to three embryos for a woman of Suleman's age, in order to lessen the health risks to the mother and the chances of multiple births.

When asked why so many embryos were implanted, Suleman told NBC: "Those are my children, and that's what was available and I used them. So, I took a risk. It's a gamble. It always is."

She said her life's goal was to be a mother and she had struggled for seven years before finally giving birth to her first child in 2001.

"All I wanted was children. I wanted to be a mom. That's all I ever wanted in my life," Suleman said in the portion of the interview that aired Friday. "I love my children."

According to state documents, Suleman told a doctor she had three miscarriages. Another doctor disputed that number, saying she had two ectopic pregnancies, a dangerous condition in which a fertilized egg implants somewhere other than in the uterus."(Associated Press)

Oh, so I guess it's only a woman's body, a woman's choice, a private affair between her and her physician when she wants to kill her children (as many children as she chooses to kill). But she should be frowned upon, and the doctor should be investigated, for choosing to give life to as many children as she chooses to have.

Apparently, it is OK for others to scrutinize her lifestyle (single mom with six kids) that they may judge whether it is a lifestyle worthy of living or bringing children into.

My, my. I suppose we'd all better make certain we are meeting the standards of life according to someone else's definition (the government?) or else we and our doctors might also receive a visit from the fertility police.

In our society of abortion on demand, Suleman chose to have these children. For a nation that adores Planned Parenthood, we sure seem to be against it.

:: ashli 9:22 AM # ::
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"That kid [Trig Palin] was used as a prop," Buchwald told lawyers during a hearing on Wednesday. "And that to me as a parent blew my mind."

HT: TRA

:: ashli 11:19 PM # ::
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JOIN.

HT: TRA

:: ashli 3:11 PM # ::
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The Path to Personhood GRTL Promo 2008 from Georgia Right to Life on Vimeo.

HT:a

:: ashli 9:54 PM # ::
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It's January. There are all sorts of internal goings on. I never fail to marvel at it. It has been so long since I lost my first child in an abortion that I asked and paid for in January '97. Still a day is a lifetime to the mayfly, so it's all relative. Twelve years has and hasn't been a long time. We can agree on that.

I'm not NOT writing because of some myth that I don't care anymore. I'm not neglecting the Cell because I no longer exist here having myriad thoughts, emotions, perspectives each day. It's purely practical; I'm busy as all get out (southern for quite engaged).

When my children are raised and gone, you will find me blogging every day and old, wrinkled and limping along at the annual March. I missed it again this year, because I'm a mom (and because I don't fly). In the end it's worth it; motherhood is now. I'm grateful for it.

But I am and will always be torn, because my life has been polluted by abortion. Now I have "a past," and I want to do something about it. I won't remain silent. But for now I'm on a necessary intermission. I like to think that the next several years on the back burner is just me warming up. (D'har.)

I'm only stealing this moment this morning, in between mahogany sips of Nespresso, to observe that this month I:

*have had "unexplained" feelings of sadness
*am experiencing flashbacks
*am not sleeping well, specifically, waking in the middle of the night with panicky feelings, something very abnormal for me which otherwise coincides only with severe physical illness

I realize that my mother died this month in '96. I realize that I had a traumatic D&C in January '98 after miscarrying the second child at around Christmas and refusing to have him/her removed without a second and third opinion and futile time to figure out a way to reanimate the dead. But I know what's really eating me, because I awoke one night with vivid images of my broken child a moment after his/her end, wondering where they put his/her finished remains, and seeing the reality of the last bit of metabolism and insulation-related heat (life-warmth and mother-warmth) ebb hopelessly away. I saw the unseen infrared waves dancing away toward the heavens, adhering to the ceiling, warming the building, helping to keep the machine running. I turned to the tiny, sleeping form beside me, and I thought, "Your brother, your sister, my child..."

So I got up and quietly paced the hall until the reality sunk in again that it is done, that I can not call a mulligan, I can not break into the abortion clinic, rifle through the freezer, locate, repair and rescue my child. I realize how that sounds; I have this dream where the children in the freezer are clockwork, and all I need do is pull out my tin key and wind them. It's a sweet dream whose spell, when broken, causes me to pace the empty hall in wee small hours.

OK, so I admit I haven't really been terribly emotionally sound since I added my posterity to Pendy's prosperity.

I won't apologize for my reaction. I've been called immature and psychologically damaged because of it. But I never want to be so "mature" that killing my child and trodding upon his/her ruined body is freedom. I never want to be so psychologically "healthy" as to find complete satisfaction in a rationalization that my physical comfort is more important than another human being's life.

I am glad for what I am now, and hate what I was when I took my helpless child to a building in Orlando where I asked a man to slaughter him/her and paid for it twice (as a bigger filet costs more to devour, bigger babies cost more to kill, dear reader).

I have abortion to thank for opening my eyes about abortion and about the rotten, slithering hunk of wasted space I was. So if that is your definition of success, then abortion is smashing.

You know, this January has taken me by surprise. It really has. Because this year I'd determined to put on my big girl panties and "take it like a man." After all, it has been twelve years. Twelve years of coming to terms with abortion and the loss of my precious child. Like lead in my soul, it's always there, even when I smile. But I really was not going to succumb to all the emotional "nonsense" this month, this year. I was going to be cerebral. I was going to be wisened, hardened to it, cured (so to speak).

But today I find that I'm as sloppy as ever. Sloppier. And right now the thought of saying a word to my dead child is more than I can bear. If I at this moment I married my heart with words for him/her I would lose myself in a place I couldn't claw my way out of quickly enough to meet today's impending responsibilities.

So today, on the twelve-year anniversary, I will attempt to encapsulate the complicated contradiction of abortion-related grief. It will be a cancer I know I have, and in a moment tiny pink fingers gloved in wool will be the circus I run away to.

:: ashli 6:48 AM # ::
...

OK, so wait. This person was fragile and unable to care for himself, which is precisely why it is particularly shameful that no one took measures to protect his life. But a gestating child who is fragile and unable to care for himself is not even a human being precisely because he is fragile and unable to care for himself.

Hmm...I guess I'm pretty bad at math, because things like this just don't add up.

:: ashli 6:38 PM # ::
...

Made to love...

"Riley Ann Sawyers tried to stop her mother and stepfather from beating her to death by reaching out to her mother and saying, 'I love you.'"

:: ashli 12:09 PM # ::
...

God bless Omerica!

Bless Omerica!

This post approved by the ACLU:

Omerica!

HT: RT

:: ashli 9:02 AM # ::
...

A note to a friend:

"E had her ears pierced today. It's something I said she could do if she ever wanted to, but I talked it up really grisly-like to try and keep her a baby for as long as possible. She asked me this morning if she could get her ears pierced and said, "I know it will hurt." I knew she was ready. We took her after harp lessons, and she sat in silence while the lady pierced both of her ears. When it was all over she reached up for me to hold her. When I picked her up she buried her face in my neck and wept silently.

I cannot tell you how much I cherish this little girl.

She was always who she is, the same as you and me. She was only smaller and weaker before, but she was herself; she was alive and growing. She's so little even now, but she's getting bigger every day. One day she'll be a woman, God willing, and one day she'll be old.

She can breathe on her own but needs me now for mostly everything else. There will come a day when she won't. She isn't less of a person now and more of a person then. She's still E, always was, always will be.

I'm so disappointed in myself. How could I ever not have known this? Or worse--how could I ever not have cared?

In the history of the world, no people have ever been more disenfranchised than the weakest of us, the least of us, our littlest children. Our people think that killing them is evolved, while it is in fact barbaric. Light is dark, dark is light, bitter, sweet, sweet, bitter. Of us the 'choicers' think: 'They mean well but they're misguided.'

However, we have the benefit of being absolutely right.

We also have the daily sorrow as we think of all the Es and Ts, Ds and As, etc., who are being led away to slaughter by those for whom they were created (made to trust, made to love...). It's madness.

I was part of the machine and became even more than that to my own.

I'll never go back.

Out of the dark and into the Light. I'm thankful at least for that."

:: ashli 8:43 AM # ::
...

"They do draw the line at the old Mayan practice of throwing infants into volcanoes, although I don't see why, under their theory, that wouldn't be a protected exercise of religion as well."

An oldie but a goody!

HT: a

:: ashli 8:38 AM # ::
...

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca.) will bring her 'Kill the Children' economic stimulus plan to the floor of the House this week for a likely vote on Thursday. On ABC’s 'This Week' last Sunday, Pelosi justified the inclusion of expanded federal funding for abortions as part of an economic stimulus plan on the grounds that reducing the number of children being born would help stimulate the economy."

Pelosi ought to spend the money on a big ol' atomic bomb. Then we could drop it on ourselves and reduce a whole lotta debt!

You gotta love those bleeding heart dems. They just care and care and care about the people.

Kinda makes you cry, doesn't it.

:: ashli 3:33 PM # ::
...

"How do pro-choicers who argue that women should be free to make reproductive decisions according to their consciences reconcile that belief with legislation that would force health care providers to violate theirs?"

:: ashli 8:07 PM # ::
...

After my nightmare woes, this literally made me laugh out loud:

"Instead, the President signed the measure in a darkened room late Friday afternoon after the close of the week’s news cycle, quickly scurrying away like a filthy, disease-ridden cockroach."

:: ashli 9:53 AM # ::
...

Normally I go to bed HORRIBLY LATE. I don't know why. It has never made sense to me; you'd think that every time a cloud passed over the sun I'd hop into its protective shadow and attempt unconsciousness, but no. I usually go to bed between 2 and 3 in the morning, and sometimes not at all. And I pay for that. So does everyone around me. Yet I still persist.

I think I've a clue as to why.

Lately, I've been trying to go to bed at a decent hour (between 9-10PM), and I've noticed that I have nightmares all night long. When I kept late hours I didn't dream much. Oh, I had the occasional vision, and occasionally it was nasty-wasty, but my brain was mostly too-fried to conjure up any dreams much less a nice vivid gut-wrencher. Now when I go to bed at a decent hour it's like my brain isn't completely exhausted and so it has the energy to cook up all these horrible scenarios.

Ever since I killed my first child in a second-trimester abortion I have had the recurring dream that I have decapitated my dad (see: paternal grandfather who, along with my grandmother, had custody of me). Always in the dream someone is on the verge of finding out. Last night my mother (see grandmother) was thinking of moving back to Tennessee. In these dreams my dad is usually buried nearby. Last night he was in the back yard. She was thinking of disinterring him and reinterring him in Tennessee. Of course I flipped. I assumed she was going to open the casket at some point and find that while his head would be there, it wouldn't be in its usual location. So I spent the whole dream feeling sick to my stomach at the grisly thing I'd done, wondering why in heaven's name I hacked my beloved dad's head off in the first place, and trying like mad to prevent anyone from discovering what I'd done.

I know I have unresolved issues. My parents were both dead before I even got married. My mom died right before I married. We discussed what she would wear at the wedding, but she didn't make it. Three months after the wedding scarlet hell came knocking in the form of a severe, debilitating pregnancy-related maternal illness that was neglected by just the right group of ignorant, uninterested physicians. Our precious, much-anticipated baby was due on our first wedding anniversary. It was very sweet, but everything was transformed by the illness, and you know the rest of the story. But perhaps my parents don't.

Get ready to send emails:
I'm not exactly sure what happens when we die.

The Bible speaks often of death in terms of sleep. Re: Christ's comment in Luke 23:43: "Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.'" The argument is made that the original differs with the modern punctuation and should be read: "Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth today, you will be with me in paradise.'"

Also consider that the dead shall rise from their graves at the second coming of Jesus. What are they rising from if they haven't been there all along? Apparently, they are rising to spiritual bodies.

If we rise to spiritual bodies at the moment of death, why then are we told that we will rise from the dead at the time of the Second Coming? (Read all of 1 Corinthians 15 for more on sleeping and Christ being the FIRST to rise to the new body. Also, you'll find the interesting Mormon thing in there; you'll know what I'm talking about when you read it. Ooo, mystery!)

OK, so "Bible corner with Ashli" is only to say that I do think it's possible that right at this moment my (grand)parents are just...dead. I didn't say this was the popular Christian concept, but I've never been one to follow a crowd.

If my folks are, for the moment, kaput, then they don't know the ghastly thing that I've done, which could account for the recurring paternal Pop nightmare! Yes, yes, I've finally gotten back around to that, and it only took me about ten thousand words! WOOHOO!!!

I wonder, "Why my (grand)dad? Why always him?" I loved them both very much; there's no reason for me to mentally lop off his head and not hers. There are no hidden secrets, no abuse, nothing but good vibrations. Why always him?

And I think back to some guy who wrote a crazy paper that, in my mind, immediately discredited pretty much anything he ever had to say. But in my search, I find myself wondering...could any aspect of that be true? Is this symbolic? I.e., somewhere in my biology do I know that my baby was a boy? Because for the life of me, intellectually, I have NO CLUE. Other mothers say they "just know" the sex of their aborted children (although they have zero evidence). I say it's not possible, but what's the point in taking that away from them? And anyway, I'm just trying to find an answer for this freaking dream, so I'm reaching, reaching.

BTW, spare me the reincarnation-related emails. I reject that idea outright, so go spew your Bible hokey pokey somewhere else. (The older I get, the more apt I am to just come right out and say things, coarse as they may be.)

There has GOT to be a reason I keep having this dad-decapitating dream, but I confess I don't know what it is. Perhaps the answer is to let go of the answer and focus on the cure.

My (grand)dad was not maimed. The only person I ever maimed was my child. I know how the dreaded D&E is performed during the 2nd trimester of pregnancy. I know that my child very likey was decapitated, perhaps while already dead from previous abortion-related injuries.

I know David set circumstances so that an innocent man (Uriah) would be killed. I also know that God was neither fooled nor swayed by technicalities; He pointed His almighty finger at David saying, "YOU killed him..." I am guilty. That does not take away the guilt of contributors (such as the abortionist, without whom I never would have killed my child), but I AM GUILTY.

This cannot be "worked out" as the "dream experts" suggest I do. The only One Who can resolve it is Christ Himself. So henceforth I determine to remember to, through the fog of my dreams, call on His name.

The next time I have this dream, I will cry out like a wounded child. I will call the name of Christ, upon whose scarred body my sins rest. It is all I can do. In moments like these I realize that all I really have is Christ.

And He is enough.

:: ashli 7:53 AM # ::
...

"In fact, there are 115,000 abortions daily worldwide..."

:: ashli 9:25 PM # ::
...

With permission, excerpts from the email of a wounded dad:

"Today I am obsessed with the damage that abortion brought into my life. I don't think I was so obsessed for many years, but it came to the forefront of my mind a few years ago and has not left.

I've often wondered what it would be like to talk to someone who had their closest family members brutally murdered to see if they also struggled with the obsession. Or maybe to talk to parents who have lost all of their children born to them prematurely due to a terrible tragedy. I, too, have been to some Christian based post abortion healing programs and got a lot out of them, but not the seeming 'cure' that some think I should have. I know how well meaning some of the ladies are about their ministry, and I can never take away the good works they really do.

My abortion story:
I was 26 at the time and had a pretty severe problem with drugs and alcohol. I was also quite promiscuous and not the kind of gentlemen I thought I should be because I was of a split mind (spiritually not mentally). Even though I had a girlfriend in another town I had been seeing publicly for over a year I met and fell in love with this young girl at the college I attended. I had cheated on my girlfriend before but it was always the meaningless hookups found in bars that, at the time, I could dismiss inwardly. I didn't expect to fall in love with someone other than the dutiful girlfriend I thought I should marry. But I did.

I couldn't very easily dismiss such an affair. After many weeks of really sweet talks, walks, and simple exchanges of affection we both found ourselves willing to completely consummate the relationship after a night of drinking. Romantic, eh? It only took one night.

Weeks later she calls me up and says she needs to see me and talk. I did have a little apprehension, but not about what I would soon hear. Nothing I had ever thought of could have prepared me for the news that she was pregnant. If you had asked me what my reaction would be just hours before, as a hypothetical question, of course, I doubt I would have told you I wanted to be a father.

After she spoke for a while, and I sat in stunned silence, the only thing I could say was that I would support her and the child no matter what. Abortion wasn't really in my sphere of reality then. I wanted to do the honorable thing in that instant--that was a shock to me as well as to her. She quickly realized that I didn't 'get' that she was scared and was asking me to help her with an abortion. I didn't know what to say, so she said I could have a day or so to think about it.

My next move after leaving her was to go to a bar and have several beers while I pondered the reality breaking over the top of my head. I was a father, and I got that from those words: 'I'm pregnant.' The question before me in that moment was 'Do I want this child?' to which I unhesitatingly was saying yes.

I had plenty of experiences that had shaped that reality and desire, even if I had been reckless and careless with it. I had an older sister who had miscarried several times before giving up and choosing to adopt just the year before. I had heard many stories of other young couples who were trying to have kids and couldn't; I knew the ability to conceive is not a sure thing.

That night, and the next day I expressed my desire to be a father to her child, our child, if she would only consider it. But I also, for some strange reason, told her I would support her decision whatever it was--even abortion. She let me know that she didn't like the idea but she was going through with it, and she couldn't let me talk her out of it; she didn't want to hesitate any longer.

I came by to stay with her that evening after the procedure. I remember earlier in the day staring at the clock when it was supposed to happen and wondering what it would feel like when my child died, if it would feel like anything at all. Due to my drug and alcohol soaked brain such a wonder was a novelty since I had been trying to avoid and escape such inward glances and emotions for years.

No, no spooky winds blew or bells rang. Nothing really happened that I could tell when my child disappeared from life on earth. But I knew. I knew. My conscience had been pricked in the most severe way. The drugs and booze didn't have a chance at covering up the facts for me to face over the coming days, weeks and months.

Tragedy didn't stop with this one child of mine in the years that immediately followed. I went on to father a child, lost to miscarriage, with the first girlfriend after reconnecting with her briefly. Sadly, I was driven to reconnect with the girl who aborted my first child about 18 months after that, and despite my best attempts to avoid the situation she became pregnant and aborted again. By the time these additional two losses had happened I was sober and working a recovery program. I remember just how much I prayed to God to not let me go through the anguish again. I certainly didn't blame myself for the miscarriage, and the second abortion I made clear that I opposed and would not support such a choice.

God is graceful, I suppose, for over a decade I didn't have to deal with that anguish and loss. My life was very narrow, and I didn't date to speak of. I daydreamed about a future where all would be all right and thought it would just happen. I thought in time I would marry and have kids and I could finally be rid of this stone tied to my heart. But that never happened. I wondered why.

Up until 'the great implosion of 2005' [when I found out that the woman who had aborted two of my children was pregnant with her 'first' child] I still clung to the notion that I genuinely supported 'her choice' which is code for her right to abortion. I don't today.

I don't think she had a right to kill our children, and I know she was wrong for doing it. I also know what part I played in making the deaths of those two children possible, right down to not being able to keep my you know what in my pants! The latter part I recognized way back when it happened and have dealt with it in both good and not so good ways. I did quit screwing around. It's only recently that I can see I was literally protecting my sperm from the awful fate of reproduction turned tragic. It was the only power that I had.

I've struggled in the last few years with the burden thinking it isn't supposed to be there, but slowly I've realized that it is. My thorn, my stone to roll, my cross to bear. Back when it first all happened I became extremely suicidal and that did have the benefit of creating an early and low bottom for me as an addict.

It is one thing to look forward to life's end when so many mysteries will be worked out, but it is another to simply want to stop life to stop the questions. In 2005 it all burst so suddenly into my consciousness that it was unbearable. But in striving to understand and to seek out others it has become more manageable.

Maybe giving it to God is something like working out with weights and God only helps assist in the lift but still expects us to use as much of our own strength as possible. I know I can't simply wish it away, say some magical prayer, or take some series of steps and find the pain and struggle simply dissolves, it doesn't. If I could have gotten 'over it,' whatever that means, I am sure I would have.

Like you I have had to fight hard to find answers that I can live with and accept. I had to confront the silly ideas I had planted in me by magazines and radio, television, the kid down the block, the world at large. It isn't natural for me to agree with conservative religious folk but on the issue of abortion I certainly do, and quite a few other things as time has rolled along.

There are bad events in a person's past that can seem trivial after working through them, but the loss of a child in circumstances like abortion is in a different league. It changes people, or at least it changed me. I do know what part I played and having accepted my responsibility for that has helped. But my spirit is deeply broken. I can never have those children or that family, it is gone.

I have fought being present to my own feelings this past year. Partly because of my anger at her and feeling like it is her turn to grieve. I know I need to forgive, and it is something that I work on each day. Sometimes I feel glimpses of it, but many days I retreat into anger.

Always the obsession with what happened long ago hangs over me. I try to cover it with my jacket and hat when I go out each day. Most people don't know about it. But I know. I know."

:: ashli 10:06 AM # ::
...

The Inauguration

There is much to say, but I won't. I will quiet my own rational and emotional perspective, for the presidency has arrived. It is here.

I would like to remind you that "although the wicked flourish like weeds, and evildoers blossom with success, there is only eternal destruction ahead of them." (Pslam 92:7) I ask you, "Can unjust leaders claim that God is on their side--leaders who permit injustice by their laws? They attack the righteous and condemn the innocent to death. But the LORD is my fortress; my God is a mighty rock where I can hide. God will make the sins of evil people fall back upon them. He will destroy them for their sins. The LORD our God will destroy them." (Psalm 94:20-3) "O LORD, the God to whom vengeance belongs, O God of vengeance, let your glorious justice be seen!" (Psalm 94: 1-2)

Ohhhh, don't you love it when some Christian lifer immediately "invalidates" herself by spewing out Bible scriptures! Don't forget, I've never NOT thumped out wild cadences across the gleaming leather surface of my Bible (the same kind that Lincoln and other presidents swore in on, a-thump a-thump thump)! The difference is that now I actually pay attention to what's inside and I no longer make erasures or additions.

Thought of the day, btw:
Re: "Christian" abortion supporters:
What is the power of one's faith when one doesn't even believe in what CAN be proven?

I know that we are being asked to respect those who believe in the slaughter of over 3,500 people daily here in our country, and yet how much do any of them respect those who advocate a war that has killed far less people? It's interesting to ponder. However, our job is to dissent where we may, where it is most effective, and then wait on the LORD.

So, re: the current administration, be calm. If our nation appears to be out of control it is only an appearance. He's got the whole world in His hands (and I'm not referring to the current president)!

:: ashli 9:44 AM # ::
...

Get ready for the March!

:: ashli 4:21 PM # ::
...

Just a note to follow up on the Disney trip.

I drove, because I have terrible motion sickness. If I'm the passenger, I'm literally nauseous by the time I reach the end of the driveway. If I drive I hardly notice a thing. Being the driver this time prevented a reenactment. I find that helps.

I saw no oranges. I wasn't particularly looking for them. If they were there, they were green; I didn't see them. Two points for me.

I was listening to the Story of the World: Ancient Times, and that proved a distraction. Three points.

We stopped for a long lunch. It broke the trip up and provided more distraction. Four.

I was on complete guard due to the company I was keeping (in-laws). More distraction. Five.

For the first time since I lost my child in a second trimester abortion in Orlando, Florida, a trip to Orlando didn't seem like a trip to the gallows. Nothing short of miraculous. Twelve years out of the experience this month, and I can finally drive south without palpitations and sweating.

The hotel room was something I really worried about. Staying in a hotel in Orlando is not a good combination for me. Thankfully, the room that was booked was different. It had two rooms, a kitchen and a living room, so it was more like a little bungalow than a hotel room. Had it been a Holiday Inn, I don't know what I would have done. Probably refused and caused a huge family drama that my in-laws would have added to their gargantuan cache of Reasons to Strongly Dislike Ashli. Thankfully, serendipitously, the hotel room chosen did not allow a reenactment. Score again.

We spent each day with my in-laws, so I was fully mentally/emotionally engaged. Things are so utterly strained there, that it takes all effort to navigate through each moment while outwardly looking like I'm appreciative, relaxed and having fun. And all the deviations lent themselves to the success of that.

I can't say that I had fun on the trip, but I can say that it was bearable and not at all what I'd feared it could be. Everyone else seemed to have a wonderful time, and for that I am most grateful. For me it was merely a speed bump that did not cast me into a headlong tumble down the vortex of a depression that would take an extended period of time to claw my way out of.

And I thank you for praying for me.

:: ashli 11:35 AM # ::
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Union Station/DC Theatre info for 22 Weeks premiere

Phoenix Threatres Union Station

50 Massachusetts Ave NE
Washington, DC 20002


Showing Date/Times:
January 21, 2009
5:00p
6:30p
8:00p

:: ashli 10:50 AM # ::
...