:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Thursday, May 01, 2003 ::

Major RANT.

I am having a very difficult time with it lately.  I sent the book off to the first round of editing, and the first moment I got to myself I sat down and cried.  Somewhere in the dark last night, I woke up long enough to realize through the fog that my child had been tortured and killed (with the added perk that I was the one who did it).  This morning I woke up in a thick funk just wanting to kill myself.  I'm devastated over the tortured death of one of my kids, and YEAH, it just so happens that I don't feel real good about being the one who made it all happen. Whoever said Jesus' forgiveness is your own?  Christ is perfect, I'm not.  I deeply love, appreciate and accept His forgiveness, but I want my baby.  Now.  RIGHT NOW.  And I will never feel "ok" about taking him/her to an abortion clinic to be killed.  Not in this lifetime. I'm sure there are one or two Christians out there who feel guilty about something in spite of Christ's forgiveness.  Or are Christians immune to guilt because of Jesus?  I've got the director of a CPC (who never lost a child) telling me that I'm not a Christian if I still feel guilty, but meanwhile she feels guilty over straying from her diet and eating a rich dessert! The guy who runs the Memorial for the Unborn (in Tennessee of all places) told me that if I still agonize over killing my child then I'm making myself bigger than Christ, and how dare I? Oh, it just pisses me off.

I can't do pregnancy right, and now it seems, according to "the Christians", I can't even do abortion right (or is it Christianity that i can't do right?).  I'm supposed to squirt my kid out in pieces, cry for a few days, go through "Women in Ramah" overseen by the sham of some poorly trained cpc "counselor", and then I'm supposed to feel "forgiven and set free"!  It's a load of CRAP!!!  My husband and I expected a baby like any happy married couple eagerly expects their first child.  I was mashed within an inch of my life and felt physically forced to kill my own child.  I'm so sick of all this "post-abortion healing" crap!  This is my life now.  THIS IS ABORTION!  If it were as easy as killing your child and then being set free from it, then it wouldn't be such a big deal for women.  It would still kill the children, but we wouldn't need things like Silent No More.    Of course their prevailing message is that abortion hurts but Christ will heal you and make it all better.  Well, He doesn't.  He doesn't make me not hurt every single day.  He doesn't take away the pain of knowing how my child died.  He doesn't heal me of the grief of knowing that I was my child's tortured ruin. He hasn't healed this anymore than He healed me of my HG (which would have kept me from aborting my child in the first place!).  He may heal everything through death, and I can gratefully accept that. But no one ever said that faith in Him would heal everything or make this life easy.

I tell you, lately I've been feeling the draw away from organized religion (and the post-abortion movement) because of the organizations I've been dealing with.  It's really sad that these are the only people who care about us, because they often do a very crappy, crummy job that adds to the pain and despair.  But then again, maybe it's just me.  And I've NEVER been one to play well with others.

:: ashli 9:23 AM # ::

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