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my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Saturday, January 03, 2009 ::

Just a note to follow up on the Disney trip.

I drove, because I have terrible motion sickness. If I'm the passenger, I'm literally nauseous by the time I reach the end of the driveway. If I drive I hardly notice a thing. Being the driver this time prevented a reenactment. I find that helps.

I saw no oranges. I wasn't particularly looking for them. If they were there, they were green; I didn't see them. Two points for me.

I was listening to the Story of the World: Ancient Times, and that proved a distraction. Three points.

We stopped for a long lunch. It broke the trip up and provided more distraction. Four.

I was on complete guard due to the company I was keeping (in-laws). More distraction. Five.

For the first time since I lost my child in a second trimester abortion in Orlando, Florida, a trip to Orlando didn't seem like a trip to the gallows. Nothing short of miraculous. Twelve years out of the experience this month, and I can finally drive south without palpitations and sweating.

The hotel room was something I really worried about. Staying in a hotel in Orlando is not a good combination for me. Thankfully, the room that was booked was different. It had two rooms, a kitchen and a living room, so it was more like a little bungalow than a hotel room. Had it been a Holiday Inn, I don't know what I would have done. Probably refused and caused a huge family drama that my in-laws would have added to their gargantuan cache of Reasons to Strongly Dislike Ashli. Thankfully, serendipitously, the hotel room chosen did not allow a reenactment. Score again.

We spent each day with my in-laws, so I was fully mentally/emotionally engaged. Things are so utterly strained there, that it takes all effort to navigate through each moment while outwardly looking like I'm appreciative, relaxed and having fun. And all the deviations lent themselves to the success of that.

I can't say that I had fun on the trip, but I can say that it was bearable and not at all what I'd feared it could be. Everyone else seemed to have a wonderful time, and for that I am most grateful. For me it was merely a speed bump that did not cast me into a headlong tumble down the vortex of a depression that would take an extended period of time to claw my way out of.

And I thank you for praying for me.

:: ashli 11:35 AM # ::

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