:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

:: Thursday, July 31, 2003 ::

Today's blog featuring the aforementioned mom and baby will have to wait. I'm going to the beach for a little "R and R". That used to stand for "rest and relaxation" back in the days when that sort of thing was possible. These days it's more likely to mean "remembering and regretting".

I'm in deep, baby.

Gotta get away.

:: ashli 7:59 AM # ::
...

OK, let's just call this blog "AFTER After abortion" since I seem to be purloining all my material from Emily this week.

Yesterday Emily posted a link to an exchange between Flip Benham's group and some church members who didn't appreciate a graphic anti-abortion demonstration outside of their "pro-life" church. For those of you who don't already know, Flip is entangled in the Norma McCorvey ("Jane Roe" of Roe V. Wade) conversion story.

I read through the exchanges, and have a few comments.

The first letter is from an irate mom who was not prepared to expose her children to images of children killed by abortion. She also wrote to suggest that the public display of such images might run "post-abortive" women away from church and away from God. She adds that she volunteers at a CPC and Flip's group is "preaching to the choir".

(I am trying to think how I would feel if they came to our church on Sunday and my preschooler was exposed to giant posters of decapitated, eviscerated, slightly decomposed babies. No sir, I don't think I'd like it.)

One of Flip's crew retorts that moms intent on abortion don't go to CPC's, but that's not entirely true. Plenty of abortion-minded moms go there to get a free pregnancy test. I have an acquaintance who went to a CPC on two occasions to confirm the presence of two children she couldn't abort fast enough. I get a news letter from the CPC, and they often talk of abortion minded moms who see their child on new sonogram equipment and decide not to abort after all. (They didn't have this equipment when the acquaintance was very pathetically "counseled" by them.) I think it would have been more appropriate for Flip's team member to say that women entering abortion clinics are intent on abortion and more "sidewalk counselors" are needed at those locations, because that's basically what Flip's group is advocating.

Something that really annoyed me about the first retort was the statement that abortion jeopardizes a woman's soul. All sins jeopardize the soul. Did I miss something somewhere in the Bible or is abortion the special unforgivable sin? Abortion isn't pretty. It's a horrible thing. But does it jeopardize the soul any more than eating Haagen Daz or thinking about having sex with Keanu Reeves or George Clooney (or, for me, a young Jimmy Stewart)? How about stubbing your toe and saying "shit!" by accident? Is there a list of sin values that describes which sins will send you to hell slowly and which will take you there without passing go or collecting $200? Can I download this list on the Internet somewhere?

From what I hear, it's not abortion that sends you to hell but your disbelief in and refusal of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior (John 3:16). Would someone who truly knows Christ abort their child? I am inclined to think not, because I've been there, and looking back, my religious beliefs were a complete and total joke. But does anyone truly know Christ? Again, I am inclined to say no, because no one can truly know the mind of God. I have heard people disagree though. At least one preacher has told me he understands the mind of God. I thought it was silly, but I didn't want to get punched, so I dropped the subject with the Citadel grad.

OK, OK... so the next letter from Flip's group calls the church on their hypocrisy, and I actually agree with that. The president of a now defunct Right to Life group told me that they sent out 80 letters of introduction and invitation to churches in surrounding areas. Only one church responded and it was a request to remove them from the county's Right to Life mailing list. The church said it was concerned with Christian matters and abortion was a political matter. Later the "pro-life" group did manage to get two preachers to come to a meeting. Both of them said they would attend a meeting or two, but they wouldn't actually DO anything, because they didn't want to be "political". One of them assured the group that they would, however, vote "pro-life".

The letter from Flip's group calls for "sidewalk counseling" and implies that because the church has not been actively involved in protesting at the clinic they are not doing their part. Two questions: What is right? What is enough?

Some people help out by sending money to CPC's. CPC's do save lives and they do need money. Is it "pro-life" to send money to CPC's? Yes. It's also pro-Jesus, because most (if not all) of these places are Christian, and their "hidden", number-one agenda is to convert the secular set.

CPC's save lives, but do "sidewalk counselors"? Again, yes. I would think that CPC's actually save more lives and give people a more positive view of the "pro-lifer", but every life counts, and "sidewalk counselors" do successfully convince some not to abort. My friend, the "sidewalk counselor", has directly prevented the deaths of children and the broken hearts of their moms. Tomorrow I'll feature one of these moms and her baby.

Do women and children need sidewalk counselors? Yes. Do they need CPC's? Yes. So it seems to me that both sidewalk counseling and CPC's are good and acceptable ways to be "pro-life".

Now, what is enough? For some, writing a letter to their abortion-supporting congressman is enough. For others, only standing directly outside of the abortion clinic will do. For a very select (and maniacal) few sending a bullet zinging through an abortionist's rotten melon is "going that extra mile" to protect women and children. Because Flip prefers standing outside of abortion mills (and they are mills, baby) does that mean that is what we all should do, otherwise we are not doing enough? I personally don't think so.

"Sidewalk counseling" is a tough gig. They get cussed at, mocked, physically assaulted, soaked with water, spat on, and just generally treated like subhuman pieces of crap. Not many people want to voluntarily enlist in such a physical and emotional zone of discomfort. That makes the gig lonely for those who have committed to doing it. Sometimes my friend is the only one at the clinic, and it's scary and depressing for her. She reminds herself that God is with her, but she also tries to get people to show up, because there is strength in numbers, and it would personally comfort her to stand in solidarity with others. In five years she has been pretty unsuccessful at getting anyone to join her, and she is very frustrated about that.

She used to have a buddy that stood out there with her, but the buddy had to move. Before she moved, the buddy tried to find a replacement so she wouldn't be leaving her friend in a lurch. She pulled out all the stops and pretty much berated everyone in her email address book. I was on the list and got a letter where I was used as an example of hypocritical, undedicated losers who refused to leave their comfort zone to commit to "sidewalk counseling" at the abortion clinic. She didn't mention to everyone that I lived over 4 hours away from the clinic and that I might find it painful to revisit the building where my child was slaughtered at 15 weeks. It pissed me off and hurt my feelings, and it didn't make me sympathetic to her cause. I think that's what the people of the offended church were trying to say to Flip, who went on a radio program and said they all needed to repent because they weren't on the sidewalk at the abortion business.

Flip's group says churches are too worried about "looking nice" and not worried enough about "stanching the flow of innocent blood in this nation". When 80 churches refuse to have anything to do with the abortion issue because it's "political", something is wrong. We're going to Uganda on mission trips, but we're not going down to the corner to help women and children in America. I can share that frustration.

What I don't agree with is the idea that everyone has to do it Flip's way, although I do believe that people who put themselves on the line (like my sidewalk counseling friend) reap that much more reward. I don't know about eternal rewards, but I know my friend lives today knowing that she has made a phenomenal difference in the lives of others: the difference of life where there would have been death. That is an unusual reward that is normally reserved for heavy heads in antiseptic towers of medicine. She's a life saver. But if you voted for Bush, you are too, although less directly perhaps. What is good, and what is enough?

If you investigate abortion and truly seek God's will, I think the answers will be imparted. Is it wrong to reason this? Is it more effective to berate people, to take them by the throat and throttle them saying, "Babies are dying, moms are crying, and YOU'RE DOING NOTHING!"?

Finally Flip sends a letter that basically justifies the large graphic demonstration by saying Jesus used Himself as a graphic display when He hung naked and bleeding on the cross. Flip also says children are not traumatized by images of other children who have been eviscerated and torn apart. He says that only people who support or take part in evil are bothered by evil. He says that good children of good parents only deem these images as educational.

I have a BIG problem with this rationale.

First, Jesus did die very graphically. But did He go to the crowd to display His death or did the morbid crowd come to Him to watch Him die? Were children exposed to His mutilating death because parents chose to involve them in such a scene or did Christ demand that children come and witness violent images of His death to remind them of what He was doing for them? In my heart and mind I imagine that, if there were any children in attendance, it made the death experience all the more painful for Christ who loves children and wants no harm to come to ANY of them.

I will not hide the images of abortion from my child always, and when the time is right he will know about them. This time is different for every child. Some kids may be ready to see such images when they're 9 while others couldn't handle it that early. But no matter what age my child is, if he has a soul in him, he will be traumatized by pictures of dead mutilated children as any normal human being would. For Benham to claim that photos of aborted babies don't traumatize "good people" is ridiculous when his whole reason for showing the pictures is to traumatize people for purposes of motivation.

I admire Flip for the good things he has chosen to do for women, children and families, but I don't think he's right about everything. I do think he harms some people with his methods, but he may view them as collateral damage in the war against abortion.

It is evident that we must do more for women, children and families but what? What will change it all? I don't have the answer to that. Feminists for Life has converted lots of abortion supporters, but would FFL have converted Norma McCorvey? Perhaps so, but only if McCorvey would have voluntarily exposed herself to their message. I'm not sure she would have chosen to do that. Flip got in Norma's face, which worked with an "in-your-face" McCorvey, and that has been very significant to many of us.

Who cares if the abortion-supporters don't care that McCorvey is Roe no more? Her reversal has been a balm for many women who have lost children through abortion. Wounded women who learn through abortion to hate abortion can shake their fists at so-called feminist groups that support abortion and say, "EVEN YOUR OWN POSTER CHILD DOESN'T WANT YOU!!!" Her conversion confirms to us that we're NOT crazy for hurting so badly that we have learned very quickly to despise abortion and view it as bad for women. This is important for us, and Flip was a part of that.

Maybe you're not bad for challenging your church to do more to protect women and children. And maybe you're not an evil creep if you write your congressman, vote "pro-life", send a nice fat check to FFL, and DON'T place yourself on the sidewalk of an abortion mill. Maybe there's room for all sorts of people who oppose abortion.

(And the award for longest blog entry in the universe goes to...)

:: ashli 10:10 AM # ::
...

"Death is a better mother, sweetheart."

This (courtesy another After abortion link) is the utter soulless void where surprising numbers can be found today.

I read the poem. It's a good, good poem, like the Exorcist is a good, good horror flick.

That a woman would see her child as a cancer, a tumor... and death as a mother...

I feel a scream rising in my lumpy throat.

Death is a thief, a criminal, a whore, a devil, but never a mother.

Never a mother.

Why didn't she get the HG? Why don't those who call their sweethearts "cancer" (or "nothing") get the infertility or devastating pregnancy illness?

It's not right to point fingers or to beg answerless questions, but this is my moment, and I do.

IT'S NOT FAIR!

One woman moans from the gut at another negative pregnancy test, another miscarriage, the hundredth emetic episode in less than two weeks, a birthmother who has changed her mind.

One woman leaves her child in an airport toilet, in a trash compactor, in a camp ground porta potty, in a stranger's shed, in a plastic bag, in an ant-infested ditch, in a bell jar...

One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

And I will never understand God's justice.

:: ashli 10:36 AM # ::
...

Due date wishes for darling Tennessee...

"You would be six if you had been born whole on your due date instead of in pieces on your death date. I would have a six-year-old! Were you a girl or a boy? It matters to me, but you are my child, and I will take that, because it's all I have. I miss you. We all miss you. Happy due date. I wish you were mine."

Those of you who are reading this blog. Would you stop for a moment and just take it all in? Would you take a moment to personalize this issue? Instead of envisioning a bloody little aborted corpse, would you see who my child really was so that you may feel for a moment who we have lost?

This is not just "an abortion". People so often depersonalize the situation and refer to it in terms of "my abortion". Tennessee is not "my abortion", s/he's my child. I did not gain an abortion; I lost a child. My child had a face, a body, a soul and a life. S/he probably looked something like her/his brother, something like this:



A person, a real person. God knows, I know. But the world? The world doesn't know. And if it does, it lies and says I've lost nothing but only gained my freedom. Look at me... in lead shackles, drowning in this grief. Do I seem free?

Would you stop for a moment, not to ponder abortion on its scale, so massive that it can only be rendered faceless to manage... but to take the time to consider my child, to ponder who it was that lay broken at the bottom of a bell jar, stolen from the world, stolen from our family, ruined out of ignorance and tremendous physical suffering.

Would you take a moment to feel our pain? Just a moment and no more. Will you send an invisible due date gift of prayer, floating on warm currents, upwards to heaven? Will you pray? Will you think? Will you feel?

Will you remember with me?

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 11:35 AM # ::
...

"My dear baby!

I am not able to imagine what you look like. Yes, I was not able to see you. If I had seen and hugged you, I would not have been able to send you away.

But I want to imagine how you look-your eyes, nose, mouth, hands, feet, head, everything. I sigh, and sigh again.

My heart can neither laugh nor cry. The song that I used to sing for you and the heart with which I used to wait for you, all those are worthless now without you. This time in which we cannot be together is nothing but painful for me. Just sitting here, missing you, my eyes fill with my tears without realizing it.

I cannot see nor touch you, my dear baby, so I call your name quietly in my heart. Although you are not here with me now, I miss you very much, my beautiful flower. You will always be loved in my heart. You are clearer than a lotus flower, brighter than morning dew, and prettier than a rose, my beautiful flower!

The first thing that I want to tell you is that I am sorry and that I love you. I would really like to see you. I wanted to raise you by my own hand and in my own bosom.

I am sorry!

Finally, I want you to be happy with your parents who will raise you better than I could. I hope and pray for you with folded hands."

Did you start out thinking that this was one of those "post-abortion healing" letters that women write to their aborted children? It could have been. I certainly could have said everything in this letter, as it is all true for me, particularly the eloquent "I call your name quietly in my heart". It describes my SICLE perfectly.

Near the end, when I was so sick, my love for my child was still strong enough that I really had to rationalize on every front to get through the abortion so I could get out of that illness. One of the rationalizations was that, on a spiritual level, I would simply be forwarding my child on to God. This was my understanding of the ultimate process. While it is true that my child did go on to God (Psalms 27:10), I had obviously simplified the concept of what was to occur. Thrusting my child into the giving hands of God entailed losing my child, and that is never an easy thing.

I Wish For You A Beautiful Life is a book of letters written by Korean birthmothers. It's where today's opening letter was found. Currently adoption is mostly open in America albeit with varying degrees of openness. A minority of birthmoms choose to have a closed adoption, which is the old school brand of true relinquishment where a bmom just doesn't know anything about the kid ever unless she gets that timid, anxious knock on her door thirty years later.

Adoption is the "old school" variety in Korea. Most of the adoptive parents lie to their adopted children so that hopefully the children (and others) will never find out they're adopted. In Korea it is a"bad" thing to be adopted, and adopted children are openly discriminated against. Some Korean bmoms seek international placement of their bchildren because they feel other countries are not as negatively biased and society will be kind. Also some bmoms feel that they will have a better chance of one day being reunited with their bchildren at some point in life, though they realize it will be many years later if at all.

In some small way I can relate to that feeling. My husband has assured me (as have other Christians) that I will be with my child again some day, but it fails to bring me the kind of comfort that I see others enjoying. For me, it is like the adoption situation. I feel that I gave my child up to another, much better Parent than I could ever have been. But the next time I see this child we will not simply pick up where we left off. We will meet, know one another, and, if it exists in heaven, perhaps even have some special bond. But it will not be what it would have been here. I will never get that back.

I am not suggesting that abortion and adoption are the same. In fact, one bmom told me that she would place a hundred more children before she would ever abort another one. Although I have never made an adoption plan for a child of mine I imagine that even though the loss would probably be terrible, it would be easier than knowing my child had been slaughtered alive like a pig. That's not love, and you want for your child to have love. You wish for your child a beautiful life.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 8:32 AM # ::
...

I took the anger test linked from my favorite blog in the whole wide world, and my computer caught on fire trying to calculate my high score. Needless to say, it made me really angry.
(snicker.)

:: ashli 1:32 PM # ::
...

Abortion abandons women. Even the ones that choose life.

A birthmother speaks in an excerpt from the book Be My Baby by Gail Kinn:

"When I told [the baby's father] that I wanted to have the child, his response was basically, 'It's your body. It's your decision,' though he was uncomfortable with it."

This birthmother made an appointment to abort her child, but she was told that in her state she would have to wait four weeks. She says:

"I knew I didn't really want to have [an abortion]. I'm not against abortion, but in [my child's] case I just had this intuition that he was meant to be."

I'm glad she didn't abort her child, but I couldn't help feeling a little pissed at the old hackneyed: "I support abortion, but I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING." Her child was "meant to be". Well, so much for the rest of our children. Evidently she and a significant number of the Christian movement are intent on believing that our kids, yours and mine, were destined to be food for industrial garbage disposals from day one. Either that is true or some people have the wrong idea about how God works. Guess which explanation I am inclined to believe.

The birthmother goes on, bless her SICLE-less soul:

"My mom's response was quite interesting. At first she said, 'Okay, I'm going to be a grandmother.' Several days later she said, 'No, I think you should have an abortion.'"

Bmom insists her child was meant to be, and so she presses on and delivers him. She becomes involved in a fully, massively open adoption where she and the now ex-boyfriend enjoy separate, regular visitation with the beautiful little boy. The adoptive parents enjoy this situation because their child benefits from maximizing the number of people who love him, and he will not harbour many of the fears, issues, and difficult questions that sometimes nag so many adoptees. It's a win-win situation, and truly seems to have liberated everyone involved, unlike abortion (which, again, the birthmother supports).

This chick lucked out, because even though she was repeatedly abandoned and led in the wrong direction, she had the inner strength to cry out: "Not MY child!" She claims abortion is good, but her actions show that it is not good enough for her. Nothing would please me more than if every woman adopted the philosophy that abortion was a "wonderful" thing that they wanted absolutely no part of.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 1:15 PM # ::
...

Saw a CD reference on Emily's blog. Has anyone heard of The Choice? It's supposed to be an "abortion recovery tool", but if you've been reading me for any length of time you know how I feel about that. However, the site provides clips, and they didn't sound half bad. Not like that old It's Gotta Stop! anti-abortion tape. My GOODNESS that thing is AWFUL! The songs are hokey and horrible. I think Pat Boone is on the thing talking like a child during one song, babbling on and on about his prenatal development. Something like:

"Today I am 3 weeks old. My heart is beating just for my Mommy whom I love and can't wait to put my arms around." At the end of the song, of course, his mother kills him in an abortion. It's a stupid, low quality musical compilation, but it does a good job of ripping a SICLE mom's heart out.

Lots of people (see: "people who identify themselves as Christians") think that if a song like that causes you to cry it's a big success because the tears are somehow "healing". Anything that breaks your heart and makes you focus on the FACT (and sadly, it is a fact) that you killed your child brings you closer to that ever elusive "healing". I'm not sure I agree, and so I am leery of pretty much anything "post-abortion", especially musical endeavors, because music has an eerie way of unlocking internal doors that speech just can't for some.

However, I do feel there's a place for music about the SICLE. I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's With Hope on the radio the other day, and as we say in the South: I like to have fell out. Translation: I nearly lost all composure. It was so much about what my husband and I went through losing our first child. But there were things that didn't fit. It is evident that the song's parents are blameless, and this is not the death of an unborn child whose face they have never really seen. Yet in this song, for me at least, is a child that two parents welcomed into the world. There is absolutely no controversy or debate over the "wantedness" of the child. This is a normal, healthy relationship, a dearly loved child, and the terrible loss of a family's hopes and dreams for their child. This comes closer to our situation than anything on the horrible "It's Gotta Stop" recording.

I don't know about these new SICLE CD's. I haven't purchased them, so I haven't been able to really give them a fair review. Part of me is really unmotivated to do so, because they seem to deal with all the typical controversy surrounding abortion.

This type of effort, like the others, I imagine is a schooling on unplanned pregnancies where the child is not wanted or acknowledged as real or important by at least some parties involved. It's an investigation of guilt and not really of the grief related to a married couple losing the child they wanted so much to raise. It says nothing of maternal illness and how to survive physical torture and horrible, neglectful physicians. It only talks of social choices, having a heart, of being forgiven and set free from guilt.

It's all rather impersonal to me. Aside from killing my child, I have very little in common with the vast majority of other SICLE moms, and these are the moms these CD's are produced for. This isn't commentary on class, because that is a fallacy. No one is "better" than anyone else on the playing field of moms with SICLES. Good reasons don't kill children any less. No, it is only to say, I can't relate to much of the post-abortion "healing" efforts. It alienates and isolates me further and that is all.

Maybe I will break down one day and give some of these new SICLE CD's a listen. Still, I imagine that, as with the Steven Curtis Chapman song, while I can feel it on some important levels, it won't really be a good fit for me, a mom with a maternal health SICLE.

And as I sit typing this, a small bird flies into the picture window 3 feet from my face and breaks his delicate, little neck. Life is very fragile indeed. Just one more reminder, one more way to start the day.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:23 AM # ::
...

CNN article says the Democratic Party is a big ol' hypocritical liar that is full of "baloney, B.S. and worse" for espousing its proud cause of tolerance. The Democratic Party platform recognizes that some of its members do not support abortion and views this not as a weakness but a strength.

When the Democrats for Life wanted to add their link to 261 other links (including the Jerusalem Post and American Legion) on the Democratic National Party website, they were told,

"I do not think it would be appropriate to use official party resources such as the DNC website on behalf of organizations whose purpose is to reverse the current platform and/or to enact legislation that contradicts that platform."

All of a sudden that bit about "strength" in diversity seems pretty weak.

Not only is the Democratic Party deceptive on its stance on the "all-important" tolerance issue, but the party seems to be out of touch with America whose majority (51%) of nationally polled citizens believe abortion should be illegal except in cases of incest and rape or illegal in all cases. Even in abortion-happy California, a paper as liberal as the Los Angeles Times took a poll that found 57% of respondents felt that abortion was murder. How did women feel in particular? 61% of them said abortion was murder.

The whole issue is exasperating. Disembowelling a child, no matter what their size or location, is disembowelling a child. Biology and science. Fact, not "politics" or "belief", has already won this argument. It just goes to show that people have learned very little about the value of humanity even after weathering such things as slavery and the Jewish holocaust. Black folks and Jewish folks ASTOUND me, by the way, when they support abortion, yet these are two groups that are typically associated with the Democratic Party. It is frustrating madness.

I have a friend whose child was almost killed in a termination because of hyperemesis gravidarum. This person is a raving Democrat. During the presidential election we had a falling out, because of my intolerance. I couldn't stand that she would support the thing that killed my child when, because of my loss, I supported her through an entire pregnancy which saved her child's life. I didn't support abortion and so her child lived. She, a former Planned Parenthood employee, never had the opportunity to experience a SICLE because a "pro-lifer" supplied her with positive options... and she came out on the other side supporting abortion as strongly as ever. You have to be very mature to handle something like that, and OH, but I was not that mature... and even thinking of it now starts to boil my blood.

Her big thing during all of that was how wrong and horrible I was for being "intolerant" of other peoples' political views. Destroying children was OK, but being intolerant was a crime. I felt she should have had a little more sensitivity with regards to my loss and how it felt to hear her, HER, support abortion with the stupid unresearched soundbites used by most ignorant abortion supporters. But tolerance, not sensitivity is the Democratic virtue, and besides, how could she even imagine without ever losing a child that way? I worked my arse off to make sure she would never know that pain. She still casts her vote to make sure other women get to. I can't tell you how it makes me feel!

Back to the duality of the Democrat...
This friend had been a suicide hotline counselor at one point, and a man called and said he had just raped a woman and felt like killing himself. My friend, having suffered terribly due to being raped, told him he was a bastard and that he should hang up and go kill himself immediately. While demanding absolute tolerance from everyone else, she had very little tolerance for her rapist client, but that's a Democrat for you.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:33 AM # ::
...

My little boy, who does not know what abortion is and has not been privy to abortion images or tools of the trade, woke up wailing in the night. "What's wrong?! What's wrong?!" I asked. He couldn't speak for crying. I held him and told him it was alright and that "Mommy is here". After he calmed down enough to speak I discovered he'd had a bad dream. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he nodded.

"The machine!" he wimpered. "It was after me."

"What machine?" I asked.

Frustrated he snapped, "The machine with the blood tube!"

"What did it look like?" I wanted to know.

Slowly he explained, "It's a machine with a tube on it and there's blood in the tube. It was chasing me and I said, 'I'm too young to die!'"

I nearly fainted.

I know it's just some stupid nightmare. It can't be about abortion. He doesn't know about abortion. But imagine what I'm sitting there thinking, holding my crying son in a dark room as he wails in terror about a machine with a blood tube and being too young to die.

For a moment I find myself thinking: "I'm not."

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:03 AM # ::
...

An excerpt from an email last week (with permission):

"So my ex-boyfriend, father of my dead child, now roommate, has told me that I need to move on with my life. He is sick of seeing me cry. He says that I am isolating myself and slowly but surely killing myself and he wants me to "Just get over it." I hate him for saying that! I wish I could be the one to come home and see him curled up in a little ball on the bed sobbing. But no, that hasn't ever and will never happen. It seems like things are getting worse now. My doctor has me on anti-depressants, and I am seeing a therapist but nothing changes. I just wonder what I am doing. Can I really spend the rest of my life feeling like this? I don't feel like I am living; I feel like I am barely surviving. And i am so sick of living this facade when all I want to do is just scream. How can I be expected to move on? I wish I could, but I can't. It's not a choice. I feel what I feel and that's just the way it is. How can I make him understand what this pain is like?"

Here was my reply:

"I am sorry that you are experiencing such grief, but I can certainly understand it. I have suffered every single day for the last seven years, and I am married, so my husband has had to deal with a lot of things he doesn't want to deal with too. He wants everything to be ok now. He wants everything to be "over", but it's never going to be "over" is it? Not for me. I was the one who carried the child, I was the one who saw the images of the room I was in, I saw the belljar. I was the one who was raped by the abortionist's instruments, I am the one with the increased risk of breast cancer and the incompetent cervix from the abortion. I am the one who lived the nightmare and submitted my body to the killing of my child while my husband, who has never carried a child, sat in a waiting room watching TV.

I hate to tell you this, but you must know now that a man will NEVER understand. There is nothing in the world you can say to him, and he will only hate you for trying to make him understand something that he does not WANT to understand. He does not WANT to be in your shoes or feel the pain you feel. He just wants everything to be simple, uncomplicated and "OK". You must accept that there is nothing you can do to make him understand or even accept your grief. And I really HATE to say this, but, imho, if he couldn't give you enough emotional support to help you HAVE your child, then I don't think there's much chance of him supporting you through your grief over the death of the child. It's sad and pathetic, but there you have it.

I understand, God understands, I'm praying for you, and you are not alone."

I love men. I have a son who will grow up to be one, God willing. But as much as I love my husband and my son, neither one of them will ever understand what it is like to carry a child or what it is like to lie spread-eagle in stirrups giving your child's life away. Even SICLE-less women who have carried children don't understand.

Norma McCorvey once climbed up on an abortionist's table in the clinic she worked at. It was after hours and she hiked up her clothed legs and stuck her feet in the stirrups imagining what it must have been like for all us poor schmucks. It freaked her out and she started shaking and bawling her head off. One moment for her, the rest of our lives for us.

She made the comment recently that by filing her motion to overturn Roe v. Wade "we" were "getting our children back". Now don't get me wrong... I love how she has changed and what she is doing for women and children everywhere, but her statement just goes to show how little SICLE-less people understand abortion. First, she never aborted a child. Second, if abortion became unthinkable to every individual on the face of the planet it would be just peachy, but none of us would ever get our children back.

(Understand?)

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 4:35 PM # ::
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NARAL is trying to revoke a woman's right to choose. They and other abortion promoting groups are involved in the business of forcing doctors, male and female, to perform abortion procedures in hospitals whether they like it or not. Right now 86% of hospitals choose not participate in the mutilating death of America's youngest citizens via abortion. NARAL, along with the support of other "pro-choice" groups, seeks to abolish that choice.

One physician said, "The people who want to advance the [abortion] agenda have gotten courts to interpret that hospitals are not health care entities." It's not surprising when the same groups convinced the nation's highest court that children were not people.

*Tell the no-choicers to go to hell. Contact your senators and urge strong support for the Abortion Non-Discrimination Act, (S. 1397). You can reach your senators at 202-224-3121 or find specific contact information at http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:02 AM # ::
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I'm behind on my blogging. (You can thank me later.) I meant to blog about this but didn't, so here's yesterday's news for you:

The liberal media says pro-life, politicians have been taking advantage of and exploiting Laci's grieving family by renaming the Unborn Victims of Violence Act "Laci and Conner's Law" as Laci's mom requested. Laci's mom responded to the twisted claims by very politely telling the liberal media to go to hell.

I admit I enjoyed a delightful moment of uncontrollable snickering.

After abortion has a really interesting article up (July 15) about the psychology of depression and the Venus and Mars effect. It appears stress can negatively affect a woman's memory. Hmmm...

Losing my child in an abortion was (and is) highly stressful to me, and I have had a terrible time with my memory ever since. I can remember everything about the abortion in unusual, painstaking detail, yet we have had to implement certain procedures around the house due to my altered ability to remember things. It really started after the abortion, and now I feel I am perhaps closer to knowing why.

So, campers, not only did I lose my child in an abortion, it seems I also lost my mind.
I don't remember that being in the brochure...

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 5:12 PM # ::
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"Pro-choice" Organizations

I found the above image while reading the book: What Your Kindergartner Needs to Know. The artist is Gail McIntosh. In the book the rendering was used to illustrate a nursery rhyme:

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
When she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad, she was horrid.

I thought the image and even the nursery rhyme were perfect illustrations for organizations like Planned Parenthood, NARAL, NOW, etc.

Robert Louis Stevenson's "Time to Rise" can be easily adapted to illustrate the same organizations:

Time to Wake Up

A birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon the window-sill.
I lured her in with crumbs of bread
And then bashed in her little head.

But this is all child's play, and God knows "pro-choice" organizations don't want any of that.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 8:35 AM # ::
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I followed this link over at Emily's After abortion blog and had a good eye-rolling.

The newspaper article claims that Roe aborted a child (she didn't), that legal abortion is fortunate for "all American women" (it isn't), that "one uses one's best judgement and moves on" ("one" doesn't), and that abortion is a gain (it isn't).

I couldn't help myself. I wrote the editor:

"Norma McCorvey never lost a child in an abortion, and it is wrong of you to report that she did and now regrets her "choice".

The editorial claims that it is fortunate for "all American women" that McCorvey's rule 60 request was disregarded by a federal district court. Firstly, I am an American woman, and I don't appreciate the author speaking for me; I can speak for myself. I HAVE lost a child in a SECOND TRIMESTER abortion, and it's cruel and unrealistic to expect a woman to just "move on" as your author suggests. I suffered permanent physical and emotional damage, and abortion significantly increased my risk of breast cancer. At 32 years of age I have to receive breast exams annually for the rest of my life; I may ultimately die from abortion. Other American women have been killed by legal abortion more immediately. How "fortunate" is that for "all American women"? Thanks for showing how utterly insensitive your paper is about "the most difficult 'choice' in a woman's life".

An author who writes an editorial that talks about Roe's abortion clearly has done no research and has no business making commentary on what constitutes "common sense". It's laughable. And while the author claims that most Americans support abortion, what is not elucidated is that most WOMEN oppose it.

On a personal note, abortion is not a "gain" as the editorial opines. At least 93% of abortions are performed for social reasons (i.e., not for medical reasons). That people regard killing a growing child as an acceptable (and even celebrated) method of gaining other things only shows how unevolved and barbaric people still are.

If your paper can't bring itself to care for children then try caring at least for women. And if you folks can't make that stretch then at least do a little research for your articles, tell the truth from now on, and stop embarrassing yourselves."

In hindsight I suppose they can always zing back:
"So, Norma didn't lose a child in abortion? Who ever said she did? We said she 'had' an abortion, and that, as you, an American woman, should know, does not involve losing a child."


SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 7:36 AM # ::
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Here's a note from the sidewalk counselor who has been on a well-deserved vaction but will contribute more to this blog in the future:

"Tonight I was given a terrible reminder of just how bad things are back where death never takes a holiday. At Orlando Women's Center LATE abortions are routine. For a price, the abortionists there will facilitate the slow and painful death of any child in the womb. Mothers hand their bodies over to these wicked men so they can remove the child that grows in their womb. Although ALL abortions are a crime against humanity, the late abortions are particularly abhorrent. At Orlando Women's Center, Thursdays are the late abortion day. Babies all the way to the end of pregnancy are "terminated". On average we sidewalk counselors see anywhere from 3-12 women having second and third trimester abortions (17 weeks and beyond) walking into OWC with the pillows and blankets they'll need to spend the night laboring and delivering their aborted babies. I just received the shocking news:

21 LATE ABORTIONS WERE PERFORMED AT ORLANDO WOMEN'S CENTER ON THURSDAY, JULY 9th!

This means that 21 women labored anywhere from 6-36 hours inside 1103 Lucerne Terrace. One by one these 21 women delivered each of their infants and abandoned them to the clinic staff (medical assistants) who guided the deliveries. Some of the infants survived the abortion and were left to drown in the toilets. Stericycle arrives this week to pick up the bodies as hazardous waste.

Right now there is only one who stands for women and children on the sidewalk at Orlando Women's Center on Thursday mornings. That is simply NOT ENOUGH to reach 21 abortion-bound women and their children. Since each woman brings a companion, the advocate had to try and engage at least 42 people all by himself on Thursday morning. Won't you please set aside time this summer to be a witness too?

Saturdays are the biggest abortion day of the week. Dozens of women and their companions wait for the clinic door to open at 7 AM. If you live in Orlando, Florida, won't you please get up early tomorrow and be there with the other sidewalk counselors to pray and when the time is right, to speak?

Since it is so hard to find AND KEEP volunteers, I am asking you to consider going to Orlando Women's Center abortion clinic JUST ONCE. That's all I'm asking . . . come JUST ONCE. See for yourself what is happening in Orlando and let it move you to make a difference for LIFE.

Also an abortion clinic worker needs your help and prayers!
"Kasha" is a young, single mom who attends a local church.
She wants very much to leave the abortion business. Kasha's desire is to take a Surgical Tech night course (5:45-10pm) over the coming year. This requires an enormous sacrifice of time and energy, both of which are always in short supply for a single mother. Will you please pray for Kasha's needs?
** A decent job: FULL OR PART TIME: IMMEDIATELY
** Perhaps a live-in position (housekeeper/nanny/cook?) that would allow Kasha to work only PART-TIME so that she can devote herself to her 2 year old son AND keep up with her studies.
**If you would like to give financially to help Kasha complete her Surgical Tech course, let me know. I can set up a fund to help this young mother to better herself, preparing for a bright future for her son.
Thank You.
Patte"

Remember, this woman aborted a child too. She's "allowed" to say it's a crime without offending you, because she's been there and is judging abortion-not you. Orlando Women's Center is where my child died, and I can attest to the fact that they do bring pillows in on second trimester day which is, as she says, on Thursdays. I remember one VERY pregnant woman there. She had her pillow, and I just couldn't believe how pregnant she was. I was crying hysterically, and she came up to me and handed me a little pocketbook pack of tissues and said, "I thought I was going to need these, but you need them more than I do." I took the tissues and just cried and cried for my child, for hers... for everyone sitting there. No one was crying but me, and here you had this woman with her gigantic belly preparing to birth this child out all night long. It was completely surreal, and I thought, "What am I doing here? What in the HELL am I doing here?!?" But I was just lost at that point and running from the hyperemesis with nowhere to go I thought.

Surreal. A few months earlier I was so happy celebrating the news of our baby, bragging to everyone who would hear. And yet there I was, a deranged animal, a puking mess serving up hot death in stainless stirrups. The black death in that building was oppressive and you could feel it. There was no oxygen in the place. We were like wide-eyed sturgeon flopping around on a bloody boat deck trying desperately to catch just one breath, one last moment of survival.

The sidewalk counselor is not exaggerating about the toilets. She has connections with people who quit and once free many try to purge themselves of the horror of what goes on behind closed clinic doors. I heard one of them talk and it was appalling. Live births occur more than you know, and there are descriptions of tiny babies mewing softly from the freezer as they die. But this is nothing new. Go and read nurse Jill Stanek's description of what was going on at her hospital (Christ Hospital), and sleep tonight if you can.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 10:00 PM # ::
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INSANITY IN FLORIDA.

PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT FLORIDA DOESN'T GIVE A RAT'S BUTT ABOUT WOMEN, OUR SUPREME COURT HAS ABOLISHED THE PARENTAL NOTIFICATION LAW. IT WASN'T A CONSENT LAW, MIND YOU, JUST A NOTIFICATION LAW.

HERE ARE THE ARGUMENTS.
HERE'S A REAL CASE.
AND PUH-LEASE DON'T COUNTER WITH THE BECKY BELL CASE, BECAUSE I THINK WE'VE ALL READ THE AUTOPSY REPORT BY NOW AND KNOW BETTER.

SUSAN B. ANTHONY AND OTHER FEMINIST FOREMOTHERS ARE ROLLING IN THEIR GRAVES YET AGAIN.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 8:31 AM # ::
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WARNING: GRAPHIC PICTURES IN TODAY'S BLOG.

Ah, the arrogant ignorance of the erudite...

The guy who co-discovered DNA says he would have aborted his son if he had known of his severe epilepsy before birth. The scientist explains that he's not a bad guy and that "Any time you can prevent a seriously sick child from being born, it is good for everyone."

Without debating how "good" it is for the child being killed, I would like to point out that the scientist, never having aborted a child, does not know the pain of losing a child in an abortion.

How good is it for a father to live with his child's blood on his hands? How good is it for a husband to live with a wounded wife who just can't seem to "get over it"? How good is it for a wife to suffer such lingering heartache along with an inflated risk of breast cancer? How good is it to lose a breast or to die from cancer? How good is abortion for the scientist's child, his wife or himself? How good is it for everyone?

People for whom abortion is just a concept and not a reality shouldn't make commentary on how "good" an alternative it is to anything.

ABORTION:


"good for him"


"good for her"


"good for them"

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:03 AM # ::
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Pampered Chef has stopped contributing to the deaths of millions of American children.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 6:42 PM # ::
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Someone sent me a link to yet another "wrongful birth" article. What I read in said article only confirms that if people don't get the help they need they will sell out and take it at any price. (And I should know, baby.)

The child, Jade, is 8 years old and remarkably differently abled. Her mental functioning is profoundly retarded, she can't walk or see or eat (she lives off of alternative nutrition via a g-button), and her daddy says he rushes home from work to see her because she's his "heart". Jade's mama says, "She's the best thing that could have ever happened to us."

Yet these loving parents have been arguing in court that the child they describe as their "foundation", their "rock" should have never been born. Doctors should have somehow detected these health conditions before birth, because Jade's mama and daddy would have aborted her.

The parents' slimy lawyer (who justifies his sliminess by noting only positive byproducts) says the doctor didn't allow the parents the choice to abort. He slithers, "The doctor caused the birth of this very, very neurologically impaired child."

Preposterous, yet if it is so, the parents should be throwing the doctor an appreciation party for preventing them from destroying "the best thing that could have ever happened" to them.

The article talks about the difficulty in reviewing sonograms and bolsters the case that they should not be used alone to diagnose conditions. The sonogram of one child raised eyebrows, and physicians noted that there might be problems with the baby. However, what the sonogram was showing was a little Rapunzel with tons of hair. Think about that. Doctors sit down and have "the talk" with the parents: "We've found something that could potentially be devastating to your child's health and your family. You have the right to abort. In fact, we can schedule it today." I've had "the talk". It's scary. Many parents might run screaming towards abortion out of utter fear of the unknown. And then you'd have a child aborted over an in-utero coiff. Talk about a bad hair day.

But what about the cases when something is actually awry? A little boy named Ryan has spinabifida that paralyzes him from the waist down. He makes straight A's at his CATHOLIC school and is a "normal" kid in every other way, but the article says Mommy sued her OB because she would have aborted him had she known he would not be able to walk. Holy crap. What's Ryan, the straight-A "brain", going to think when he finds out? Time has a way of revealing things; of course he'll find out. What's Mom going to say? Her only possible explanation: "I did it for the money." Well that's a good lesson to teach your kid: "I sold your existence out in court so I could snag some loot."

John Cougar Mellencamp's mom could have gone to court and made a few bucks off of his spina bifida. Just imagine... if doctors had caught the condition on a sonogram and had "the talk" with his folks, I wonder if we ever would have heard that little ditty 'bout Jack and Diane. (About half of all children with spina bifida are aborted.)

All differently abled kids don't go on to make millions as rock stars. In fact the care of a differently abled child can be financially exhausting. Jade's mom and dad made $1.2 million arguing that she should have been extinguished in an abortion. They used the money to buy a van with a wheelchair lift and now have the funds to hire nurses to help. These are things the parents should have already had.

Horrible Hillary Clinton says it takes a village to raise a child. If that is so, then it takes a nation to raise a differently abled child. Parents need support, not abortion. If a loving society supplies a mom and dad with a lift van and some weekly outside medical assistance, and if this prevents a father from losing his "heart" in an abortion, then by God it is a miniscule price for humanity to pay.

As it is, our society will help you put your differently abled child in a bell jar before we'll help you put her in a van. Parents are stooping dangerously low to get what they need, and it's a sad, sad state of affairs.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 10:56 AM # ::
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Yesterday morning I got an email from a friend who KNOWS the Bible. She proceeded to berate me regarding my "flawed" belief in free will. Her viewpoint is that every child that dies in an abortion does so because God ordains it. At the first spark of life, my child was destined by God, she says, to die at 15 weeks in an abortion. God gave me HG, she says. It was His will for my destiny.

I told her that life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans, that it rains on us all no matter who we are. I told her that abortion was not God's choice, but my choice. She said God would have saved my child if He had wanted him/her to live. Hmmm... so God didn't want my child to live; God wanted my child to die in a sanguine death at the hands of his/her mother. Hmmm...

I told her I absolutely rejected the idea. It was me. I did it. It was clear, even then, that it was not God's will.

She said she didn't know what was going on in my church if I believed that. She said she wanted to call my preacher and ask him what in the world he was preaching.

Some people get HG. I was one of them. God says (in the Bible) that kids are gifts and miracles and not to kill, but He doesn't prevent you from screwing your life (or someone else's life) up. It's His rule; He set it. She said, "The god you speak of is powerless against the will of man." She mired herself in the business of Biblical combat and started flinging verses at me to disprove my theory that God lets us get into the trouble we choose. "We sin," I argued. "We make choices, and He doesn't save us from them." Zinging back she says, "Praise God, He does! That's why He sent His Son." She's less interested in hearing me than she is in "educating" and winning. "Winning souls" she might say. "Winning period" I'd say.

At any rate, she has completely alienated me, and due to her lack of sensitivity, I really have no desire to explore her point of view. Her emails will go unanswered, because it's just not healthy for me to hear that God is the world's number one abortion provider. If He is, then let Him tell me. If He wanted my child to die that way, I will not understand, and it will hurt, but let Him reveal it. If that's the way it works, "Though He slay me yet will I trust Him." (Job 13:15a) But let my "friend", a person without a SICLE, shut her yammering pie hole until then.

And if this wasn't a good enough way to start yesterday off, I shortly thereafter heard from a dear friend who practices the Mel Gibson method of birth control: none. She has a child per year and will have three in diapers at the same time. I say "will have" because she called me (about five minutes after the email from hell) to place an organic dairy order (I'm part of a co-op) and to inform me that she was pregnant AGAIN. She now has five children, and with the four already born, there were no pregnancy problems whatsoever. Hers were all BEAUTIFUL pregnancies, and the babies were all born at hippy home to boot. Now I ask you... what the hell is that, people?!

What is it like to be pregnant and to walk around? Can someone please tell me? Because I had three hellacious pregnancies: one that turned me into an animal and made me kill my own child at fifteen weeks, one that ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks (on Christmas for cryin' out loud) after 4 weeks of being bedridden from puking my friggin brains out with HG... and finally the last pregnancy where I was confined to my bed for TWENTY-EIGHT WEEKS (that's 7 months) with HG and an incompetent cervix from a second trimester abortion! GOD FORGIVES BUT MY CERVIX DOESN'T. (Someone please put that on a tshirt and mail it to me.)

"I'm pregnant."
Of course there's something of a long pause on the line while I'm sucking wind trying to force air back into lungs that have had it knocked out of them. "Congratulations," I say and, "I have to go now." My pregnant friend is crying because she knows, she loves me, and she is sorry for my pain. I tell her it is good to know that God blesses some people the way He has blessed her, and I will praise Him for that.

Some days are tougher than others.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 10:31 AM # ::
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With the exception of having a name ready by the time you find out you're pregnant, I agree with ALL of this with much enthusiasm. The only reason I don't entirely agree with the name thing is that some babies are a wonderful surprise and it may take a while to come up with a name. Maybe immediately coming up with a name (that you won't change) is great for the culture of life, but it's darned impractical for some parents. I think it would be OK to list considered names. That in itself shows the child is being deliberated over and it reaffirms the reality of the child's existence.

This brings up the subject of naming aborted children. All of my children were named while living, but I would think that naming a child after death would be comforting to any mother. And while there's something sad about a child who never even receives a name, I think it must be pretty inconsequential in heaven. God probably picks out His own name for everyone the moment each individual is animated anyway. Of course this is speculation, but I honestly don't think a soul is at perpetual unrest because a mother never bestowed a name. I think the comfort of naming belongs mostly to those who have lost a child they care about.

How to name an unborn child after death...

I have talked with moms who have assigned a sex to deceased children whose sex is actually unknown. With this assignment usually comes a gender-specific name. On a movement level (and a reality level), I'm not sure I agree with this. My opinion is going to hurt and piss some of you off, but be assured that's not my purpose at all. Everyone has an opinion and this is just mine.

I know some are "SURE" they know what sex their child was. They claim they can just "feel" it or they "just know". I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my third and only child to make it out alive. I "knew" the baby was a girl. When we had a sonogram and the technician saw the sex, she asked us if we wanted to know. I said, "Nah, you don't have to tell me. I know, in the very marrow of my bones... I KNOW she's a girl." The technician replied, "Well, your daughter has a penis."

To say we know the sex of our lost unborn children is not necessarily realistic. With a 50/50 chance, some people surely must guess correctly, however, realistically, and sadly, we can never be certain. That's part of the suckiness of abortion: you never get to know ANYTHING about your child.

So, to avoid being unrealistic, my opinion is that we should name our children, but we should not assign a sex. There are many stunning names that would work for a boy or a girl: Terry, Jo, Tracy, Dade, Perry... things of that nature. Choosing names like this will show that our thoughts are grounded in reality, and the names will always be appropriate for our children.

Some moms aborted boys whom they have named "Penelope" and refer to as their daughters. I don't want to say it's silly, but I don't advise it. Critics of women who care about and acknowledge children lost in abortion already say we are unrealistic, possessing immature, hysterical personalities. I don't think we should give them any ammunition to turn around and use against us. I also think there's just something healthy about facing the truth that we will never know even the sex of our wee ones even if that serves as a source of pain. But I realize my nature is to pick pain over delusion any day. Perhaps it's not for everyone.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 10:19 AM # ::
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