:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Tuesday, July 01, 2003 ::

With the exception of having a name ready by the time you find out you're pregnant, I agree with ALL of this with much enthusiasm. The only reason I don't entirely agree with the name thing is that some babies are a wonderful surprise and it may take a while to come up with a name. Maybe immediately coming up with a name (that you won't change) is great for the culture of life, but it's darned impractical for some parents. I think it would be OK to list considered names. That in itself shows the child is being deliberated over and it reaffirms the reality of the child's existence.

This brings up the subject of naming aborted children. All of my children were named while living, but I would think that naming a child after death would be comforting to any mother. And while there's something sad about a child who never even receives a name, I think it must be pretty inconsequential in heaven. God probably picks out His own name for everyone the moment each individual is animated anyway. Of course this is speculation, but I honestly don't think a soul is at perpetual unrest because a mother never bestowed a name. I think the comfort of naming belongs mostly to those who have lost a child they care about.

How to name an unborn child after death...

I have talked with moms who have assigned a sex to deceased children whose sex is actually unknown. With this assignment usually comes a gender-specific name. On a movement level (and a reality level), I'm not sure I agree with this. My opinion is going to hurt and piss some of you off, but be assured that's not my purpose at all. Everyone has an opinion and this is just mine.

I know some are "SURE" they know what sex their child was. They claim they can just "feel" it or they "just know". I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my third and only child to make it out alive. I "knew" the baby was a girl. When we had a sonogram and the technician saw the sex, she asked us if we wanted to know. I said, "Nah, you don't have to tell me. I know, in the very marrow of my bones... I KNOW she's a girl." The technician replied, "Well, your daughter has a penis."

To say we know the sex of our lost unborn children is not necessarily realistic. With a 50/50 chance, some people surely must guess correctly, however, realistically, and sadly, we can never be certain. That's part of the suckiness of abortion: you never get to know ANYTHING about your child.

So, to avoid being unrealistic, my opinion is that we should name our children, but we should not assign a sex. There are many stunning names that would work for a boy or a girl: Terry, Jo, Tracy, Dade, Perry... things of that nature. Choosing names like this will show that our thoughts are grounded in reality, and the names will always be appropriate for our children.

Some moms aborted boys whom they have named "Penelope" and refer to as their daughters. I don't want to say it's silly, but I don't advise it. Critics of women who care about and acknowledge children lost in abortion already say we are unrealistic, possessing immature, hysterical personalities. I don't think we should give them any ammunition to turn around and use against us. I also think there's just something healthy about facing the truth that we will never know even the sex of our wee ones even if that serves as a source of pain. But I realize my nature is to pick pain over delusion any day. Perhaps it's not for everyone.


:: ashli 10:19 AM # ::

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