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my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Saturday, July 19, 2003 ::

An excerpt from an email last week (with permission):

"So my ex-boyfriend, father of my dead child, now roommate, has told me that I need to move on with my life. He is sick of seeing me cry. He says that I am isolating myself and slowly but surely killing myself and he wants me to "Just get over it." I hate him for saying that! I wish I could be the one to come home and see him curled up in a little ball on the bed sobbing. But no, that hasn't ever and will never happen. It seems like things are getting worse now. My doctor has me on anti-depressants, and I am seeing a therapist but nothing changes. I just wonder what I am doing. Can I really spend the rest of my life feeling like this? I don't feel like I am living; I feel like I am barely surviving. And i am so sick of living this facade when all I want to do is just scream. How can I be expected to move on? I wish I could, but I can't. It's not a choice. I feel what I feel and that's just the way it is. How can I make him understand what this pain is like?"

Here was my reply:

"I am sorry that you are experiencing such grief, but I can certainly understand it. I have suffered every single day for the last seven years, and I am married, so my husband has had to deal with a lot of things he doesn't want to deal with too. He wants everything to be ok now. He wants everything to be "over", but it's never going to be "over" is it? Not for me. I was the one who carried the child, I was the one who saw the images of the room I was in, I saw the belljar. I was the one who was raped by the abortionist's instruments, I am the one with the increased risk of breast cancer and the incompetent cervix from the abortion. I am the one who lived the nightmare and submitted my body to the killing of my child while my husband, who has never carried a child, sat in a waiting room watching TV.

I hate to tell you this, but you must know now that a man will NEVER understand. There is nothing in the world you can say to him, and he will only hate you for trying to make him understand something that he does not WANT to understand. He does not WANT to be in your shoes or feel the pain you feel. He just wants everything to be simple, uncomplicated and "OK". You must accept that there is nothing you can do to make him understand or even accept your grief. And I really HATE to say this, but, imho, if he couldn't give you enough emotional support to help you HAVE your child, then I don't think there's much chance of him supporting you through your grief over the death of the child. It's sad and pathetic, but there you have it.

I understand, God understands, I'm praying for you, and you are not alone."

I love men. I have a son who will grow up to be one, God willing. But as much as I love my husband and my son, neither one of them will ever understand what it is like to carry a child or what it is like to lie spread-eagle in stirrups giving your child's life away. Even SICLE-less women who have carried children don't understand.

Norma McCorvey once climbed up on an abortionist's table in the clinic she worked at. It was after hours and she hiked up her clothed legs and stuck her feet in the stirrups imagining what it must have been like for all us poor schmucks. It freaked her out and she started shaking and bawling her head off. One moment for her, the rest of our lives for us.

She made the comment recently that by filing her motion to overturn Roe v. Wade "we" were "getting our children back". Now don't get me wrong... I love how she has changed and what she is doing for women and children everywhere, but her statement just goes to show how little SICLE-less people understand abortion. First, she never aborted a child. Second, if abortion became unthinkable to every individual on the face of the planet it would be just peachy, but none of us would ever get our children back.



:: ashli 4:35 PM # ::

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