:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Tuesday, May 31, 2005 ::

Don't forget to watch "Building Babies" tonight on Discovery Health.

:: ashli 10:05 AM # ::
"Keep movin', movin', movin',
Though they're disapprovin',
Keep them dogies movin', rawhide.
Don't try to understand 'em,
Just rope 'em, throw, and brand 'em.
Soon we'll be livin' high and wide.
My heart's calculatin',
My true love will be waitin',
Be waitin' at the end of my ride.

Move 'em on, head 'em up,
Head 'em up, move 'em on,
Move 'em on, head 'em up, rawhide!
Head 'em out, ride 'em in,
Ride 'em in, let 'em out,
Cut 'em out, ride 'em in, rawhide!"

:: ashli 9:42 AM # ::
Poignant, fascinating, keenly observed "reams on aborted motherhood".

:: ashli 9:33 AM # ::
The royal scam continues to receive its new millennium makeover.

:: ashli 9:21 AM # ::
Warning: Microscopic graphicness.

Planned Parenthood's New T-Shirt

Truth in advertising. (Fun in photo editing!)

:: ashli 7:34 AM # ::
:: Monday, May 30, 2005 ::
I forgot to mention...

While you are watching "Building Babies" on the Discovery Health channel, you may notice a nauseating commercial (for a pregnancy test) which claims that there is such a thing as being "a little bit pregnant". This is news to me.

I went to funeral college and worked for a funeral home for a few years and no matter how freshly-deceased a gal was, I don't recall anyone ever referring to her as being "a little bit dead".

Once you're dead, you're dead, and here's a teeny tiny news flash for advertisers everywhere: once you're pregnant, you might be "a little bit wigged out", but you're full-blown pregnant, Mama.

:: ashli 12:32 PM # ::
I am back from vacation and sick with the muppet flu, the Jim Henson, i'mgonnadie variety. Well, ok, that's hyperbole, but still... it's extra sucky. And of course I over-do everything because I have this tremendous HG reference in light of which all of my other ailments seem "piddly".

It usually goes something like this:

"I've a fever of 103? Well, heck, it's not like it's HG! Of course I can unload and put up a week's worth of vacation items for four people while doing 47 loads of laundry!"

And then I'm twisting the sheets, sweating buckets, and seeing dead relatives all night long.

Anyway, I'm home.

Hey, do you remember the island coffee bar with Internet access? Well, they had this teeny, tiny sign (that I didn't initially see) saying I had to pay them $14 for using the computer for an hour (even though I bought an $8 meal). D'oh! Turned out to be an expensive lunch, but well worth it, as I "accidentally" left the After abortion blog up on the screen. "Oopsie."

Hey, do you remember the Cider House Rules video I found in the beach house? The one that reeeally irked me? Well, I couldn't destroy it, because that would be wrong. I couldn't conveniently "lose" it, because that also would be wrong. What, what, what could I do to combat the eeee-ville of such a slick Hollywood promotional effort for abortion? What could I do that could be positive in the life of the next person to come across that block of plastic garbage? Not much. But I did whip out an FFL flyer, fold it in half, and slide it up inside the video case.

So the next person who quips, "Look, honey! They have Cider House Rules, that heartwarming tale of an orphanage-slash-abortion facility in which one of the orphans, who is glad to be alive, sees the error of his abortion-opposing ways and uses his knowledge and talents to step into the abortionist shoes of his mortally drug-addicted predecessor!"... well, THAT person will have an interesting moment with literature on what it TRULY means to be a feminist and the myriad positive options that exist in and for an evolved society.

That's all for now. I'm going to go crawl back under the covers and resume simultaneously wimpering and snotting all over myself. Be sure to catch Building Babies: Inner Adventure tomorrow. The imagery in the ads looks amazing. (And ya, I hate the title too.)

When asked how old my baby is I respond, "She's 12 months out." If anyone questions, I explain, "Well, obviously she's a year and nine months old, but she has been out of the iron belly for a year." Hey, I just like to be accurate.

:: ashli 7:59 AM # ::
:: Thursday, May 26, 2005 ::
Hola. I'm typing away from a little Cuban Internet coffee house. The beach house has no Internet access, however it does come equipped with multimedia players. They don't have much to play on these contraptions. Of the few Paleolithic VHS tapes provided, I noticed, much to my chagrin, a tragically worn copy of The Cider House Rules. It reminded me of the flu-bitten gal in the members-only pool the other day: barf and double barf.

Everywhere we turn in this very affluent community are Kerry bumperstickers and subtle reminders that the liberal elite love their "hard-earned" right to destroy living children. Under a thin veneer of beauty lies so much ugliness; the aesthetics of the ocean are transformed, overexposed in the glaring flashbulb of those who aspire to linger in the floating world satisfying their every carnal whim. The island is Lust and we are paying customers. I feel foreign here. I wake up, look out over the bay, descend the spiral staircase, and long to go home.

Don't get me wrong. God's beauty shines through where man forgets to paint black the windows of nature. That is worth the trip. Also, the oysters ain't half bad, and I'm one heck of a shucker.

Don't look now, but the shopkeep just delivered to my table the big ol' turkey Cuban that I ordered just so I could have Internet access for a milisecond on this strange holiday, so I needs must go.

"Hy-ever", one more thing...

I did the radio interview from the crow's nest of the beach house (scroll down the link until you see "Ashli"). Kim called and gave me fair warning: an hour until she would call for the interview. For an hour my stomach churned; I didn't want to do it, but knew that I should, that I must. (When I got off the phone I promptly got a stress-related fever blister.)

I didn't really know the questions in advance, and if you must know the truth, I'm not a good speaker; I don't think on my feet well. In short, it is my esteemed opinion that I sucked a butt. There were prime opportunities to say something of importance and I blew them.

I was asked to speak on the whole issue of maternal illness-related abortion and I muffed it completely. I got caught in a stream of incoherent gibberish instead of just saying something meaningful like, "Instead of wholeheartedly supporting abortion for maternal health reasons, people need to fight harder for better health care so that women have positive options otherwise certain medical professionals and HMO's will continue to victimize women and children (and families) by abandoning them to abortion when things get sticky or expensive."

3/4 of the interview went on this way: me talking and saying stupid things when I could have been rocking the Casbah for women, children and families.

The delete button... this is why I write, people.

:: ashli 11:49 AM # ::
:: Sunday, May 22, 2005 ::
If I don't write these things down I never remember them.

Sometime in the near future, ask me about:

1) The Admiral
2) The teacup and the ornament (and the pin)
3) Building Babies
4) f.Art

:: ashli 12:57 AM # ::
:: Saturday, May 21, 2005 ::
"By the way, if you wish to invite your blog readers to share their story on Life Redeemed, I would be grateful. I don't want to only tell the stories of Rachel's Vineyard alums, or any other particular program for that matter. We just want stories from real people. They can email me or go to the website for a link."

You MUST sign up and at least hear the interviews. Get your hankies out, because some of them are just flipping gut-wrenching. Frequents of Aa will be interested to note that our beloved Ann Marie appears. I'm telling my story on Tuesday. Don't know what time excerpts of the interview will air.

You tell yours.

:: ashli 11:08 PM # ::
:: Friday, May 20, 2005 ::
Double wow!

:: ashli 2:59 PM # ::
Living children stuffed into red biohazard bags for pickup by the local medical waste service, Rowan, and more:

"During one incident, the medical assistant said, she delivered a 28-week-old baby dead while Dr. Pendergraft was out having lunch. 'When I turned it over [on its side], the baby's hands went together like it was praying. . . . I was waiting for it to scream. . . . It looked so much like a living baby.' That, she says, is when she decided she couldn't work there anymore."

I'm another witness to Pendergraft's lies. He lied on my medical record (about bleeding which he said was "scant" and then "none"... when in reality he told us not to leave town because the bleeding was so severe... so severe that he sent us to a... HOTEL), and his nearly-prepubescent "counselor" lied to me about the size of my baby. (For some idiotic reason, part of my personal stipulations was that my child had to weigh under an ounce. Anything over an ounce and well that would just be wrong, wouldn't it. I didn't express this stiuplation, but it was internally holding, and I was assured that my child was the size of a "walnut" at 4 months of pregnancy. In reality, that is to say, in TRUTH, my child was almost 5 inches long, crown to rump, and weighed nearly 2 ounces!

I am aware of more than a couple of Pendergraft's former employees and, like the former employee in the World article, they are also terrified of him.

:: ashli 9:42 AM # ::
:: Thursday, May 19, 2005 ::
OK, read this too. You have to, have to, have to!

(Look at me trying to take away your choice.)

:: ashli 11:28 PM # ::

:: ashli 11:24 PM # ::
I know I'm trying to shift gears over the the weekend thang, but I did have this "healing" commentary on hand, so I'll go ahead and publish it. Dig it fully.

A reader expresses herself (excerpted with permission):

"Mother's Day kills me - I have no children to comfort me and no mother to distract me.

Personally, I have been spiritually, psychologically and physically maimed. 'Healing' might be reaching the point where I am no longer in imminent danger of dying from the trauma. But I am no longer whole, and it cannot be undone. Reminders such as Mother's Day are like picking off the scab to expose the wound again and again. Abortion is an open running sore, and all I hope to gain from healing programs is encouragement to continue to survive and tips on convalescing as comfortably as possible.

I have not had any luck with the healing programs I have tried. Often they seem too busy or unconcerned to even respond to repeated attempts at communication. I have been reluctant to write about it because I'm just plain mad. Plus, I have a dilemma - the group snubbing me is rather important to me and every other woman who had an abortion, so I hesitate to criticize. But why won't these people validate my concerns with some decent communication?

The Silent No More campaign director for my state runs a healing group. I met with her and it went well. At least I thought so. She gave me her number, told me about her healing group (and turned her nose up when I told her I had tried Healing Hearts online). She hugged me before I left, and I was psyched. It was an awesome experience to finally meet some SNM women, and I was looking forward to the group experience, too.

The next day I sent her an email thanking her, yada yada, volunteered whatever skills I have to help with the effort, and enquired about joining the group. I heard NOTHING in reply. To this day, I have not even had the courtesy of an email.

As aforementioned, Healing Hearts' online program was a bust. The problem, once again, has been communication. Through certain personal experiences with this group, I believe that some of my commentary quite possibly veered from the accepted, "scripted" response and was therefore ignored.

I read a post by Emily about post-abortion healing, felt moved by it, gave Healing Hearts another chance, and guess what? It has been over a week since I sent in my honest response to some deeply personal, sensitive questions, and I have heard nothing.

I give up. I really give up. What is up with this lack of response? I am asking for help. I am asking TO help. And I get no reply. ????????? Georgette Forney and I have had some good exchanges, but my local SNM representative has snubbed me. It's really unsettling. Do others have similar complaints?

You have my permission to use anything I have written to you, anonymously or not as you see fit - I no longer care about anyone's opinion of me. I think I know exactly what you mean when you write about fitting in only when you fit the mold they've prepared. I don't fit in myself, apparently.

Thanks for picking up on this subject, and for being honest about the negative experiences, too."

Others actually have expressed similar complaints, and I have them myself, but I've written about that. I think many good things come from these programs, because I've certainly read comments from women who've felt helped or even "healed" by them. However, I think many people are writing me with their negative experiences simply because they feel "allowed" to. And I wouldn't agree that the comments are bashing. There may be a quality of venting, but I think that for the most part people are merely talking about changes they would like to see.

We have a swinging door in our kitchen. One munchkin, who shall remain nameless, nearly tore the thing off its hinges by closing it on the baby gate situated in the doorway. We've been looking at fixing it for nigh on 4 years now. Every now and again it comes up, usually when it's malfunctioning because of the crippled hinge. I admit, we never talk of how often the door does work. We don't pick out all the nice things about the door that aren't broken. We only talk about what needs to be fixed, because what doesn't need to be fixed somehow doesn't command the same attention.

So far, instead of fixing the problem, we've been content just to blaspheme the confounded contraption and move on with our day. Feels a little hypocritical in light of some "other" expectations of mine, no?

Hmmm... All of a sudden, I think I've got a date with "Home d'Pot" this fair weekend.

:: ashli 3:25 PM # ::
:: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 ::
Sorry about the long absence. Sometimes I just need a break. Right now I'm studying Tedd Tripp's book "Shepherding a Child's Heart". I mean, I'm REALLY studying this thing, so it is taking up all of my spare time. Time I would normally use for blogging.

This whole abortion thing... sheesh... trying to help everyone else's children (and everyone else with the sacred task of parenting) is a passion for me... so much so that sometimes I neglect child-rearing issues in my own life. In short, sometimes I need time to work on my own parenting for the good of my own children.

So, for a while at least, I'm going to probably be something of a weekend blogger.

Next week I may not even get around to that, because I'm going to the beach for a week. (So if any home shows want to come and give my house a much-needed makeover, you have seven undisturbed days to do it. The key is under the mat and I'm a mid-century girl. Clicko all the way!)

Right now I am tenatively scheduled to be interviewed on a radio program during the vacation. What is the subject? Post-abortion "healing". I am thinking much about it. More details to come.

For now, two things:

1. For 25 years I was a "religious" abortion supporter, so being "religious" isn't what changed my mind about abortion. Abortion is what changed my mind about abortion. And with the conversion of my abortion views came a conversion of religious views. The Burger King (religion "my way") became the King of Kings (Christianity His way). I caught Stanley on Sunday and was blown away, because, although he doesn't specifically mention abortion, so much of what he talked about could directly relate to "choice", what I learned about God after abortion, and the subject of "healing". Watch the program. (Just click "Broadband".) Deal with it honestly; prepare to be floored.

2. Is it just me, or is it too much of a coincidence that "Violene" is just one letter away from "Violence"?

:: ashli 10:37 AM # ::
:: Thursday, May 12, 2005 ::
Speaking of NAMBLA...

Grieving parents, especially those who mourn the loss of children who died violent deaths, can relate to much of this.

Without comparing my child's death to Jeffery Curley's death, I must say that, reading over his father's account, I found myself sharing much of the despair, confusion, shock, alienation, isolation, denial and drive. I don't feel so psychically "unhealthy" anymore. Apparently, this is a fairly normal reaction to a child's violent death.

Jeffrey Curley

Jeff's killers:
Sal and Jaynes,
a NAMBLA member

Jeffrey's parents are seeking donations in their legal efforts to put an end to NAMBLA. If you would like to make a contribution please send it to:

Traditional Values Coalition
(Curley Family Lawsuit)
P.O. Box 131808
Houston, TX 77219-1808

Also, if you know families of children who have been raped or molested by NAMBLA members, please contact the

:: ashli 7:50 PM # ::
:: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 ::
(WARNING: Link shows pictures of whole, aborted child)

This "pro-life" commentary INFURIATES me. For a group of "religious" people they certainly aren't responding like the One they claim to follow.

One excerpt:

"In the above picture, the little girl's daddy is giving her a teddy bear, perhaps for her to play with in George Tiller's incinerator..."

Gee, I wonder why more mothers don't speak out. Give me a flippin' break! Like the pictures aren't enough. Like crass commentary REALLY needs to be added to expose the horror of abortion. And as Christina, who alerted us to the link on Aa, points out: Tiller doesn't even use the PBA (partial birth abortion) method! The baby was killed via injection before birth. Anyone who knows anything about how Tiller operates knows this. Why lie? The photos of the dead child are not "gruesome" enough on their own?

Note to Bob:
Tell the truth and react with some flippin' compassion for cryin' out loud. The mother of this child didn't come forward and expose the horror of her SICLE for you to drag her through the mud. She did it to expose the evil of abortion and to help others avoid it. She is making of herself a sacrifice to help others because this is what she learned from her experience and this is what she is called to do. Instead of honoring that you are rubbing her face in her sorrow, guilt and shame.

In addition to helping the "pro-choice" movement illustrate what mean-spirited, liars "pro-lifers" are, I am sure you are making other women think twice, not necessarily about abortion, but certainly about coming forward.

Shame on you.

:: ashli 9:28 AM # ::
FYI, in yesterday's post, the words used to describe Groups 1 and 2 (and the things they stand for) came from Group 1's website, while the words used to describe Groups 3 and 4 (and the things they stand for) came from Group 3's website.

:: ashli 9:12 AM # ::
:: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 ::
These lists of words are all used to describe groups of people and/or what they advocate.

Choose your group:

Group 1
1. democracy
2. freedom
3. civil rights
4. choice
5. accepting
6. liberating
7. empowering
8. loving
9. beneficial
10. right (as in correct)

Group 2
1. discrimination
2. isolation
3. undermining/harmful
4. restrictive
5. dysfunctional
6. condemning
7. blind
8. inhumane
9. unjust
10. denying (as in disallowing)

Choose your group:

Group 3
1. privacy
2. freedom
3. rights
4. choice
5. individuality
6. protective
7. fundamental
8. respectful
9. supportive
10. right (as in correct)

Group 4:
1. discrimination
2. restrictive
3. targeting
4. dangerous
5. barriers/obstacles
6. aggressive
7. egregious
8. distorting
9. propaganda
10. frightening

Out of Groups 1 and 2, with which do you most identify?

Group 1
Group 2

Out of Groups 3 and 4, to which do you see yourself belonging?

Group 3
Group 4

I'll bet at least a couple of you out there are surprised to find out that you are "pro-choice" pedophiles.

(Just another reminder that skilled weavers are hard at work fashioning tapestries of horror with beautiful words.)

:: ashli 3:24 PM # ::
:: Monday, May 09, 2005 ::
Added May 10:
I had no time to edit this yesterday, so I did a little once-over today. I still don't think it says all that I wanted to say. It seems a little... "matter of fact". I don't want it to lack compassion. God knows I understand something of fear and health crisis during pregnancy. But at the same time, much was given to us as a people and much is expected. Compassion is not an excuse for unethic. To love does not always mean to allow. Sometimes the way out of a situation is the way through. Many thoughts on this topic. Oh well... for what it's worth, here's attempt number two:

A little good news today...

(Thanks to a reader for sending!)

"Steve, Shelly and their four babies are all healthy and happy."

Steve says it's not a morality tale and that he would stand by anyone who did kill their "dancing" babies. This is a very popular stance these days. So popular in fact that a professor of theology at Fuller Seminary regurgitated the same mushy point of view. "God supports whatever you do, and so do I."

I disagree. The best advice given was to try and be like Christ, and I don't remember Christ ever killing children for any reason.

At one point, Steve got mad at God charging:
"This is the type of decision YOU'RE supposed to make!"
When 4 hearts started beating, the decision was made.

Yes, there is pain involved in following Christ. Pain and lots of it. Christ told us to count the cost of following Him before we did. The cost referred to, however, is the high cost of striving to be like Christ, not the high cost of screwing up big time when you don't want to.

Steve, Shelly and the quads could have lost everything by trying to be like Christ. Many people have. Many people followed Christ, did not kill their children, and did not have a "happy ending". For them the high cost is a reality. Trusting in spite of receiving the poop-i-fied end of the stick... that's a difficult, difficult gig, and a beautiful, beautiful thang.

Killing your children to save your wife or to save other children is NOT trusting God. It is NOT loving Him more than yourself, your wife or your children. And it is not following Christ.

Believe me... I understand risky business. I understand hurting and worrying and being a "decent" person with health decisions to make. None of that is easy, and all of it is understandable. But when decisions are hard, it doesn't automatically make them Christ-oriented, and I contend that some decisions are more Christ-like than others.

When I got a Staph infection in my PICC it could have killed me and my daughter. I could have aborted her to lessen the risk to myself. Potentially, we could have both died if I hung in there with that confounded line. My liver wasn't happy either. It wanted that kid out. Tough decisions... unless you trust God. Unless you are willing to give Him your life and the life of your child, unless you are willing to entrust your surviving spouse and child to Him. The circumstances might suck a massive butt, but the decisions become really quite easy.

I am not attempting to criticize Steve and Shelly or anyone like them. I understand people making "difficult decisions" in a health crisis, but I also understand that good choices are more clear than people may imagine, even when tremendous risk and loss are involved.

When my preacher was at my hospital bedside and I told him that I was really tempted to abort to get myself out of my debilitating health crisis, one that I really and truly felt I could not bear, he took my hand and told me he understood. He told me anyone would. But he also told me that God wants our all, that I knew I could not abort my child in the name of health. It became clear to me that to suffer horribly, even to die in the name of God would be better.

Oh, it's not a popular notion by any means. And people are so confused about these types of issues even though the Bible is rife with the concept of following Christ even unto physical death. I did not want to endure that illness. But I did what I thought I could not do. Only because of Christ. ONLY because of Christ. I know this because I went it alone before and failed when I made a "difficult decision" and aborted my child in the second trimester. Like I know my own face in the mirror, I KNOW that was NOT following Christ; it was NOT what God wanted.

So even though I suck and I make a lot of mistakes every single day, decisions and choices in life are never ever hard. Faith and obedience, however, are exceedingly difficult. To me, that's what Steve was really talking about though he may not have been able to identify that.

God wants my all, but more often than not I don't give it. My personal concerns have no bearing on what is and what is not "following Christ".

It's not hard to make a faith-based decision. It's hard to lose your wife and/or children because you do. Serious sacrifice hurts. Giving your all often involves great difficulty and personal sorrow.

Who better understands than Christ? Who better to follow?

:: ashli 10:22 AM # ::
:: Saturday, May 07, 2005 ::
Happy birthday to a child who
was nearly aborted at 5 weeks
of pregnancy (3 gestational weeks).

:: ashli 11:29 PM # ::
:: Friday, May 06, 2005 ::
From Patte:

"Was Baby Rowan Born Alive? Let me provide a few compelling reasons for you readers to consider the possibility that Baby Rowan was born alive. First, from the autopsy results by medical examiner Dr Jan Garavaglia, it appears that Rowan may not have drawn a breath, however, air in the lungs is not the only signof live birth. According to the Born Alive Infants Protection Act of 2002 (BAIPA), the definition of being "alive" includes three other criteria:

1) a beating heart and/or
2) a pulsating umbilical cord and/or
3) movement of voluntary muscles

Only one of these criteria must be met for a child to be protected under the BAIPA. Rowan's mother Angele observed her son moving his legs, turning his head, and grasping her finger. Rowan also exhibited the'startle response' (flaying out his arms and legs) when she screamed for help.

In light of the fact that the medical examiner autopsied Rowan's body 22 days after he died, we must accept that Dr. Garavaglia was unable to determine whether, in fact, Rowan's heart was beating or whether his cord was still providing him with oxygen or whether he was able to move in the toilet.

The autopsy report indicates that Rowan's body was 'trauma-free'. In a telephone interview Dr Garavaglia admitted that, upon examination of the infant's body, 'There was no evidence of needle marks.' Why is this information crucial and noteworthy? Because injection of digoxin into the fetal heart (through the mother's abdomen) is the protocol at EPOC (and Pendergraft's other abortuaries) for assuring fetal death before labor-and-delivery abortion from 22 weeks gestation and beyond. This is to be performed by the abortionist to prevent a live birth of a viable infant. If Rowan was NOT lethally injected before his birth, what would cause his death?

The Bottom Line:
I want to present a challenge on the purely humanitarian aspect of this abortion story. Putting aside the controversy as to whether the infant was alive at birth, let us look at the undisputed facts of this case:

Rowan was approximately five months gestation. He was aborted by the commonly performed "labor-and-delivery" method. He was delivered into the toilet, where Angele was instructed by an abortuary employee to push.

I'd like to pose a few questions:

Does this second trimester abortion episode trouble you at all? Do you find it in the least bit repugnant that a fully formed potentially viable human infant can be put through the ordeal of an extremely premature delivery at the whim of his mother and $1900 cash to the local abortion staff?

As a person of conscience, doe sthis type of "procedure" on a little baby strike you as, in the very least, morally questionable?

Can you admit that what happened to Rowan, regardless of whether he "survived" in the toilet for eleven minutes, was reprehensible?

As you mentally, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and ethically interact with the fact that thousands of infants in Orlando, over the last few years alone, have been subjected to this same experience of forced premature delivery, can you honestly conclude that this is decent, honorable, acceptable and humane treatment in response to a"crisis" pregnancy?

I would like you readers to entertain the compassionate possibility that a child's value is inherent, that one person's significance is an objective truth that should never be religated to the subjective whims of another.

Most religions would add to this the fact that each new life is a soul that has sprung from God.

Rowan's own mother went from a subjective perception of her son's value to an objective revelation of his wondrous personhood. Angele experienced an epiphany when she saw her baby for what he was: a precious, beautiful little boy.

Randy Alcorn said: 'There is no such thing as an unwanted child, only unwanting adults.' While it is true that these abortion-vulnerable infants are not always 'wanted' by their mothers (and in most cases, their fathers) there is a place of wantedness for each of them. There is a long list of couples on the adoption waiting list who are dreaming of these very same babies.

'One person's junk is another person's treasure.'

Isn't it time we stop making excuses and admit that there is simply no justification for hurting children? Isn't it time that we admit that abortion, especially of viable infants, is simply intrinsically wrong? And finally, isn't it time that we did something about it?"

:: ashli 10:02 PM # ::
It's Cinco de Mayo and late abortion day at Pendergraft's in Orlando!


An excerpt from Patte:

"This morning four women and one 14-year-old girl and their family and friends lined up outside Orlando Women's Center. They gathered their pillows, blankets, pajamas, snacks and drinks and walked through the door to abort their late-term infants by delivering them prematurely.

We are thankful to be able to tell you that the 14-year-old girl refused to go through with her labor-and-delivery abortion. Her mother bristled that she would not abort her grandchild."

I hope they don't see the 14-year-old back next week after seven more days of intense, maternal badgering/coercion.

:: ashli 9:57 PM # ::
Thanks to Rebecca Porter for sending this along (and for tirelessly doing what she does):

"The state of Florida doesn't believe that a 13-year-old girl has the ability to have consensual sex," said Susan Pine of West Palm Beach, a member of a group called Face Life. Therefore, Pine argued, the law should have presumed L.G. was not competent to decide to have an abortion. Pine also called on prosecutors to investigate whether L.G. was impregnated by an adult."

:: ashli 9:52 PM # ::
Your life is in their hands.

:: ashli 9:45 PM # ::
Ah, so there WAS an autopsy!

"It's interesting to me that the abortion lobby has a 'Trust women!' motto, then they call Angele a liar. If women are so universally trustworthy, why don't they believe this woman? Is it because her story is one they don't like?"

And how!

:: ashli 8:45 PM # ::
God bless this man.
(Yes, I said "MAN.")

Happy Women's Day!
Albeit belated.
Let's hear it for killing one's children and significantly raising one's risk of breast cancer!

(Hat tip to Kim!)

:: ashli 11:23 AM # ::
:: Thursday, May 05, 2005 ::
"Look, ma! I can unequivocally diagnose stillbirth with no autopsy!"

So the M.E. won't autopsy but says the baby was stillborn for sure. Hmmm...

Employees of a man convicted of extortion (who admitted to supporting a lie that pesky anti-abortion lunatics, aka "pro-lifers", were making violent threats), are saying that Rowan's mom is a big fat liar? Hmmm...

Can you even imagine what Angele is feeling right now? Her child died in a toilet, no one would help him, and now it never even happened.

After everything I've been through I remember how I felt when I was told that I had never lost a child in an abortion, that I was just some cliche lackey for the "pro-life" movement, and that I was obviously a man, baby. It was not a Hallmark moment.

Angele must be going through hell. She's got living children. I wonder how well Mom's "momming". I wonder how they're all faring. I worry.

There's a phone call on record, police came to the abortion facility and made contact with Angele, I believe paramedics were lied to by staff (told there was no patient there that fit the description), Angele is demanding an autopsy to try and provide proof that what she claims is true... 2+2=4.

Who are abortion advocates trying to kid? Do they really expect us to believe that a "pro-lifer" walked in and aborted her late-term child so that she could fabricate a story and somehow injure the abortion business or abortion as a whole? Or that a woman who aborted her child was all of a sudden sooo sorry the second afterward that she would fabricate a lie and draw national attention to the fact that she did an awful, awful thing? Yeah right.

I got news for abortion advocates involved. Even if they came right out and admitted that it all happened, I'm not sure anyone would give a rat's butt. The only people whose panties would wad all up in a nice-sized bunch would be the same ol' "pro-lifers" who've been harping on all this "abortion killz babies" stuff for the last 30 years. And who listens to them?

I guess though, it's important to beat this particular rap, because legally Rowan was transformed from taco meat to child the moment his vulnerable little body splashed into the toilet. And staff didn't fish him out of Tidy-Bowl territory and dial 9-1-1. So that would mean abortion business staff contributed to the death of a child. And that would be horrible, wouldn't it.

:: ashli 10:29 PM # ::
Battery is a crime... unless the person being battered is "pro-life".

:: ashli 10:25 PM # ::
Oh yeah, she seems "competent enough" to make such a decision.

:: ashli 10:23 PM # ::
If I have it right, Emily asks if the focus of a woman, grieved by abortion, ought really to be on the disappointments of "post-abortion healing ministries" or on growing and (here comes that word again...) "healing" instead.

First, I think it's OK for women to comment about their positive and negative experiences and perceptions regarding "post-abortion healing ministries". Day in and day out we hear, almost exclusively, about the fabulousness and miraculousness of these "healing" programs. This doesn't mean that women with positive perceptions are focusing more on the "wonderful healing ministry" than they are on trying to personally cope with their SICLE. They're merely discussing personal experience and perception. In the same way, recounting the negative experiences/perceptions is part of the whole SICLE, not the primary focus.

I, for one, tell people thinking of aborting that it's forever, and that while there are programs centered on helping, sometimes they help and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they even hurt, like when women are told (and I hear this quite often, I'm afraid) that they are making themselves "bigger than Jesus" because they still agonize and can not personally forgive themselves.

It sucks to be told that you don't love Jesus because you're suffering the consequences of your choice to blatantly defy Him. And I don't think it's wrong to decry that suckiness. In fact, I think it's very good feedback for the "ministries" and the women involved.

You don't hear negative commentary re: "post-abortion healing" programs very often. I think it has less to do with the super-cali-fraga-listicness of the programs and more to do with the fact that women are hurting in silence so as not to be different, difficult and even more vulnerable. I have been personally attacked by "concerned, compassionate" parties who began in all civility. As long as my head is nodding I receive the alloted dose of "post-abortion compassion" (read: pity). But the moment I have my own, deviating opinion about something, I'm really just a heartless idiot who killed my kid and has nothing valid or psychologically sound to say. I have even been prevented from helping people who run programs because I was seen as not being where I "should" be in my "walk with Christ" or in my "healing journey".

"Healing programs..." Been there, done that, talkin' about it.

Instead of getting offended by such voices, people in "healing ministries" should perhaps be glad that former participants are willing to offer honest opinions on negative experiences. While it may be somewhat painful to hear that everything is not perfect and that some things in fact suck royale, it certainly poses founders/directors/leaders with the opportunity to at least consider making changes that might potentially improve programs that help women. Because it's not about the programs; it's about women (and others hurt by abortion).

Voices like mine also put a slice of lead fruitcake on the gilded after-dinner tray. They say, amongst the caramelized cream tarts and marbled cherry cheesecakes, "If you order dessert, honey, you just might get this."

It may seem stupid to some that a woman would see the word "healing", hear directors, former participants and the like, talk of their miraculous "healing", and then actually expect that "healing" was an attainable norm... only to be sorely let down when they discover that "healing" really is just "coping". With all the fluffy pink love in the world wrapping itself sweetly around Emily's shoulders for a big ol' warm fuzzy hug, to suggest that perceptions and feelings that we care enough to talk about (and be deemed bothersome for)... are like rearranging chairs on the Titanic seems somewhat invalidating.

I'll tell you one thing, I know I'm an oddball... so I was surprised at how many comments I received (and am still receiving) from women who, at least partly, shared similar observations. I figured it was going to be flame city, but evidently there are more women than I thought who have had negative or disappointing experiences related to the way they've been approached or dealt with in "post-abortion healing" programs. This isn't at all to say that there weren't positives. It is just to say that there were negatives, and this is something fairly new to hear.

Sometimes, being grateful for the compassion and comfort one does glean, prevents the freedom of being entirely honest regarding negative experiences. So what we have recently touched upon, elicited here... is important, I think.

A final thought...

Women who speak out about their negative experiences related to abortion are often criticized for lingering in negativity (feeling sorry for themselves or blaming abortion for their own preexisting psychosis). We are even charged of missing the point. If we feel sad or bad we are "compassionately" encouraged to focus on the positive things that abortion did do for us. It would, we are told, serve us in a more healthy capacity to move on and "heal".

In the midst of such philosophy, when we are striving for our "whiny voices" not to be a personal affront but to be more generally validated (via such needed groups as Silent No More), I think we ought to be ready and willing likewise to validate among us the unhealed voices of discontent.

:: ashli 7:29 PM # ::
:: Wednesday, May 04, 2005 ::
Many good comments regarding the post on "post-abortion healing":

"I never questioned your anguish when I first read your story over a year ago, because I had a close friend who suffered from hyperemesis throughout her first pregnancy. I don't think her case was as severe as yours, but I saw firsthand the havoc it caused and the care she required to be able to go forward sometimes moment by moment through the nine months. I tell you this because my thought for you is that perhaps you scoff at healing because you haven't seen it firsthand.

I don't think you have a problem with 'healing'. I think you have a problem with cheap grace, as well you and all of us who fear God should! I know that the grief we feel is sacred and is of God and is appropriate; I also believe it can be lifted by sharing it with the One whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light."

"Carol Everett was speaking once about her awakening to what abortion really was. She mentioned once holding an aborted baby in her hand and looking at the intestines and thinking, 'This baby was made to live.' She said, 'Those are the ones I remember and need healing for, every day.' Every day. Every day. Every day. Just those two words. Every day. That it's not a once and done deal. You don't just walk away and say, 'Well, I've seen the light, all is well.' Every day it's going back to God and saying, I can't carry this.'

Every day. Every day. Every day. I think that's something people don't grasp. I know I don't. I have to remind myself that for those who have been there, done that, it's every day. Every day. Every day. Every day."

"[Though I don't have a SICLE] I do understand the not healing. I went through a thousand different kinds of hell as a child with my mother and abuse, starvation.. When I converted to catholicism, from paganism, I hoped when they baptized me it all would just wash off. It didn't.

Really and truly its absurd that people think God is going to disrupt his original design and bring us to the point where death does not offend us. We were not originally created to die. Our unborn were not created to be destroyed. Death is a consequence of the original stain.

I think that claiming full healing involves denial, and I do think it's damaging for those who think they are healed compleatly to go around telling people that. Death is an offense to our nature and to say that it doesnt bother one anymore says to me that God removed one's ability to be offended and hurt by death, which would be contrary to His original plan. And it's a bit crazy to hear someone claim that God altered His plan just for them.

when God is ready he will restore me to what he meant for me to be. Until then I respect the fact that my sin causes myself and others pain. Pain that doesnt heal with time. Wounds that dont close till God himself recreates me and restores me without my stain of original sin. I respect His plan and I will follow it."

"Ashli, you said:
'Sidewalk counselors' frequently hear from mothers (who are entering abortion businesses to abort children) that they 'know' it is wrong but that Jesus will forgive them. Further, the logic is that they're really already forgiven before the abortion takes place.'

Isn't this kinda what sparked the Protestant Reformation? Josef Fuger was selling indulgences for sins you planned to commit later. For Luther, that was the last straw."

"Ashli, I have been following your blog for a few weeks now after a friend of mine gave me the link. I love your honesty and up front manner of your experience and views of abortion. Yesterday's blog was so refreshing.

I too do not believe that a woman can find the true definition of 'healing' from an abortion. I have completed a CPC bible study/counselling, a Rachel Vineyards post abortion retreat and a Healing Hearts online post abortion bible study. Yes each of these 'helped' me through stages of my post abortion journey (as I call it) but they have not 'healed' me. I feel I have come a LONG way. However I do not consider myself 'healed'. I believe I find bits of peace and healing along the path but never will be the complete person I was before my abortion, I will always have grief and regret over the loss of my child.

I have accepted Christs forgiveness but also too sometimes doubt my own forgiveness and am told this is putting myself before Christ! I am involved in an online post abortion ministry, which I would suggest offers the model of 'healing' rather than 'helping' and this does sometimes annoy me.

God does not always heal us of things e.g. terminal illnesses, addictions etc, so why should abortion be different? You are right sin (abortion) has consequences and although we may be helped with the grief, pain and shame etc...I do not believe we can all be healed or gain full healing...I struggle to know how to describe myself...as I am not comfortable with 'healed' from my abortion."

"I had some thoughts on why people push the 'healing' thing when it comes to abortion. I, for one, doubt that anyone really 'heals', as you said. How could you possibly heal from such a horrific experience? I think that really they are just trying to fool themselves so that they can pretend not to hurt anymore. Sometimes denial is much easier to accept than the truth.

I think that the healing message is so over-publicised because no one wants to tell a woman who just had an abortion, and is about to jump from a bridge, that she will probably never get better. People like to have hope, they like to give other people hope. Who cares if it isn't the truth, as long as it gives everyone a nice, fuzzy feeling? No one wants to look at the woman, with her brand new SICLE, and say "welcome to your personal hell, where you will stay for the rest of your life, with no chance of escape".

The truth sucks. The truth is that, like you, she may never feel better. It will always haunt her dreams and waking moments. She will always want to die when she thinks of what she did to herself and her child. Non-sicles (like me) are the LAST people in the world who should be telling her (or you) that you have to heal, that healing is the 'right thing'."

"Ashli, I agree with you about "healing" programs. The program I went through was Hope Alive which was definitely about integrating abortion into my life and giving me tools to life my life differently.

I am very pleased with what I have learned in the program but I know very well I am not entirely healed and will not be this side of heaven. For now, I can be real and honest and put my hand and heart out to other women who have had abortions to encourage them.

I abhor the term, "post abortive" woman. I do not agree with defining any person in terms of any one sin, as we are all sinners guilty of many sins. I think of, and refer to myself (as well as others) as a woman who has had a abortion, and my perferred definition: a sinner saved by grace."

Proponents of abortion love to report that the predominant emotion women experience after abortion is relief. Opponents of abortion often reason that such reporting is no accurate indication of a woman's true and lasting emotional response, the kind that comes after she's had a fair amount of time to integrate what happened into her life.

It's true I think with all of the emotionally heavier things in life (i.e., things like marriage, divorce, birth, major illness, etc.), be they positive or negative: time is needed to absorb the impact they have on the whole.

I would suggest that the abortion-related coping programs are emotionally affective, and, having to do with the heavy abortion experience, are themselves pretty heavy. So it makes sense to me that an argument could be made that, until longitudinal follw-up can be performed on past participants, I'm not sure how accurate the claims of "healing" are. I have talked to those who say these programs were a productive weekend but, come Monday, the same old grief and despair was waiting on the doorstep to greet them.

Lots of interesting dialogue on the subject of these programs, "post-abortion healing" and terminology at Aa.

:: ashli 12:43 PM # ::
:: Tuesday, May 03, 2005 ::
The sheer genius that is Emily!

:: ashli 1:41 PM # ::
:: Sunday, May 01, 2005 ::
For those who've missed it (and aren't glad they did)... a brief smattering of my feelings on "healing" from abortion:

1. doesn't play well with others
2. unless these are the others
3. wounds that never heal
4. cookie-cutter SICLE

Time plays on and views evolve. Right now, I still feel that it is somewhat a disservice or inaccuracy to talk of "healing" related to child loss. A few reasons right of the top of my pointed head are:

1. I have a hard time believing that any mother who loves her child can "heal" from his death (no matter what caused it).

2. I am a stickler for words and believe that what the "post-abortion healing ministries" are actually referring to is not "healing" but "helping". Therefore, IMHO, I believe it is more accurate and beneficial to refer to such efforts as "post-abortion helping ministries".

3. "Sidewalk counselors" frequently hear from mothers (who are entering abortion businesses to abort children) that they "know" it is wrong but that Jesus will forgive them. Further, the logic is that they're really already forgiven before the abortion takes place.

Forgiveness, it's a given. Is healing or ultimately, the lack of any lasting consequences, a given too? WHERE oh WHERE in the Bible does it say that unethic (or, sin, if you like) carries no consequence here on earth? (And what does this theory do to the ABC link?)

Is abortion really that neat? Can I kill my child, be forgiven by God, and then be "healed" from it to boot? Boy, that sounds like a really sweet deal to anyone considering abortion in a crisis.

On the way into the abortion business I was one who thought I was already forgiven, particularly because I was aborting for a potentially life-threatening maternal health issue. I knew in my heart of hearts that God wasn't really in love with my choice, but I felt that surely He would forgive me. It was a given. No problem there. And I had lost my parents to cancer. I was an "orphan" at 24. Dad died of cancer and four years later Mom got cancer and took the big dirt nap. It was sad but I was handling it. I was still completely functional, completely together. In the same way, I would "heal" from the abortion. Forgiveness and healing, pre-abortion, post-abortion. What could be more tidy than that?

The logic was deception; nothing could have been further from the truth. A child is not a parent and abortion is not cancer.

I question the accuracy and beneft of conveying the idea that mothers can "heal" from killing their own children.

From Websters:
healing - To make sound or whole. To restore to original integrity.

Whole? Original integrity? I think not. This is why I have such a problem with the term "healing" used in conjunction with abortion. But ok, ok... to be fair, there is also another definition of healing: To overcome. I suppose that is the spirit of the "post-abortion healing ministry" as it is. At least, that is what I am told.

Even so, I am pig-headed, and can't shake the idea that more than anything, these programs are about coping with abortion, about integrating the experience into one's life without becoming wholly destructive to one's self and others. The programs don't "heal" but certainly they help.

So why can't we call it that?

I invite you to write me with your views on this. Bear in mind, I might like to post a sampling of your comments, all anonymous of course.

:: ashli 1:45 PM # ::
"Angele's Friend (AF): It's a women's clinic. . . . My friend is having an abortion and the baby was born alive. . . . They're not allowing her to use the phone there. They're wanting the baby to die!

OFD: She wants the baby to live?

AF: That's correct. . . . [She] said the baby was just born and it was alive and they were wanting her to leave it in the toilet and, uh, just let it die, and she's not wanting that to happen."

Listen to talk radio on Rowan.

Obviously there are many outrageous aspects of this case, but two that are on the tip of my tongue are:

1. Why is the county M.E. refusing autopsy?

Anyone who watches Dr. G knows that she often autopsies cases in which she has absolutely no suspicions of sinister circumstances, for the sole purpose of comforting a survivor who does have questions. She doesn't want the survivor to have to live the rest of his life with those types of concerns. People obvioulsy have questions in this case, and it is important to Rowan's mother that those questions be answered. So what's the problem??? It doesn't seem beyond the power of the M.E. to offer Rowan's mother an autopsy for compassionate reasons. Unless of course the M.E. does not want to risk the possiblity of exposing the fact that this child died with toilet water in his lungs/belly. Because that, my friends, would mean that he had been born alive, and that would lend yet another level of credibility to Angele's account of events, and that might somehow hurt abortion.

2. Could abortion business staff possibly use poorer judgement in their denial that this happened? What could they possibly accomplish by accusing Rowan's mother of lying?

What mother in the world would come forward with pictures of her dead child, aborted in the second trimester, and splash them all over the Internet for God and everybody to see if she were lying? This is not something you lie about to get attention or money or really anything that I can think of.

After delivering her living son into a toilet, she herself says:

"The moment I saw Rowan . . . I cannot tell you the sickness that came over me and the self-loathing."

Any rational human being can see that this is not a woman who is proud of her involvement in this experience. She does not think that listeners will regard her with envy or deep respect at hearing what she has to say. All at once, the emotionally eviscerating image of her son dying in a toilet revealed to her what a terrible thing it is that she participated in. Her self-described culpability is palpable. It is nothing short of a miracle that she would even come forward with the truth in this manner. Her child just died this month!

In memory of her precious son, and for the sake of others, she has disregarded concern for herself and come forward to expose, in painful, intricate detail, the devastating circumstances surrounding her self-imposed child loss experience. In doing so, she opens herself up to relentless questioning, to tremendous criticism from people who feel threatened by the truth, and to the red fury of people who just plain love to hate women who have aborted children.

Surely this is not a woman who is lying, and America should listen to every word she has to utter.

My fears of course are that only the sectarian media will pick this story up, that this will be yet another example of "preaching to the choir". Would that the world would care about Angele and Rowan... and all the others.

:: ashli 12:26 AM # ::

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