:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Thursday, September 30, 2004 ::

The first of the presidential debates is tonight. Here's to hoping killer Kerry will commit "hara-Kerry" in the eyes of the undecided.

:: ashli 6:59 PM # ::
:: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 ::
A reader wrote recently to tell me that while some people think I'm a masochist with this blog, she gets it. I'm glad that she finds something valuable in this endeavor, but I wonder about those who think it masochistic. These folks are missing the point.

First, there are very few safe places to express the overwhelming, unending grief of the S.I.C.L.E. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is my journal. I realize this blog isn't going to change the world for cryin' out loud. It's more about personal grief work. And it's cheaper than a visit to the shrink. And equally helpful.

Second, for anyone who doesn't understand graphic grief, go read Dorothy's explanation (bottom of page). Get a load of all the terrorist beheading videos offered on the site. Is this lady a masochist? Hey, why doesn't she just "put her husband's death behind her" and "move on"? I'll bet her co-workers just wish she'd shut up already.

(Do you see where this is going?)

Abortion is horrific, and you don't get popular talking about it. It hurts all the time.
My how nice it would be to "get over it". I could bury my pain as best I could, have an occasional curious breakdown alone in a bathroom stall somewhere, and shy away from the subject all together. I could attempt to move away from my thoughts and feelings (like I did at the abortion clinic) and become not only weirder and more dysfunctional for doing so but could also run the risk of becoming protectively complacent.

My complacency could not only open the door for my children to experience the myriad "joys" of abortion later but would certainly make me perpetually guilty of the thousands of abortion-related deaths going on daily in this country, as I would not vote properly or write letters to representatives (who don't really give a rat's butt) or do my best to help in any other way.

But no worries...

This is my virtual tissue and I'm going to continue my mournful snotting. I'm not going to become an impacted freak so that people will think better of me or so that readers can have some sort of Pollyana non-visceral experience as they choke down breakfast bagels in front of office monitors. I'm not going to gloss over anything or manipulate myself for any movement or to pander for readership. There's a wound here that I can't ignore.

This is my dark corner.
This is my primal, silent scream.

:: ashli 11:32 PM # ::
:: Tuesday, September 28, 2004 ::
"When mom's "primary physician" arrived on scene, we all realized what was going on - that it was, in fact an abortion.

This was a perfectly formed 26-week baby. Someone laid her on a table. As soon as I saw her I nearly fell apart. The image of that beautiful, fully formed, perfect little infant haunts me to this day. I've seen it in my sleep. I've seen it every time I see a pregnant woman."

:: ashli 5:24 PM # ::
:: Saturday, September 25, 2004 ::
I have this to say of the Kerry/Edwards team:

If I can't trust a big strong man to look out for a little tiny baby, I know I can't trust him to look out for a full-grown me.

:: ashli 4:53 PM # ::
:: Friday, September 24, 2004 ::
So now "termination of pregnancy" is called "early induction of labor." Euphemisms ... what would abortion proponents do without them?

:: ashli 10:46 AM # ::
"To exalt ‘choice’ as a good in itself. . . is ultimately to deny that there is a difference between good and evil.” ~Richard John Neuhaus

:: ashli 10:41 AM # ::
Every now and again I'm going to post excerpts from a "sidewalk counselor's" journal. Let's call it "Sidewalk Talk". Here's today's:

"9/23/04: A woman named * Clarice * drove by slowly, looking at the graphic CHOICE abortion sign (from CBR) that I'd hung on the street-side window of the RV. I gave her a friendly wave and said, "Hello" as she drove away.

Clarice turned around and drove over to me, asking: "Do you mind if I tell you something?" She pointed to a beautiful baby boy in the car seat beside her. "I came to this place four times trying to kill this child."

I asked: "And why didn't you go through with your abortion?"

Clarice said: "My husband. He really didn't want me to do it. We're married with three kids. Having another baby just seemed overwhelming, but he insisted that everything would be okay." Clarice confessed that she was very glad that she didn't murder her gurgling son. But, she had a problem. "It's that sign with the aborted baby on it. If anyone sees that picture, they'd never be able to abort."

Clarice went on: "I don't think it's fair to force women to look at what abortion really is. They'll never be able to have an abortion. They'll have to have their baby even if they're in a really bad situation. What if they can't afford to raise a child?" Clarice went so far as to call displaying the photo "mean".

I reasoned with her, "Clarice, abortion is mean. No woman who doesn't want a baby has to raise a baby. Every pregnant woman can choose a loving adoptive family, for FREE."

I gave Clarice our info packet and explained a little about how we help women through pregnancy.

She smiled and said: "It's great that you care about these women, and I understand that you mean well. It's just that I think you should get rid of that photo."

My conversation with Clarice confirmed what I always knew, we MUST continue to display the CHOICE sign."

"9/23/04: I know that you've heard of Mother-Daughter Teas, Mother-Daughter Banquets even Mother-Daughter book groups, but I'll bet you have never heard of Mother-Daughter abortions.

15-year-old *Tanisha* and her mom, *Rita* were both pregnant and had come to Orlando Women's Center to kill their babies together. Tanisha was 15 weeks pregnant and her mom Rita was 20 weeks. They brought their blankets and pillows and sat down to wait for their names to be called. I offered them help from the moment they arrived at the clinic.

Mom Rita pushed my information away saying, "No, don't you go talkin' to me, now. I've already made up my mind. I'm not havin' any mo' kids."

I assured Rita that she was having this baby. "You're going to go through childbirth, just like you did with all of your other children." I showed her the photo of little Mary, a baby aborted at the same stage of development as the child she was now carrying. Rita passed the photo around to *Roger* and to Tanisha, marveling, "Look at that ... will you look at that! Poor little baby." Then she laughed.

Tanisha seemed more pensive. She looked into my eyes with a sort of sadness and took my info packet. We spoke to Tanisha and Rita all morning long. Mark offered Tanisha the opportunity to see her baby on ultrasound and Roger came into the RV too.

As Mark and Claire showed Tanisha the amazing little child growing inside of her, Tanisha asked: "Is that my baby's legs kicking? Did she blink? Did her eyes blink?"

Rita came storming into the RV, demanding to see her daughter and take her out of the RV. She asked Mark: "Are you holding her down?" Tanisha assured her; "I'm okay, mom."

Mark hurried up and finished the ultrasound. When they all left the RV they still seemed determined to go through the mother-daughter double murder (though nine out of ten women who see their babies on ultrasound can't go through with the abortion plan).

A few minutes later, Tanisha came back and asked for the photo of her baby. She smiled and thanked Mark for it. We were sort of dumbfounded when they stayed inside the clinic, but then all of a sudden out they came! Tanisha was gently weeping and they were going HOME to Melbourne! Yippee! We are glad two sweet African American children were spared!"

Abortion is the number one killer of black people. Three out of five black children are aborted. That means more black children are aborted than born. Democrat Kerry is for abortion. Blacks tend to vote the big ol' donkey. A lot of people are going to be shooting themselves in the head this November. Sigh.

(Note: Asterisks denote fictitious names.)

:: ashli 9:52 AM # ::
:: Tuesday, September 21, 2004 ::
Last night I was in the bathtub with my 5-year-old son and infant daughter when my son ups and says, "Rubba dub dub, three men in a tub..."

He declared himself to be the candlestick maker while his sister was the baker. You can guess what that made me.

Moments like these...

:: ashli 9:08 AM # ::
:: Monday, September 20, 2004 ::
Here's a novel idea: "Adoption clinics" where moms go in at 36 weeks, get knocked out, deliver via c-section a baby they never have to hear or see, and go home two days later. Aside from recovery time and knowing a living child is out there somewhere, to the mom it would be pretty much like the abortion experience (except without that pesky mutillating death part).


:: ashli 9:00 AM # ::
:: Friday, September 17, 2004 ::
Bad, horrible, terrible, teeth-gnashing news regarding the cancer mom who refused to abort her daughter at 5 months:

"I wanted to let you know that the doctors at Moffitt Hospital in Tampa found a tumor on ***'s brain on Wednesday evening. She has had severe problems this week…temporary blindness, inability to speak or walk. She will be going through radiation therapy for 17 days beginning today. However, when her husband pressed the doctor for a realistic prognosis, she told him that she only gives *** a few months to live. She encouraged [the husband] to help get his wife's things in order and to prepare for what’s ahead. [The cancer-fighting couple] are both very discouraged and scared, although they want to trust God through all this. Please keep them in your prayers.

Also, I want to try to put together some kind of a get-away for them and the children (4 and 1 ½) in about a month…do any of you know what the organizations are that do this kind of thing for terminally ill patients and their families?

Also, please keep the children in your prayers, especially [the 4-year-old boy]. I’ve been keeping them this week while [the cancer-fighting couple] are in Tampa, and he is just out of control! I can’t even imagine what goes on in his little head…he just knows “Mommy is sick” but there’s so much turmoil in his life, not the least of which are weekly, sometimes daily, drives to Tampa…2 hours each way and hours of waiting in doctor offices and hospitals.

I love this little guy so much, but he is very difficult to care for right now (think “Hurricane Ivan”). [The baby girl who doctors wanted to abort at 5 months] is a sweet little toddler who is getting into everything! (I’m going to run to the thrift store this weekend and get some BABY TOYS!!!!) Anyway, please pray for our family as we attempt to serve [the cancer-fighting couple] in the days and weeks ahead in the area of babysitting. (I don’t want to be a martyr; I want to serve with joy…please pray for my heart.)

Thank you for your love and friendship, and your prayers for this sweet family. I will keep you informed. May God bless you all."

This is heartbreaking. I'm beside myself.

I just want to say that in writing a book on medical illness during pregnancy, I came across PLENTY of case studies of women who had cancer during pregnancy. Some were advised to abort late into pregnancy and did. Some of those moms died anyway, and so no one was spared. The children were always healthy and fine prior to being aborted, and it occurs to me that one life would have been better than none.

I don't say this to be callous. God knows I've been sick and kinda scared when my life was potentially threatened during pregnancy. I mention it because I know that someone will read this post and use this particular case to justify abortion for all. They will say, "Well, you see what happens when abortion is not an option? Moms with cancer die leaving behind their husbands and little children! The young mother could have been saved and had more children later or adopted if she had wanted."

The truth is, the daughter is alive and healthy and will hopefully live to be an old woman, but the mother might have died anyway. Even when they seemed to have eradicated the cancer, you see that it has come back in the worst way nearly two years later. I want people to understand that the abortion-for-maternal-health issue isn't as black and white as the thumpers (abortion advocates) would have you believe. No one can tell you with certain accuracy that you are going to die if you don't abort anymore they can tell you that you are going to live if you do. There are guesses but oh how often doctors, who are just people, some of which graduated at the bottom of their class, are wrong.

Better that one person be saved than both perish. This mother offered her life for her child's life. She does not regret transcending the primal inclination to survive in order to love, protect and provide for her daughter. We should not regret it for her or ever use it against her in biased retellings of what harm NOT killing an innocent child may do.

:: ashli 4:12 PM # ::
Another day in the life of a "sidewalk counselor" (graphic link):

Emily didn't want to be pregnant. She started snorting coke once a week hoping that the drug would cause a miscarriage. When the baby survived all these months, Emily was scared. She worried that the cocaine had caused the baby to be deformed. To complicate matters Emily's boyfriend has been happily anticipating the birth of their child and was entirely unaware of Emily's cocaine use and the plans she had to kill their baby.

She opened up the telephone book and found the big, attractive ad for Orlando Women's Center abortion clinic. She arrived for an appointment on this Tuesday, September 14. No Christians were there to reach out to her in her dilemma. The friendly abortionist did an ultrasound and told Emily that she was 24 weeks pregnant. Emily was told that they would be happy to kill her viable child.

In a very straightforward, matter-of-fact manner an Orlando Women's Center (OWC) employee informed her that she would have to pay $2,200 to have a labor-and-delivery abortion. Emily was instructed to return at 1 pm the following day (Wednesday) to have the abortionist kill her baby with a lethal injection of digoxin. The clinic employee explained that the abortionist would stick a needle through her abdomen. Guided by ultrasound, the abortion doctor would pierce her womb and carefully inject Digoxin into her baby's heart. Hopefully this would stop her baby’s heart and make certain that her viable infant would not be born alive. Emily would also be given pills (a stomach ulcer medication called Cytotec). She would to take some at midnight and more in the morning. Emily was told that she would have to return to the abortion clinic on Thursday morning at 9am. They would give her more Cytotec every hour, softening her cervix and inducing her labor. Emily was also told that her labor would take anywhere from 12-36 hours. Her infant would be delivered and then she could go home. (They would dispose of her baby's body.)

For some reason, Emily just couldn’t bring herself to go to the clinic on Wednesday, so when we met her, her baby was very much alive.

We met 23-year-old Emily in the driveway of Orlando Women's Center this morning. She confessed that she was there to abort her baby and had been up all night thinking about what she was about to do. She finally fell asleep at 5 am after only 2 hours of sleep. She got up to give the children breakfast, dropped them off at school, and made her way to Orlando Women’s Center. As she was driving up Columbia St. she began to sob. When she turned right onto Lucerne Terrace, she prayed, "Oh God, what am I doing? I'm such a mess! God please help me!"

We offered Emily a free ultrasound in the wonderful mobile unit generously loaned to us by Face Life which we have strategically parked directly in front of the clinic. were able to get some great views of Emily's baby. We saw the baby suck her tiny thumb and wiggle all around in her watery home. Emily laughed and said: “This baby has been kicking and kicking for the last 24 hours. I think she knows what I was planning to do.”

Emily seems to have had a genuine change of heart. We called Heritage Family Medical Practice in Kissimmee, and Emily made an appointment for tomorrow morning (Sept. 17). She needs pals big time, so if you live in the Kissimmee area, drop me a line. You will be suprised to know that most of the time no one responds to our urgent requests for friends and mentors for the pregnant women and their companions. No one. In the last month we have seen six women change their minds outside of the abortion clinic and NOT take the life of their baby. They need support, people.

I'm sad to say that three other late term abortions DID take place today in Orlando:

*14-year-old Lupe arrived with her mom. Clutching her abdomen, the teen barely made it inside the clinic before her baby was delivered into the toilet of the abortion clinic. Lupe's mom justifed the fact that she'd made her daughter kill this infant: "I know this is horrible, but my daughter is a baby herself. She only just turned 14."

*Cindy arrived with her boyfriend Brad. They refused to speak with us and wouldn't take our information packet. They casually signed in to have her labor-and-delivery abortion.

*Linda was determined to murder her viable infant. She felt lucky to live in Orlando, the city that does two thirds of all late term abortions in the state of Florida. Linda simply picked up the phone and dialed the number to the abortion clinic. They were more than happy to take her money and her child."

"...my daughter is a baby herself."

I can't imagine being 14 and pushing my dead, murdered baby out after a 36-hour labor. Losing my child in a second trimester abortion was hard enough at 24. I am emotionally devastated, scarred for life, struggling terribly to be healthy and normal after what happened. It's not easy. It may not even be possible. 14-years-old? Horrors!

The choice was between killing a child and being scarred or making an adoption plan and being scarred in a different way. Abortion the "lesser of two evils"? What was Grandma thinking? What is anyone thinking?

:: ashli 8:03 AM # ::
:: Wednesday, September 15, 2004 ::
From a link at SPRT:

"It struck me that all of these fetal children had been alive only a few short days ago. Now they lay dead and abandoned--cut from their mother's wombs, cut from the human race--the corpses of the fetal bodies stacked on a loading dock inside an industrial park, the boxes which held them marked 'for disposal.' The fetal children were castaways, far from mother, far from father, far from home. "

This is precisely what I felt the night it happened. After the novelty of being able to eat wore off (about 5 minutes after the final bite of cottage cheese and pineapple) I was empty, not full, and I somehow got the image of my twisted little child, still warm from living with me, losing that last hallmark of life alone and eviserated on a tray or in a baggy somewhere in the rotting bowels of the abortion business.

And it still kills me. It's 7 years now and I still crumple under the weight of it. A daughter I just had only confirms the personal humanity of my aborted child. A thing I did not previously know: my children look alike. And so my first now has a face, a stolen face that siblings gave back.

Oh, I see you, little one...
My baby, my baby;
I die over your ruin.

The agony of abortion is a pain I will nurse long after my other children are weaned and on their own. Embraced or destroyed, your children are yours for life.

:: ashli 8:27 AM # ::
:: Monday, September 13, 2004 ::
Last night I dreamed that I was holding little amniotic sacs in my hands. They were various sizes and reminded me of that "rubber egg" experiment where a raw egg is soaked in vinegar and the shell melts away over a period of days.

The sacs were translucent, and I saw each tiny person totally, completely and wholly vulnerable. This one at 10 weeks, that one at 13 weeks...

Four of them appeared from the void and fell gently into my open palms. In a panic I flew to my husband raising harried appeals for help. He was crystalized and frozen, a voiceless mannequin.

I juggled the children until like naked baby birds they perished one by one.

There was nothing I could do. They were gonners.

:: ashli 9:19 AM # ::
A day in the life of a "sidewalk counselor":

"We arrived at 6:15am in the 23 foot RV graciously loaned to us by FaceLife, Inc (www.FaceLife.org). Shortly after we took out our signs and fetal models and set our materials up, women and their companions began to arrive and wait at the door of the abortion clinic. When the clinicworkers opened the clinic doors at 7am, they were greeted with more than a dozen people, anxious to pay $375 and more for the disemboweling execution of their infants.

We greeted everyone respectfully and offered each person our special ministry packet. We educated each woman regarding their baby's fetal development and the beautiful alternative of adoption. We also offered every pregnant woman a free ultrasound in the comfort of our new mobile ministry unit. In the first 45 minutes of our ministry time we were able to offer life-giving alternatives to TWELVE abortion-bound women and their companions! Amazing? Not really.

We didn't need a marketing director or expensive marketing techniques. We don't need to rent a building, hire a director, pay telephone, light, or advertisting bills. All that is necessary to reach 10,000 abortion vulnerable infants and their moms every year in Orlando is a holy cadre of gentle, courageous Christians to go directly to where all of these babies are being butchered --- the four abortion clinics of Orlando! I hold in my hand the brochure from a local group that wants to form a ministry to reach women "vulnerable" to abortion in Orlando. They estimate that their expenses will total to well over $6,250 a month. Keep in mind that there are already SEVEN other crisis pregnancy centers in Seminole and Orange County. If we were to take the expenses of this one center and multiply them by seven, the total expenditure for greater Orlando's seven pregnancy care centers comes to a whopping $37,500 PER MONTH! This comes to almost half a million dollars a YEAR to keep the seven pregnancy centers operating! (Remember: Most of these centers areonly open part-time!)

I am going to tell you something that may suprise you. NONE of these pregnancy centers has ever ministered to twelve abortion-bound (women scheduled for an abortion) women in a 45 minute period of time. To be honest with you, I doubt if they have ever ministered to twelve abortion-bound women in an entire day, perhaps even in an entire week's time. Statistics show that 85% of the women who frequent crisis pregnancy centers are not necessarily abortion-minded. These women are simply seeking free services (pregnancy tests, maternity clothes, baby items). Seven burning questions keep running through my mind:

1. Why don't the ministries with a purported mission to engage in the"battle for life" GO to the local women who are about to murder their babies?

2. Why do they set up shop and wait for clients?

3. Why do they consistently and doggedly refuse to set up their centers next to abortion clinics?

4. Why do they spend thousands of dollars a month on a stationary building miles away from any of Orlando's four abortion clinics?

5. Wouldn't it be wonderful if women's pregnancy centers would become MOBILE (RV) and bring free pregnancy tests and ultrasound directly to the10,000 local women who make their way to Orlando abortion clinics every year?

6. Why do crisis pregnancy centers spend thousands of dollars a month"advertising" their centers to try and FIND abortion-vulnerable women when they can easily find 25 of them a day in front of Orlando abortion clinics?

7. What can I do to convince crisis pregnancy centers (and Christians) to change their modus operandi and be pro-active?

Sometimes after a morning of sidewalk counseling I swing by a local crisis pregnancy center. They are often just getting settled in to the center. The air conditioning is cranked up, the coffee is brewing and the popcorn popping. But something is missing. There are often NO PREGNANT WOMEN ANYWHERE IN SIGHT! I recently asked a local CPC director why they are no longer open on Saturday mornings (the biggest abortion day of the week). She explained:"Our counselors would sit there hour after hour and no one would ever come into the center."

I realized that by the time the pregnancy center opened at 9:30am we have already spent three hours counseling upwards of22 women who were scheduled for abortions! In the last month of pro-active missionary sidewalk counseling seven abortion-vulnerable infants were saved from abortion murder in Orlando. Still, many of the ten baby killing sessions per week (they do abortions 7 days a week, with two abortion times on a few of the days) at OrlandoWomen's Center have no Christian witness whatsoever. Can you tell me what's wrong with this picture?

Now, let me tell you about this morning:

"Alana & Jeremy" were easy to talk to. I walked up to their Jeep as they waited for the abortion clinic to open and introduced myself.

"Hi, my name is Patte and I have a special pre-abortion packet for you. I hope that it will help you to gain a new perspective about your pregnancy."

Alana took the packet and began to look through it. I asked Alana: "What is the number one reason why you feel that you can't have this baby rightnow?" Alana responded: "It's just not the right time." As I got to knowAlana, she shared with me that she was 10 weeks pregnant and had two children already. Being a single mom was a real challenge and she had recently lost her job. Alana was afraid that having another baby would just be too hard. I explained how she and Jeremy could choose a loving couple to adopt their baby, asking: "How does that sound to you?"Alana shook her head. "I don't think I could do that." When I asked "Why not?" Alana worried: "How would I explain all of that to my children?" I tried to help Alana work through the challenge of helping her kids understand why she would allow another mommy and daddy to raise their brother and sister. She admitted that they might be able to deal with it.

Then Alana did something that no other abortion-bound woman has ever done, she read the Health and Safety Alert (about a serious injury that occurred at Orlando Women's Center in December) from cover to cover right in front of me. Alana was really thinking. What a delight to meet abright, inquisitive mother like Alana. I spoke with the two of them for about 35 minutes. I'm blessed to share the the wonderful news that Alana and Jeremy talked privately for a few minutes after our counseling time and decided to have their baby! With a prayer and a hug I sent Alana off to breakfast with pre-natal vitamins, a book about pregnancy and a special beaded bracelet lovingly made by Christians who had been praying for the recipient!

Opportunity:If you live in the Conway area and are willing to befriend this precious mother, please contact me right away. Alana is looking forward to meeting you! I can't tell you much more about the rest of our morning counseling the dozens of women and men at Orlando's most notorious abortion clinic. (My family is waiting patiently for me to start a cook-out with friends) but here are a few highlights from converstations we had:

23 year old "Tony" boasted: "I've already killed five babies by abortion."Tony threatened me and described me in "colorful" ways. Both he and his girlfriend "Megan" tried to take my portable DVD player away. They were not successful (I've got pretty good grip.)

Pre-med student "Charmaine" casually and confidently explained: "This is something I choose to do. I understand that I might get injured ...that's okay. What's the likelihood of it happening to me anyway?"

University of Florida acting student "James" (girlfriend aborting): "Yes,I'll admit, abortion is morally wrong. Yes, we all know that it's a baby but ... It should always be legal to kill children ...Hey, if it was legal to chop a 2 year old's head off, more power to `em."

19 year old "Edwardo" (whose 16 year old girlfriend "Mimi" was having an abortion): "Hey, that's a beautiful picture!" (Said of the photo of a baby aborted at 10 weeks gestation.)

19 year old "Ralphie" (who was accompanying "Edwardo and Mimi") accepted my invitation to come inside the RV to watch a graphic abortion video called Choice Blues. After viewing the entire film, "Ralphie" described the bloody dismemberment of the babies to the women and men waiting for abortions, adding: "What I saw makes me want to become an activist."

Local pro-abortion attorney Penny Kfare Jacobs (who handles adoptions) came to the abortion clinic to register the women and men (who were waiting inside and outside for abortions) to vote. Jacobs was sporting abig "Kerry for President" button on her t-shirt. As soon as she arrived Penny quickly pulled up my Bush/Cheney sign. She was gracious enough to return the sign to me without doing any damage to it.

Teenaged "Ralphie" made a comment that I think helped everyone focus:

"I understand what you're trying to tell us. It's all about humanity."

(End of email.)

Patte's emails are always interesting. There's always something remarkable going on at the abortion business. Sometimes it's remarkable in a good way and sometimes it's extraordinarily sad, punative or even dangerous. She takes the risk to physically be where most will not go. Often she goes alone, just one single person against all that fear and hatred. She is mainly spat upon and mistreated, but every now and again she saves the heart of a mother and the world for a child.

When I think of the heroes in my life she comes immediately to mind.

:: ashli 12:37 AM # ::
:: Saturday, September 11, 2004 ::
Nobody loves me.
Everybody hates me.
I'm gonna eat some worms...

Here I go again with another unpopular opinion within the movement I love best.

I just read this article, and I have to say the purpose of SNM seems a little conflicted (or slightly diluted) to me. On the one hand they want to tell the world the truth about abortion, i.e., that it kills children and hurts moms and families. On the other hand, they want you to know that Jesus Christ heals it, baby!

I think I've said this before, but if I were a "choice" nut, and I ran an abortion clinic...
I'd hire "choice" nut clergy, set up a little on-site chapel, and distribute pamplets to my customers (yes, customers) which basically concluded that abortion kills children, hurts moms and families but Jesus Christ heals it, baby. In fact, isn't that kind of where the abortion supporters are headed lately? Obviously, they intend to beat us at our own game. But it's not a game, and Jesus Christ doesn't heal it for everyone, baby.

Jesus Christ lets at lest some people feel their pain. He lets them own it and have it, and He doesn't take it away. He doesn't heal cancer all the time, and He doesn't heal abortion-related pain all the time either. It took me a few conversations with Georgette Forney to get this new and very unpopular idea across. I give her every credit; she was the only SNM person who would even acknowledge it. The others I spoke to just treated me like an egregious pain-in-the-arse and ignored me. (The dialogue came about when I was initially required by SNM to share my pain and "healing" story before a crowd of abortion opponents and disinterested passersby.)

SNM and I finally came to an agreement: I would talk of my pain and loss as long as I threw in a few things that have helped me deal with it. Honestly, I was amazed that there was even an issue, that I was only allowed to have a voice if it had been crafted somewhat by their forum.

I didn't want to hold the "I regret my abortion" sign either. I would have gladly held a sign that said "I regret aborting my child." The logic: I went to a tattoo parlor and got a tattoo, but I didn't go to an abortion parlor and get an abortion. I don't have an abortion. I have a dead child who was ravaged by one. No one cares about this language (or what it implies) except me. Even Randy Alcorn, abortion opponent extraordinaire and author of the best anti-abortion book, Pro-Life Answers to Pro-Choice Arguments, describes "a hand taken from the discarded remains of an abortion." The hand was actually taken from the discarded remains of a child. Children have hands. Abortions are procedures and procedures don't have hands. Children are not transformed into abortions. They are transformed by abortions. I'm getting worked up. Sigh... I digress.

Back to SNM and the dual message they're spreading. I am willing to say that I understand that we should not be out to depress folks, but if truth is the campaign, I do feel that we should be allowed to have our own voices within the movement.

1. Some people feel great about dumping their kids into the garbage via abortion, and they have their forum.
2. Some people regret their SICLEs but feel hunky-dory-healed-by-Christ and they have their forum.
3. Other people regret their SICLE, love Christ as purely as they know how, and still think about crashing their car into a telephone pole 7 years after abortion. That tiny little miniscule forum?

You're looking at it.

:: ashli 9:06 AM # ::
:: Friday, September 10, 2004 ::
When I hear the song I lose it. I mean swerve-off-the-road-and-crash-into-a-telephone-pole lose it. OK, maybe I just bawl. But I bawl a whole lot. And it's unpleasant, and awful, and my son asks, "Mommy why are you crying?", and I say, "Oh Mommy's just thinking of something sad, but SAY, can you believe that Spongebob today? THAT Patrick! A riot, I tell ya!" and he's off on another track happily reciting priceless morsels such as "Where's the leak, ma'm?" and "Get a dog, little longie." (Don't watch Spongebob? Then you deserve to be left out of the conversation.)

I don't mean to bawl in front of my son, truly I don't. The song catches me off guard, and I turn it off as fast as I can. I can't listen to it. Not even alone for the purpose of a "good cry". It's too much. Much too much. I never heard it all the way through or even allowed myself to fully comprehend the lyrics until a few minutes ago when it became a subject with a friend, and I found the lyrics. Here they are:

How Could I Ask For More?
Cindy Morgan

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand

Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground

Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise

So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more?

And that's it. That's everything... everything I wanted for my first child. Those were my hopes and dreams for my precious little one. All dashed. All gone. Destroyed.

"Life is real, life is earnest and the grave is not its goal..." (Longfellow)

This life has meaning. Meaning. Would God provide it otherwise?

There are other melodies, but ah, this song...
When I hear the song
I lose it.

:: ashli 11:13 AM # ::
:: Thursday, September 09, 2004 ::
Why are we doing this to our children? Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Anything is better than this.

:: ashli 9:36 AM # ::
:: Monday, September 06, 2004 ::
Regarding the abortion business post two posts down, a reader wrote:

"I notice that they rely on that horrendous Corrintha Rebecca Bennett pamphlet, 'Finding Your Own Truth,' which even the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice expunged from its website."

Mock the pamphlet here.

:: ashli 12:33 AM # ::
Raddy-O Daddy-O!
Super news regarding the punkin with three 21's.
(If you have an extra chromosome there's more of you to love!)

:: ashli 12:02 AM # ::
:: Sunday, September 05, 2004 ::
I don't normally provide links to abortion businesses because I never want to advertise for them. However, I stumbled across a few whopping examples of how abortion deception works and had to blog-it-all. So, here goes my ad...

"24 Weeks (6 months) pregnant? No problem. Kill your baby in the third trimester in 15 minutes or less."

Now, I thought women's choices were sovereign to the abortion-supporter and not to be questioned. But notice that in this "menu" they treat the abortion-minded mom like she has made up her mind. They don't mention any alternatives to abortion; they only talk about abortion. Yet for birth-minded moms they mention a few happinesses but go into many inflated and strategically-placed negatives and provide a section on abortion that is much longer than the section on adoption. I.e.: "You think you're ready to have a baby, but you're not." (On their "workbook" site, notice that the "Yes, I'm ready to have a baby" link is the same as the "I don't know if I'm ready to have a baby" link. Pretty damning.)

The "workbook" is formulated to appear unbiased, but it really isn't at all. It's crafted to scare the living daylights out of already terrified moms and send them running into the stirrups.

It gets worse.

Here they say that the Bible says a "good woman" is one who manages her life wisely, and they insinuate that abortion can be part of that "wise management". They make no mention of that pesky "Thou shalt not kill" commandment in there. And furthermore, they list a variety of religions and supposedly none of them oppose abortion. You won't be surprised that Catholics for Free Choice is presented as the official interpreter of Vatican doctrine.

Interestingly, they talk about "healing" rituals after and even during abortion, and these types of ceremonies are found in both the abortion-minded and birth-minded/undecided "workbooks". I don't know why. They say most women feel relieved, and only a few women feel sad.

RU486 Sample Ritual:
"Many women are creating their own rituals to help them deal with their feelings around ending a pregnancy. This can involve others, or not, as you wish.

The Night Before...
The night before you go to the doctor's, or before you take the medicine, draw a bath and sprinkle the water with a few rose petals or herbs. As you soak, notice how much you want to do the right thing for your life. Let your heart fill with love and wish for a peaceful separation of the spirit within you from your own. Collect the petals and let them dry out. Write down any thoughts or feelings you have.

Day 2 or 3...
When you take the misoprostol (the second medication), light a 24-hour candle. (Also called Memorial Candles, they are in a glass jar, available at most supermarkets.) As the candle burns, the process of passing the pregnancy will continue. Sometimes it will be painful, sometimes you will relax or sleep. At other times you may feel sad or even cry. See the path you are on continuing, but the path of the pregnancy (spirit/baby) going in another direction.

When the candle has finished burning think about how you feel. Are you at peace? If not, what is still troubling you? Think about what that is and write it down on a piece of paper. When you feel ready, gather the rose petals together with any messages or writings you have and either burn them, or bury them or cast them on a body of water. Remember your good intentions at the beginning of this process."

Yes, remember your "good intentions", Mother, because that is all you will have to keep you warm at night as you dream of holding your dying baby in your hand.

I'm nearly finished.

The abortionists' site repeatedly refers to gestating children as "the pregnancy", but in the section on adoption they ask the pregnant mother: "What are your hopes or dreams for this child?" And in the fetal development section they describe the 24-week, 2-pound fetus' "body fat". Umm... so basically, we have a third trimester abortion business telling us that a woman's body isn't the only one involved in "choice".

The site contains myriad fodder, but I'm exhausted, so LASTLY...

Here's my all-time favorite on the site:

"Abortion is a kind of killing. The embryo or fetus is living within the woman´s body, and it is removed by the abortion. Most people do not believe that killing an embryo or fetus is the same as killing a born person. Is there a difference between killing and murder? Is having an abortion like killing a 2 or 3 year old child, or like killing a friend of yours? Can you kill and still love that person or thing?”

Well, free Mark David Chapman, because evidently, "all you need is love" to kill, not murder, a person.

I seem to be having a nightmare.
Someone please wake me.

:: ashli 2:59 AM # ::
:: Saturday, September 04, 2004 ::
I like this:

(Turn down your sound if you don't want to hear any noise.)


Click here to skip the intro:

Stand up, Girl!

:: ashli 10:53 PM # ::
In your face, Planned Parenthood and ACLU! Florida parents WILL get a chance to decide whether or not they should be notified when their underaged daughter is opting for abortion. PP and ACLU, of course, didn't want this to even go to vote. They don't want parents involved in abortion decisions, because they know that this has typically lowered the abortion rate by as much as a third.

PP and the ACLU claim that they are against parental involvement because of the itty-bitty small minority of girls whose parents will abuse them if they find out about a pregnancy, but there's no logic in throwing the majority of young girls to the wolves.

PP and the ACLU fear that most parents want to know when their child is undergoing surgery, and they want to have a say in it. I have also heard abortion-supporting parents say that they would want to know so that they could help to hand-pick the abortionist that kills their grandchild. So, if it's "good" for everyone, why does PP oppose even a vote on this measure?

Anything that reduces abortion by a whopping third is not good for business.

Well, too bad. PP has been feeding, unhindered, on Florida's children for far too long. We get a say; the vote is coming soon!

C'mon, Florida. Do the right thang!

:: ashli 5:22 PM # ::
:: Friday, September 03, 2004 ::
"The legislature needs to protect unborn babies from the gross negligence of a few bad doctors."

Sigh... Do I really live in an era where nearly half of the nation still believes that the world is flat? C'mon! We've got 4D sonograms of 12-week-old babies walking around in the womb, yet we're aborting them well into the third trimester and denying personhood to full-term infants over a measley puff of air?!

WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

:: ashli 2:13 PM # ::
Go, Zell! Democrat Miller sees the light.

:: ashli 1:51 PM # ::
:: Wednesday, September 01, 2004 ::
In reference to my August 29 post on liberals and their lack of respect, a New York resident wrote:

"The problem with Republicans is that they have too much respect . . . they're letting fanatical pro-choicers like Giuliani, McCain and Schwarzenegger give prime time speeches."


:: ashli 11:47 AM # ::

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