:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Monday, September 13, 2004 ::

Last night I dreamed that I was holding little amniotic sacs in my hands. They were various sizes and reminded me of that "rubber egg" experiment where a raw egg is soaked in vinegar and the shell melts away over a period of days.

The sacs were translucent, and I saw each tiny person totally, completely and wholly vulnerable. This one at 10 weeks, that one at 13 weeks...

Four of them appeared from the void and fell gently into my open palms. In a panic I flew to my husband raising harried appeals for help. He was crystalized and frozen, a voiceless mannequin.

I juggled the children until like naked baby birds they perished one by one.

There was nothing I could do. They were gonners.

:: ashli 9:19 AM # ::

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