:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

:: Monday, June 30, 2003 ::

Examples of how "choice" abandons women:

Example one...
Read how an "anti-abortion" advocate does absolutely nothing to stop the abortion of his child (save for offering to pay for it), and then totally absolves himself from any responsibility to his child and the woman he impregnated. Read also how he reminds the mother over and over again (around 7 times to be exact) that it was HER decision alone.

In the piss-poor, cop-out comment of the century, this politically visible, "pro-life" activist says he has "respect for life" but that he's not "strict" about that respect and makes "judgement calls". (I guess when it's your "inconvenient" kid it's wrong, but when it's his kid break out the Hoover.)

Example two...
Here's a comment from correspondence between a man and his girlfriend after another "choice" was made:

"You made the choice, now deal with it yourself. You can't have your cake and eat it too."

At first glance you might think another one bit the dust, but this mother gave birth to her chid (after being extremely pressured and being driven to four late term abortion clinics by the baby's daddy). After the baby was born the father alternated between thinking his daughter was the best thing in the world and expressing that he resented the hell out of the mama for not aborting her in the late second trimester. Eventually, he abandoned the mother and is in the process of being forced by the state of Florida to properly care for his child financially.

This may be a frightening example of how a boyfriend's threat of abandonment holds true if the girlfriend has the child, but when the girlfriend prior to this relationship aborted their child (at his insistance) he didn't hang around for very long.

The girlfriend who chose not to abort her child now has legal ties with this man for the next 18 years whereas the ex-girlfriend who aborted was "dumped in the trash" after the abortion. The girl who chose life has a living, loving baby with her daddy's nose and other attractive features. She reminds her mother of the good things about the father and the relationship.

As the mother commented, "She was the only good thing that came from such a horrible relationship. It's liberating knowing it wasn't all for nothing." The ex-girlfriend who aborted received deep emotional pain as her parting gift and must ever live with the weight of the baggage that destroying her own child created.

One girlfriend chose life and one girlfriend "chose" death. One nurses a cooing little daughter while the other nurses emptiness and despair. Both of them are abandoned by the father of their children, because as he believes (and as America has confirmed) it was their choice ALONE.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:33 AM # ::
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Who would want a child like that?

:: ashli 10:17 AM # ::
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Another excerpt (with permission):

"I had decided to go to [the abortion clinic] because they were the only ones that would accept my mother's credit card over the phone and that would take me the next day.

Once I arrived I was told to wait in the waiting room until someone called. 2 minutes later they did. The receptionist handed me a clipboard which had the following documents: a release form, consent form, a form which, in medical terms, explained what different procedures they offered. The release form had a space where I was to sign once I received "counseling." I took the unsigned form up to the receptionist to ask her about it. She advised me to just sign it and a counselor would speak to me later.

About five minutes later a voice came over the intercom instructing five other girls and I to come to the receptionists area. Once there, we were escorted to the back of the clinic where we each waited for a sonogram. From that point we were given a blood test to see if we tested Rh negative. After the blood test I was given a Valium and told to wait in the next room for my name to be called.

Shortly thereafter, a girl came back to the room and called my name and I told her I wasn't ready. She called the next girl and the next and the next until finally it was just me. When she came in again I told her that I still wasn't ready and she said that they were going to be leaving soon and closing so I needed to hurry. I said OK and asked if I could go to the restroom. She said fine. I went, came out, and found her and one other girl standing there in front of the door. They asked if I was ready again, and I said yes. They brought me to the operating room where I was instructed to remove my underwear and put my feet in the stirrups while they went to get the doctor. I removed my underwear, sat on the table, and placed my feet in the stirrups. About ten seconds later the two girls came back with a man who told me his name and asked me to lie back. I did. One girl came up beside me and took my hand and the doctor instructed me to bring myself closer to him. He then inserted his finger in me and placed a hand on my stomach to feel the position of my uterus. Next, he inserted a speculum.

At that point I told them that I didn't want to do this. He ignored me and continued to apply antiseptic while telling the girl holding my hand to give me the gas. She put the mask on my face, I felt a sharp pain in my vagina, and she leaned over and told me that he was numbing my cervix. I started crying hysterically and tried to tell them again to stop. The doctor leaned over me, put his face about four inches from mine and told me to stop crying because my snot was clogging up the mask and I wouldn't get any gas. I then threw off the mask and screamed at him that I didn't want to do this. I then heard a loud sound and again asked them to stop and tried to move. The girl then informed me that the pregnancy was interrupted. I felt it. I felt the suction, I heard the sound when it made contact with my baby's body. That was it.

From the moment they entered the room until he left carrying the metal pan that contained my child's torn body it took about five minutes.

I sat up, crying loudly telling them I wanted to leave and they said I couldn't. One of the girls then took my arm, told me to pick up my clothing and took me into another room where 4 girls where sitting on heating pads. She tried to get me to sit down, I didn't want to and told her again I wanted to leave. She told the woman in the room to prepare an early release. I tore off the gown and put on my clothes. The girl in the room told me to sit down and wait. I asked if I could get my boyfriend who was in the next room, and they said I couldn't. I asked to use the phone, and they said no. She then asked me to sit next to her and sign the papers that were before me, which I did. I then got up and went to where my boyfriend was waiting and we left."

So much for "choice".

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 4:15 PM # ::
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Why are most women pro-life? Because we are learning about it through first hand experience.

Abortion happens to our bodies, ourselves, and WE ARE GETTING SICK OF IT!

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 1:48 PM # ::
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Abortion is when a woman kills herself and lives to tell about it.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:29 AM # ::
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Is the womb half empty or half full?

Perusing the Alan Gut-maker (Guttmacher) Institute's website for some bit of pertinent information, I came across a very interesting fact:

Half of all unplanned pregnancies end in abortion.

Of course you realize that this means half of all unplanned pregnancies are carried to term. So why does "unplanned" equate "unwanted" in a country where 50% of us were unplanned and yet wanted?

I guess it all depends on what kind of person you are and how you look at things.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 2:50 AM # ::
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Abortion supporters remind the nation that behind every abortion there's a story. Well, I just heard one from another "liberated" woman tonight. She granted me permission to post an anonymous excerpt. For over a year, only three people have known about this. You are getting a privileged glimpse inside the cell of a grieving mom...

"I told my dad two days after it had happened. I told him and then he left work and picked me up and took me back to the clinic. The whole drive there I kept telling myself that my dad was going to fix this; he would take me back there and they would see him and somehow this could be undone. We arrived at the clinic and after some short drama in the receptionist area the owner took us to a room. My dad did all the talking at first. I couldn't stop crying. I asked her if I was still pregnant. She had my file in her hands. She looked through the papers and told me that I wasn't still pregnant, that 70 grams of tissue had been removed, and that there was no chance. My dad started to ask her why the doctor hadn't stopped when I asked him to. A little piece of paper fell to the floor. It was my sonogram picture. I reached to grab it. "It doesn't belong to you," she told me. I started screaming and screaming. My dad made her give it to me. I stared at the picture and couldn't stop screaming. My dad tried to calm me down telling me that everything was OK. Everything wasn't OK. He made me give her the picture back after she promised she would make a copy. A copy? Why can't I have my baby's picture? She told me that it didn't belong to me. She came back with the copy and that is all I have.

After that, sanity went south and crazy staked it's claim. The picture became everything to me. I still keep it next to my bed."

Another satisfied customer.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 12:25 AM # ::
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Well, Blogger seems to have changed everything, and I can't figure out my font, so get out your magnifying glasses; I'm about to blog...

So Roe was thrown out. Not surprising. However, after 30 years of legalized abortion 1 in 4 women knows the pain and the tide seems to be changing. Staunch abortion supporters (who, in the 70's, were old enough to be fighting for your right to kill your child) maintain that women today have gotten wishy washy and lax on the issue because we have been pampered and spoiled by abortion. It pisses them off that they worked "so hard" for us and we just don't seem to appreciate it.

This is what they won me:
a dead child
7 years of tears (so far)
post traumatic stress disorder
inability to work
marriage difficulties
difficulties with mothering my living child
neglected health care (I HATE gyne exams now, so I don't schedule them.)
sleep deprivation
nightmares
an incompetent cervix
clinical depression
an increased risk of breast cancer

Who wouldn't appreciate all that? And I think that's the point.

The biggest thing working against the abortion movement isn't those pesky "pro-lifers"- it's abortion. Millions more will go through it before it finally ends, millions more will learn the truth the hard way. And maybe they'll tell a friend, and they'll tell a friend, and they'll tell a friend. I personally know many SICLE moms who have made it a point to drive home a truth campaign with their own daughters.

Legalized abortion will eventually end, because slogans and lies only last so long. I dare say it won't come in my lifetime, but I have too much respect for women not to believe that they will eventually get sick of the abandonment and death of legalized abortion.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:19 PM # ::
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"Roe" (Norma McCorvey) of Roe v. Wade is trying to overturn her law. Sarah Weddington, the abortion fanatic who represented "Roe" in the 70's case, has this to say:

"The chances of [Roe's new case] getting to the Supreme Court are so small that we might as well talk about the moon falling out of the sky first," Weddington said. "The only thing I can imagine is that Norma McCorvey hasn't been getting much publicity lately and was out to get some."

There are two possible explanations for Weddington's comments:

1. She is scared out of her socks.
2. She is completely out of touch with reality.

To claim that this is an individual publicity stunt is irrational when you consider the 1,000 women who sent in their notarized testimonies in an effort to join Norma in overturning Roe v. Wade. However, sometimes unethical people will make suggestions that they know are not true in order to convince others that they are. They believe that if they say it enough people will begin to believe it. It's an old advertising trick that actually works on some. Weddington may be functioning on this level.

Another possibility is that Weddington honestly believes nothing can touch Roe v. Wade. This is a little silly considering the fate of other "untouchable" laws such as those having to do with slavery. Surely Weddington realizes that technology is just a tad more advanced than it was in the 70's, and the question of when life begins has been answered by science. It's time for a review of Roe v. Wade because it's outdated cruelty that is detrimental to all of society.

The beginning of human life has been established, and our constitution says every human being has the fundamental right to life. In fact it's the very first right listed. Conversely, there is nothing anywhere in the constitution that affirms or defends the so-called "fundamental right" to revoke someone else's right to life. That would be a blatant contradiction.

It's amazing that abortion advocates have gotten away with it for so long, but their time is coming to an end.

Don't look now, Sarah - the sky is falling.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 5:03 PM # ::
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It's nearly 3 AM, and I can't sleep because I'm preoccupied with the grief of losing my first child in an abortion nearly 7 years ago. Emily's blog pointed me to a site that pointed me to a paper by Frederica Mathewes-Green.

In describing an attitude many mothers have about abortion and pregnant daughters, Mathewes-Green refers to involuntary corsetting, infibulation and foot binding to illustrate other abusive attitudes.

When I was researching these practices I was surprised to come across websites of women who are proud to engage in these practices voluntarily . The corsetting link features a woman who has deformed her waste to 14". Notice whose idea it was. On a female circumcision site a man rewarded his partner with praise for "having her hood removed". Women maim themselves to gain a man's approval, and men use abortion to victimze women (and free themselves from a lasting relationship with them).

A imprisoned foot, a jailed waist, an amputated body part... abortion seems as liberating.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 3:56 AM # ::
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The monster is back. That's right, the book I wrote came back from the first edit. I can't tell you how much better life was without it around, but here it is again, that gnarled old reappearing monkey paw, killing me softly.

I'm off the air until I can get it out of my house again. It's a giant cockroach that I will be frantically shooing away with an industrial sized broom (Lion's Club variety; $25 purchase price). I will dispose of it as quickly as I can and be back shortly to make all 6 of my readers miserable again with the daily drudgery of my uber depressing SICLE.

Until then try not to get too comfortable in the happiness of my absence.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 1:18 AM # ::
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Quick news blurb:

Disney and American Express have been removed from Life Decisions International's boycott list for ceasing their financial support of Planned Parenthood.

I don't know if Disney will ever really be able to make it off my personal list of resentment for that unbelievably deceitful movie they put out about abortion (The Cider House Rules), but because they stopped PP donations I'm going to write them (and AE) and thank them. I'll also inform them that because they stopped participating in PP abortions I'm going to stock up on Disney DVDs. And I will too! Partly to encourage Disney and partly to rack up many Disney movies as I can before they are caught screwing up again and I have to resume the boycott. For now it's suspended, and I'm going to see Finding Nemo and planning a trip to Disney World in the fall.

Everyone who reads this should write Disney and AE a quick "Thanks for stopping your financial support of Planned Parenthood," note. I tried to find out who to contact, and here's what I came up with:

Mr. Michael Eisner, CEO
Walt Disney Company
500 South Buena Vista St.
Burbank, CA 91521

Executive Offices
American Express Company
200 Vesey Street
New York, NY 10285
212.640.2000

Hand written, snail mail notes are considered to be more effective than email. Go to the post office and buy yourself a stack of prepaid post cards so you can always have them handy when you want to zing off a quick note to a legislator or a company.

Let's pester the hell out of those who seek to do harm and likewise praise those who cease to do harm.

Strength in numbers.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 10:32 AM # ::
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Democrats for Life of America has been trying to get a link on the Democratic National Committee's web site, but it hasn't happened thusfar. They have been irked and maybe semi-shocked to discover that they have been discriminated against and oppressed by their own party. Welcome to my world. I used to be a raving Democrat until I lost a child in an abortion and actually experienced what we had been fighting for. When I looked to my own people for explanation and emotional assistance I got shut out as succinctly as Democrats for Life. Abortion and abortion-worshipping Democrats (see "PETAphiles") were exposed for what they were and I removed myself from the party as swiftly as I could.

This Republican belongs to a very grassroots local organic co-op. I used cloth diapers (and even cloth wipes) on the one child who by some miracle made it out of my womb alive. I nursed him for just a tad over two years (whenever and wherever I felt like it). I recycle my head off and was overwhelmed with fascinated pride the first time I saw my toddler literally go up to a tree and hug it. But if we're going to choose sides here, and abortion is the dividing line, I will never choose a tree over a child. Someone was incredulous at this attitude once and informed me that without trees all of humanity would perish. But the truth is, no one will ever kill all the trees because mankind knows it would be suicide and he cares too much about himself. No one will ever kill all the children either, so if the choice is between millions of trees and millions of children, this granola-eating, nature-lovin' hippy is going to personally clear a forest Paul Bunyan style.

So the pro-D&C DNC won't play fair? To the Democrats for Life I say, if they make you choose then choose. We've got plenty of life-embracing room over here on the Republican side, and we'd be pleased as punch to have you.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:09 AM # ::
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Around six years ago, a friend of mine already had a couple of kids (one of whom has William's syndrome) when she and her husband were surprised by an unplanned pregnancy. They decided to abort, and the opportunity for unplanned joy was replaced with a deep and lasting sadness. We met on an online message board in an AOL Women's Forum entitled "Abortion" for women who have aborted.

This board was rife with the usual disturbing sentiment found on boards of that nature, and any deviation from it meant insta-flame. Of course I deviated. When people told me "It was the best thing at the time," I argued. "NO IT WASN'T!" I'd say. "I could have done better!" Although that kind of thing was not welcome there, your mailbox would really fill up with the vilest vitriol imaginable if you talked about your baby. "I miss my baby," I would say. "I can't believe I had my child torn apart in a D&E! I just found out what a D&E is, and it's the worst thing imaginable and it happened to my baby! I just want to crawl under a rock and cry and cry forever." Boom, the mailbox would fill up with, "You're sick, you pathetic lunatic. Get some professional help and stop tormenting and judging everyone else on this board who has dealt with their abortion in a healthy manner." In the midst of the hate mail one sender wrote to commiserate: "I know how you feel." Paydirt.

What followed were years of emails based on the central theme that we slaughtered our kids (yeah, I said "slaughtered") and were so filled to the brim with grief and loss that we didn't have the energy to pretend that what occurred was only a neat little "termination". We couldn't even muster the usual "It really was the best we could do at the time." We were and are realists for whom such notions aren't good enough because of the nagging little fact that they are hollow and untrue. (Of course this isn't all we talk about. Our lush landscape of grief is dotted with exploding mines of imprecation for crap-selling shysters on eBay.) This girl is a rare bird, and while I am dreadfully sorry that she lost her child in an abortion, I thank God that I feel less alone at the bottom of this black and endless pit.

Now that I have introduced her, here's an excerpt from a recent email:

"I have abandoned everything. I just sort of shut off everything except breathing. I quit my hospital job of 10 years and let my education go to shit. I've been pretty much living this way for 3 years. No matter how much agony and suffering and pain, God is just not going to allow me to go back and redo. It just doesn't seem right. Finding out how proactive you've been just makes me feel like extra crap. Whilst you've been writing books and campaigning, I've been submissively tending to basic chores of life maintenance and letting everything else rot."

My response:

"If you feel like you should be doing something then do something. If you feel like "doing something" would kill you and ruin your family then just keep breathing. I don't feel special. I LOATHE the pro-life movement [half as much as I loathe the "pro-choice" movement]. I hate being active in it. I hate having this fight, because the more I learn about what is going on with abortion and laws the more it freaks me out. It's bad, bad, bad and changing anything is hard, hard, hard. That testifying stuff at the capitol messed me up for a couple of weeks too. My son suffered for that. It was awful. There he was at the capitol being forced to act like a 4-year-old 30-year-old, and when he got tired of sitting in the same room with the same toys and he started yelling, I left the trial, went outside and spanked him, and then went into the bathroom and fell apart realizing that here I was making my child pay for what I did to his sibling. It was an awful moment, and I vowed I would never put him in that particular situation again. Five seconds later I had to walk into a televised room full of people and spill my guts to abortion supporters who, like the old me, just didn't give one crap about me or any of my children - living or dead. I have to put up with a lot of pro-life BS too. Insensitive comments from people who have and have not aborted children. Being "proactive" isn't glamorous, and it may not even be all that healthy for me or my family. There are certain things that are very crucial to me, things I need to get done before I leave this earth. If I wasn't "proactive" I don't know what would become of me. I would just sit here wringing my hands with nothing to do about it, and eventually I'd start eyeballing my wrists. I think ultimately I do it to stay alive. Not everyone needs that.

Go back and read my post about being a slave. That's how I feel. I don't feel that I'm doing anything of my free will. I'd rather not be compelled to do it. I wish I had made a better choice, so I could be my old happy self and just "fight" for YOUR right to abort YOUR baby while I didn't know squat about it, didn't really care about you or your kid, secretly thought you were horrible and going to hell and continued to focus on important things like where my family is going to spend our happy annual vacation with no regrets keeping me up at night. Ahhhh, I miss that bastard life."

Though our circumstances differ, our feelings about our SICLEs are similar enough that we posses a certain synchronicity which enables us to understand one another without the usual lengthy explanations. We have long held the sad but true motto: "It's nice to have a friend in hell."

KLH, this blog's for you.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:04 AM # ::
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I have already received feedback re: the View From The Sidewalk idea, and there is worry that this is no longer a "safe" place where women can come and grieve and relate. There is concern that the VFTS is going to be a religious platform for a certain "unqualified" individual to spew forth blue-faced "right wing" sermons. I neglected to mention that the VFTS writer has met the prerequisite: she has lost a child in an abortion.

Women with SICLEs often carry a set of rules with them that they don't even know about. One set of rules may relate to pregnant women (as I've discussed in the past). Another set of rules may apply to people who want to broach the subject of abortion with women who've lost children by it. I experience it myself. I tend to resent non-SICLE people who try to "help" me with my SICLE.

When we were doing all that Women's Health and Safety Act stuff at the capitol, there was a group of us fighting for the bill to pass. Many of us had SICLEs, and at one point I asked one of the more vocal people if she had lost a child in an abortion but she replied that she had not. I thought, "Well, what the hell do you know about it then." Turns out she's some kind of director for some crisis pregnancy center. I know the director of another crisis pregnancy center in my area, and she doesn't have a SICLE either.

I still think it's kind of nuts for people to place themselves in "distinguished" positions of helping people "heal" from something they have no clue about. And they can attend as many seminars and conferences as they want, but they will never have a clue, and people like me will never accept their "help". It would be like a white guy telling a black guy how to heal from the pain of prejudice. "What the hell do you know about it?" the black guy might ask. The white guy is lucky he doesn't get a punch in the mouth when he says, "Well, I've attended a few seminars and read a book on it, so let me tell you how you should deal with your pain."

(And don't even get me started on SICLE-less abortion advocates who demand that women be allowed to experience a hell they know nothing about and refuse to educate themselves on. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!")

In the entire 7 year history of my hated, hated SICLE, there has only been one non-SICLE person who I can stand to listen to on the subject of my own pain: Theresa Burke. I don't know what it is about her. She's listened to hundreds (if not thousands) of SICLE accounts, but I know other people who have placed themselves in abortion's confessionals and who still don't have a clue. I'm stumped, but I have to admit she's the only one on the outside I can talk and listen to.

Theresa wrote a book called Forbidden Grief. It talks about how society does not allow women to grieve children they lose in abortion, and I appreciate the validation, because it's so true. The personal stories are also very valuable because they let you know you are not alone. There are other people who have to live with horrible flashbacks and tremendous loss for the rest of their days just like you. However, I felt the stories were hand-picked to present the ol' hackneyed idea that "Everyone who aborts eventually finds healing." You see it in all the abortion "healing" videos/books: the horrible abortion story, the tragic aftermath and then, out of the midst of the dark and thundering clouds, healing descends on a warm, bathing ray of singing sunshine. Boom, your cookie-cutter abortion experience. This population of women may be overrepresented. In the very least, the population of women like me is underrepresented.

The fact is, not everyone who aborts a child hurts and not everyone heals. All our demands and representations will never change that.

At any rate (and I always know I have rambled when I say that), Patte is "one of us", and it has been my experience that most anti-abortion activists are.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 9:19 AM # ::
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Lots to cover in today's blab.

First, I would like to convey my utter disgust regarding the media's constant insistence upon referring to Conner Peterson as "the boy who was to be named Conner." First, he may have been "to be born" but he wasn't "to be named". His parents had already chosen his name and conferred it upon him. Does anyone out there think that Laci referred to her son as "my baby to be named Conner"? It's ridiculous.

Second, if the phrase is a ploy by the liberal media to keep America "in her place" by continuing to detract from the humanity of the little ones (see "fetuses" in Latin), then it's idiotic to, in the same sentence, call "the boy who was to be named Conner" a boy. The fact that Conner is a person is so true that the liberal media can't even maintain their own nasty charade with any consistency. It's pretty revealing.

With that out of the way I would like to say that I realize that my blog is depressing. It is not fashioned to be so, but simply is due to the nature of the SICLE I live with. I take this literally as an online journal. This is my Dear Diary. I put thoughts and feelings in here that I'm not "allowed" to share with others in my life.

When you lose a child in an abortion you're not allowed to grieve. If you do the general sentiment is "Shut up and take the medicine you asked for in the first place." The "pro-choice" sentiment is "Just shut up." The "pro-life" sentiment is "Just give it to Jesus, be healed... and then shut up." So, this is where I go because I can. I write to unload, not to entertain. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but I can't be criticized for writing my feelings in my own personal journal. This isn't a newspaper; I'm not getting paid to maintain a snappy balance of happy, uplifting thoughts with a few lulls thrown here and there. I'm not working off of any formula. These are my thoughts and feelings and that is all.

My responsibility in the Cell is to me and not to the reader. If you're stopping by, my window shade is up and you're catching me disrobing; I'm not wearing a garter or doing a strip tease for you. This is the ugly, messy, nose-picking nakedness - not the polished, cellulite-less sexy naked jig that playfully disappears behind a pink froo-froo shower curtain.

I just wanted to get this out of the way, because I have been told that my blog is "difficult" to read (because it's so depressing). It has been suggested that if I throw a couple of upbeat posts in here and there everyone could feel all warm and squishy at least some of the time and I might draw more readers. I would like more readers; I wish I could shout to the world how I feel about what happened, but the blog isn't about fashioning a formula to reel readers in. It may be an unpopular notion, but this isn't a Hallmark movie on channel 3. This is the sucky side of life... and the Cell is the only place I can go and talk about my daily struggle with killing a 15 week old baby who I wanted very much. I'm not allowed to show my crazy anywhere else. This is where it goes. This is where it concentrates. My little boy gets all the happy I can muster but not you. I won't pretend here.

That unpleasantness aside, I've decided to try something. I know someone who sidewalk counsels, that is, she stands outside of the abortion clinic where I killed my child in a second trimester abortion, and she tries to offer other options to the mothers who are trodding off towards death. She has a tendency sometimes to be upbeat even though she subjects herself to much humiliation on a weekly basis. While I do not personally agree with all of her religious sentiments or methods, she has 110% of my respect.

This woman has balls the size of Texas for getting up and going to the front line and "waiting tables at the last chance cafe". She is spit on and reviled, physically abused and hated... and cherished by every mom who actually listened to her long enough to know they had to get the hell out of there with their kids and their own self-respect intact.

She was there when I walked into that business with a child who checked in but didn't check out. I hated her guts at the time, because I believed everything the media (and my teachers) taught me about abortion and people who opposed it outside of abortion clinics. Who did she think she was? I was so sick. I was "allowed" to get out of that illness, and "it wouldn't hurt" because I had a good reason. (This is your brain on severe dehydration and malnutrition.) After I actually went through it and it was no longer a hypothetical situation that I knew nothing (but somehow felt "strongly") about, I realized that out of family and friends and even a husband who wouldn't stand up for the baby, this one stranger stood up and said, "I care about your kid; I stand for you." Somehow we got in contact. I don't even remember how.

I got to know her. I saw her in action a couple of times. It was interesting, and afterwards I gave her my run-down, my critique. "You guys need to do this, cut that out, try this and do that without all the other stuff." She said, "Fine, let me know how it goes at your local abortion clinic and let us know what works so we can do it then." In that one sentence she called me on my hypocrisy, told me to stuff it, and I knew that even though I didn't agree with everything about her approach I'd love her pretty much forever. She cared about my child when no one else did. She cared enough to get up off her comfortable couch and come to a friggin abortion clinic and try to rescue me as I stumbled blindly towards death. She was there. I can't say that of my doctors or friends or family or virtually anyone else. Good Lord, I can't even say it of myself.

So, what I've decided I'm going to do to break things up a little is to bring in her perspective on what it is like to be your classic "pro-life lunatic" who stands outside of an abortion clinic doing battle with death and indifference. I want to give her a voice and the reader a break from me. Hopefully she will contribute to this blog once a week. She'll have stories that will curl your hair and warm your heart. Never a dull moment on the sidewalk. Her first contribution is mild and uplifting and many will appreciate it. Please remember that her posts are her posts. I may not necessarily agree with everything she says, and she may not necessarily agree with everything I say in the blog. It's not about that. It's about voice, and this is hers...

A View From The Sidewalk:

"1 June, 2003

I was talking to my husband Scott this morning as we hiked around these mountains. I said: "One of the things I find difficult is continuing to believe that God is really GOOD." Scott said: "Yes, I know. It's hard to understand why He seems to let so much wickedness go unpunished." I added: "Yeah, AND add that to the fact that He ALLOWS the wickedness in the first place."

It's a fact: Life is filled with injustice. God is an enigma. He is UNKNOWABLE. We understand a BIT about Him, but there remains so much mystery.

One thing that helps me a LOT . . . it's seeing the dear friends who come with me to reach out to the women and men and abortion staff. Pushing past apathy, laziness, the desire for sleep and pleasant company, they make their way to the front of the abortion clinic. Instead of sweet dreams, breakfast out with a friend, or cuddling under the covers with a grandbaby, they choose to face the mocking and obscenities in searing heat and pouring rain. These gentle but determined Christians push past their selfishness and withstand the gnawing doubts and assaults of the world, the flesh and the devil. They pray like children for the strength and the love and the sense of purpose to leave the calm for the whirlwind. THAT'S what fills me with hope and renews my certainty about HIS goodness, knowing that there are still tender hearts and muscular spirits and people who care about people. People with a faith that is ALIVE!

I figure that God made these precious souls whom I love and so it is only reasonable to deduct that He wants beauty and goodness and truth to not only survive, but THRIVE in the desert of this life.

Patte"

She's currently writing from the mountains on vaction. If anyone deserves a holiday, it's her.

SICLECell@hotmail.com

:: ashli 11:00 AM # ::
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