:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Wednesday, March 16, 2005 ::

Going through something lately. Think it was triggered by sending the book off to the publisher. Dunno. It's a little weird even for me. Lots of desperation, flashbacks, moments of horrible reality. Depression is camping out on my doorstep. ("How can you tell?") Haha, very funny. Yeah, I know I'm secretly sad all the time. Still... this is different. More in-my-face. Every flippin' moment of the day it's vaseline glass in a blacklight setting, and nothing can touch it. Always on, live at 5. Not even kidding myself that everything is fine. It's not. An unspeakable horror took place and I can't get away from it.

Some of the old feelings resurface while driving... hey, telephone pole, you're lookin' mighty inviting today! Ridiculous. I am NOT going to end up a crumpled wad of biology on the side of the road. I REFUSE.

Wait... did I just say "I am NOT going to end up a crumpled wad of biology"???


I found myself on the kitchen floor last night, after the kids had gone to bed, listening to the same song over and over again for about an hour or so. I really felt like a good cry. I can't remember the last time I deluged. But I didn't. I just sucked and listened obsessively to the song.

There are moments like these.

:: ashli 7:17 PM # ::

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