:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Saturday, July 31, 2004 ::

It's 5 AM and I am not sleeping. I have been awake since yesterday morning. The house is black and still. I am alone in all the world. I stumble upon Billy Joel's Goodnight, My Angel, and I am dying. I perish in my heart and soul.

I call to mind the faces of my son and little daughter. I know their every freckle, every nuance. They make me see. To the forefront comes my first child and then fading, fading away.

In sibling shadows I visage my first, and thoughts of how deeply s/he was wounded flicker dangerously about. Like oil through a sieve they deluge all at once and disappear. I can't catch them in a cup or I will cease to exist.

Momentary notions of Planned Parenthood T-shirts, political platforms, deranged liberal advocates, inane arguments... bounce around in stinging barbs of laughter when I have fallen down. Meaningless all. Hollow evaporation.

Goodnight, my angel...
"Someday we'll all be gone
but lullabyes go on and on;
they never die.
That's how you and I
will be."

Tears stream down my face in unending rivulets.

I am there sitting here.
Its weight is upon me.

I listen to my infant daughter sucking her fist in the dark of the adjoining room...
I am overcome with love
and scarlet mourning.

:: ashli 8:00 AM # ::
...
:: Monday, July 26, 2004 ::
"Two Precious Children Available for Adoption Immediately!

Two children are available for adoption immediately! They are a white brother and sister who desperately need a loving, forever home. The boy is 11 and the girl is 7 years old. It will cost about $10,000 for both of the children. These precious kids are due to arrive in Orlando (from Ohio) on August 4th.

If you or anyone you know is willing to consider adopting this pair as a pair, please contact Marilisa Medina at A Chosen Child adoption agency (Orlando) immediately. Their number is: 407.894.1599"

*******
Happy would-have-been 7th birthday, Tennessee.

:: ashli 10:03 PM # ::
...

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