:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Friday, March 12, 2004 ::

An email from another satisfied customer...

"I left the father of my baby and moved into my dad's. I just want some peace right now and it wasn't happening over there. There's this fantasy that i've had ever since the first time my boyfriend turned his back on me. I think it was the 3rd night after the abortion. I had woken up from a nightmare where the abortionist was showing me coffins for the aborted babies and was trying to get me to look inside the coffin that had my baby in it. Just as i'm leaning over the coffin I hear crying and then I wake up. This is a nightmare that I still have to this day.

Anyway, back to the asshole. So I woke up and was crying and he just patted my back and told me to go sleep even though it was obvious that I was freaking out and sleep was out of the question. He just rolled over and when my crying kept him from falling asleep he got his pillow and went to the guest bedroom ( where he stayed for the next 2 years)! It was like a slap in the face. I needed someone desperately then not just because of the dream but he was at work all day and I just stayed in bed crying unable to move and he couldn't or WOULDN'T do anything to help me.

The person that was so sure that abortion was a good idea and that everything would be just perfect afterward was now acting like I was crazy and interfering with his sleep. So that's when I came up with my little fantasy. I would wait until he was asleep , put on a babydoll nighty, make a cocktail and take every last sleeping pill that I had . Then I would crawl into bed with him, let him make love to me and then fall asleep in his arms and in the morning when he woke up and felt my cold flesh next to his and realized I was dead, I felt confident that he would be as scarred, empty and crazy as I felt then.

I would envision him trying to give me mouth to mouth to revive me, screaming, crying, scared and not knowing what to do and there would be no one to comfort him and he would be forced to deal with this. No way for him to hide from the truth then. I would see him holding my lifeless body, cold and stiff while his tears fell on my naked flesh. I saw him touching my stomach, stroking the hollow, empty space wishing for the ability to turn back time. I saw him running through the house screaming or on the bed in a ball crying. And the fantasy goes on and on.

I've had two years to dream up ways of bringing him to my level and I finally realized that it was enough. I either had to do it or get the hell out because I would always resent him no matter what he says now because it's all crap. He just wants me. He doesn't care about our baby. So I left. And it's crazy because I feel like I've left her again by leaving her daddy, her other half. It makes no sense to me but it's how I feel.

But I am glad that I am here at Dad's because it was starting to become hard to not give in to my fantasy. I wanted, WANT him to feel my pain and I was becoming self-destructive there.

I'm scared of what the doctor will think of my cuts and scars tomorrow. I had no control over my pain the past few months. My body looks so ugly that I want the lights off when I get naked now. I cut off a part of my lower lips one night with a razor. I had wanted to cut it all off but I passed out. I feel like that part of me and my stomach have a sign that reads "use me and abuse me because I am nothing but an empty space ". Pain doesn't even take me to that place anymore. It's just like, yes, this is what I deserve ."

Abortion... so liberating!

:: ashli 9:43 AM # ::

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