:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Tuesday, February 10, 2004 ::

The weather is going to be rainy and crummy all this week. I am going to be so depressed. The sun really cheers me up. Some days it's almost like I can handle everything that has happened as long as the sun is shining. That's how time changes things.

After I lost my Tennessee I always appreciated the rain and the darkened sky that it brought, because, when my loss was new, I regarded the sun as something of a blight. The world was ruined for me, and I appreciated it when the world acted like it! Sunshine is a happy thing, a slap in the face to a newly grieving mother. Time passed... much time... and now things are only sadder when it rains. The sun to me now is again a happy, hopeful thing... warm, soothing and hopeful.

The pain of terrible circumstance never goes away, but it changes. In some ways it's easier, in some ways it's harder. It is what it is. Ever-present, ever-changing...

There is comfort in time; There is life after the death of a child... even when you don't particularly want there to be.

It sneaks up on you.

:: ashli 10:55 AM # ::

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