:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Tuesday, December 23, 2003 ::

Pregnancy after abortion. How does a new child affect the SICLE? This is an excerpt from an email I wrote a very dear friend. I thought it was worth posting.

"After this pregnancy is over you will begin to see once more updates on the cell. Motherhood is forever and thus abortion is forever. I started the cell after my son had already been born and was 4 yrs old. My first child is the
one who I destroyed. So even all this time later my heart is broken for my first child. No child can take the place of the other child. A new child will bring you joy of course, but she will not heal the loss of your first child. You are a mother and you know that that one child was as special as you are. We can never replace that, and that is the tragedy of abortion. Abortion doesn't put motherhood on hold at all. It simply makes us the mothers of dead children. Sad but true.

Many times during this pregnancy I have sat thinking of my first baby. I've had moments in this very hospital room where I have bawled and bawled like a baby thinking of that little one and who s/he must have been before I took
his/her life. I was on the verge of making it through the illness, but I didn't know it, and I killed him/her at fifteen weeks. This one kicks and I think of that one who kicked the day before I aborted him/her (but I ignored it). I saw this one's tiny perfect hand at 12 weeks. I saw bones, I counted fingers and toes, I even saw her face. All this at twelve weeks. And I killed my first at fifteen weeks. I will never ever ever get over it.

No, I have a job to do right now, and it takes all of the positive mental energy that I have to devote. But I am still in the cell. I will never be out of the cell. This is the self-imposed child loss experience. This is why we must be heard. No one should have to live with what we live with, and no child should have to die the way our children did."

:: ashli 9:47 AM # ::

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