:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Friday, August 08, 2003 ::

With permission from the author, an excerpt from an email I received:

"It's 11:15 PM. I have to be up in less then 5 hours to prepare for a meeting tomorrow at work, and I can't sleep. Again. The last couple of days have been have been really hard.

I had to tell my therapist that I don't want to continue treatment because she isn't able to help me and that I'm not sure anyone can. She told me that I should consider checking myself in for "just a little while." One hundred dollars for 60 mins, once a week for the past 2 months and she tells me this. Great. I am starting to seriously reconsider a lobotomy.

I wish I could be myself again.

I'm backsliding. I 've started writing on myself and cutting myself again. I am not trying to kill myself but for those couple of seconds when I can feel my skin breaking I am not thinking about my baby.

Have you ever listened to Nine Inch Nails? Some lyrics:

" I f I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself, I would find a way."

I want to write that all over my walls along with the lyrics from "Hurt."

I don't know what to do. September is just around the corner. It would have been my child's first due date. What can I do?"

:: ashli 5:01 PM # ::

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