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my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 ::

Most mornings I experience nausea upon waking. This nausea is what I imagine normal morning sickness must be like. It's nausea I can eat and drink through, and it usually subsides after an hour or so. Food actually settles the stomach, and I can go on about my day. Is that what it's like for normal people who are pregnant? I can't fathom it. What must it be like to be pregnant and able to eat and drink and get out of bed? What's it like to be able to go to a store and pick out maternity clothing and wear it? Prithee! I'll never know.

Yesterday the nausea was about a 6 on the scale of 1-10. I thought I might throw up. It was a little worse than usual and as the day wore on I realized I was sick. Yesterday and today I've had a low fever of 101. My throat is swollen and red, and the tonsils look like they're wearing fluffy white bathrobes. I get this approximately once a month. Last month it lasted three weeks. I couldn't eat a lot because of the sore throat. I always resent it when I can't eat normally.

I didn't go to the doctor, because I hate doctors. I figured if it was strep the only danger was becoming infertile, and I may as well be. And I figure we could catch a deadly fever in time.

As evening arrived, I went out to the garden, plucked the heads off of umpteen chamomile plants, and brewed myself a nice cup of tea. It was relaxing, yet before I went to bed I got an email that startled me.

I want to share it, but I must be prudent. Even when I'm not exactly sure of the ramifications, certain situations are delicate, and this seems to be one of them. I'm sure half of you got the same email.


:: ashli 9:33 AM # ::

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