:: The S.I.C.L.E. Cell ::

my view from the prison of a SICLE (Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience) due to debilitating maternal disease
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:: Friday, April 04, 2003 ::

Sorry I missed Monday's blog. Technical difficulties. This should have been Monday's entry:

(Before the suicide note, I had taken to writing the baby. It was my way of praying my love up to him/her.)

Dearest Tennessee,
     It's morning.  Always the hardest time.  Faced with another day without you.  Gotta think of things to do to stay alive...
     I keep thinking about being in the clinic with you and how simple it would have been to avoid the tragedy of your death.  You know I woke up.  For just a minute... I woke up.  I remember them taking you from me.  I wish I didn't remember, but I do.  If I hit a telephone pole and lived would I at least have brain damage?  Could I forget who I am or that I had you disemboweled?  If I broke my brain that would fix me.  But then I wouldn't remember you or the music of your heartbeat when we were hospitalized that time.  I was sick, but you were safe.  I could have died for all they cared.  You or me or us for all they cared. 
     It would have been better to go where you are, to be with you.  That's what mothers do.  They don't give up.  Love never leaves anyone behind.  I left you.  I left you...

:: ashli 8:56 AM # ::

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